I Let My Girlfriend Sleep Over With Her Son. Then I Learned Something Is Very Off About Their Relationship.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been dating “Lynn” for about a year. She has an 11-year-son, “Mike,” who she was reluctant to introduce me to. We would only see each other when Mike was with his dad or grandma.
Recently, their apartment complex needed serious repairs to its water and sewage lines. Lynn and Mike needed to stay a week somewhere else. Her mother was visiting relatives and her ex was out of town so Lynn asked if they could stay with me in my one-bedroom condo. I did not expect for Lynn and me to share the bed so I bought an air mattress and figured that she and her son could switch off between that and the couch.
I didn’t expect Lynn and Mike to be cosleeping the entire week in my bed. Lynn claimed this was just their version of normal and Mike has nightmares and needs to wake up beside her. I am still weirded out. Mike is nearly a teenager, not a toddler. He is capable of sleeping alone at other places, just not when his mom is around. I have never had kids or nieces or nephews so I don’t have any personal experience but alarm bells are ringing for me. Am I wrong for questioning this?
—How Is This Still a Family Bed?
Dear Family Bed,
As with many odd-seeming practices in contemporary parenting, cosleeping with a tween (yes, even a tween of the opposite gender) is something you can find many parents online admitting to doing. (I shouldn’t even say “admitting”—many people in that Reddit thread I just linked to are happy to claim the practice, and would argue that it’s much more normal in other countries and cultures.) I, personally, would find this quite crowded, and would never allow it, but just FYI, there are many people who embrace it. And it sometimes happens situationally, when a disruption occurs in the family, like a death, sickness, or divorce, or when the child is suffering from anxiety.
Your girlfriend’s kid may fit into one of these categories, or a few. Your letter seems to have some dark imaginings behind it: What if their relationship is pathological, in some way? Is that why she didn’t want to introduce you? But if I had to guess, I’d say she’s been reluctant because the divorce wasn’t easy, and the kid didn’t seem ready to handle a “mom’s boyfriend.” That “not ready to handle it” part is also probably why he’s in her bed. All that Reddit anecdotal evidence aside, this setup may still make you squeamish. But I’d encourage you not to suspect the worst. Rather, take note: Your girlfriend is dealing with a kid who’s going through it. Try to reserve judgment, if you can.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household. My parents believed strongly in corporal punishment, and I was hit with belts and wooden spoons and other objects early and often. As an adult, I suffered from panic attacks, and I was diagnosed with PTSD (spiritual/physical trauma), anxiety, and OCD. Despite that, I now have a loving relationship with my parents. I’ve initiated a lot of difficult conversations about the way they raised me, and we’ve progressed over the years.
My brother now has three young children. He had the same harmful experience growing up, but when I last visited, I heard his wife swat their 3-year-old, threatening him with a spanking. I want so badly to be a good aunt, but I’m not sure I can stay at their house if they hit their children in my presence. I don’t know what to do when and if that happens.
—Breaking Cycles—But She’s Not
Dear Cycles,
Have you talked to your brother about this? You mention speaking with your parents, but I’m not sure whether your perspective on your childhood is clear to him. Does he have an opinion about corporal punishment? Many people who have the “harmful experience” you describe do it to their own kids in turn, or even some attenuated version of it (threatening and “swatting”) that they perceive as “not as bad” as what their parents did.
I think an honest conversation with your brother should be your first approach. You should find out what he thinks about your shared childhood, and divulge what you have come to believe about it. Be prepared with any type of explanation you think he would respond to—your description of how you believe your parents’ hitting affected you emotionally, sure, but maybe also the ample science undergirding the consensus belief among pediatricians that corporal discipline doesn’t lead to good outcomes, in case the argument from data is more his style. Find out what he and his wife have spoken about, when they talk about spanking. What is their parenting plan, when it comes to hitting? Do they have one?
Then, after you know where they’re coming from, you can decide how to handle visiting with the family. Witnessing a hitting incident between them seems like it would be quite stressful for you. Make sure, before this happens, that you’re working with correct information.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister-in-law and her three kids moved in after a domestic violence incident with her latest boyfriend. After living with all four of them, I find myself sympathizing with her ex. Her kids (ages 7 to 13) have zero volume control. They scream inside and out, and seem incapable of not slamming doors or using headphones. I work a very early shift and need an afternoon nap if I want to function. Everyone knows this, but the kids will not do any quiet time. Their screams cut right through my noise-canceling headphones.
We already had the police called on us twice because the kids were screaming so loudly, a neighbor thought someone was being murdered. The truth was the kids didn’t want to share a video game. My sister-in-law can’t parent her kids. She finds it impossible to carry through with any sort of punishment. If I take away the console or turn off the WiFi, she is right there caving in and turns around and cries that it is just too difficult for her.
I am carrying the majority of the bills and I need my rest. My supervisor has already made comments about my recent screwups due to my tired state. I have told my wife that something needs to change here. The kids need to get quiet or they all need to find somewhere else to go. My sister-in-law retorted that I am the one that needs to find somewhere to live. I told her this was my goddamn house. My wife is caught in the middle and while I sympathize, I need my sleep. I am ready to start taking off doors and getting rid of every electronic but our bedroom TV. This is ridiculous. At 6, I understood how to play quietly because my dad worked nights and I would be in trouble if I woke him up. Help!
—Peace and Quiet, Please
Dear Peace,
At 6, were you also living in a probably-too-small-for-everyone house, with an uncle and aunt who don’t really want you there, after leaving another living situation because your mom’s latest boyfriend got violent? Maybe you were, and if so I take this back. But if you weren’t, I’d suggest that the ability to be quiet on command is not inherent to children, and can be taught, but it requires time, consistency, and structure to teach it. You all haven’t had either of these things, so, “Be quiet!!! Oh my god why can’t you be quiet” is going to be harder to enforce.
I find myself caught between an inherent sympathy for these kids and a deep empathy with any adult who desires quiet, peace, and sleep. I vote for, at a minimum, setting the kids up for fewer fights and outbursts and “Turn that thing down!” problems by permanently taking away the video games, and maybe the whole internet, if that’s feasible. Your sister-in-law doesn’t need to be involved with enforcement if you physically remove the consoles and router and put them somewhere outside of the house, right? Don’t tell her where the equipment is, either!
There are things I don’t understand about your letter—why aren’t the kids at school in the mornings and for part of the afternoons? Or is this a summer problem only?—but perhaps there could be other interventions made to get them out of the house in those key hours when you need rest. You and your wife may need to be active in looking into aftercare programs, camps, or other structured low-cost activities that the kids could attend, since it sounds like your sister-in-law isn’t going to take the initiative, and isn’t the type to voluntarily announce that 1-5 p.m. is now “family trip to the pool” time, so Uncle can rest. But it would be worth the work: They really need some time away from one another, and from you.
Then there’s the bigger issue here. As you already know, the whole group needs to find somewhere else to live. It sucks for your wife to be “in between,” but your wife will need to be involved; it’s her sister. Make sure you and your wife have a united front. It will probably take a while for them to find a new place, and I doubt the search will be easy. But you’ll need to be firm about when it’s their time to go, so be ready.
—Rebecca
My wife is pregnant with our first kid and has obviously stopped drinking. She has asked me to stop drinking for the duration of her pregnancy out of solidarity with her. We used to do a lot of craft beer tastings, and I would characterize us as moderate drinkers. Well, it’s been three months, and I want to start drinking again. I don’t see any actual harm in doing it behind her back…
