Jordan Was Crushing Hard on This Bachelor in Paradise Contestant Before She Even Arrived

On the last episode of Bachelor in Paradise, you’ll remember that Becca came back for a dramatic visit — but all I could think was, ‘SHOW US THE RING, GIRL. SHOW. US. THE. RING!’ I know you’re probably expecting me to sit here and dive into this Tia and Colton thing some more. But I am over it. And everyone else was too. This here is all about Becca and her happy, in-love self.

As I watched her give Colton some advice, I kept wondering: How is she not sweating her butt off? How does her hair look so perfect? Is this what being in love does to you? She came in here looking like a queen, and the rest of us look like wet dogs. I didn’t get much time to talk to her because, of course, there were more important matters for her to address (insert eye roll here), but all I kept thinking when I saw her that day was, ‘WOW! You can see her smile from a mile away.’ That girl is in love, and, man, I can’t wait to find that in Paradise.

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Who Took My Cheese?

I am two glasses of wine in right now, and there’s a long, rambling metaphor about cheese that’s holding on by a thread. After Krystal sort of friend zones Kenny, he tells Eric that he feels like everyone in Paradise is like rats made to find cheese in a maze. First takeaway, there are a lot of comparing women to food in this episode, which I am not all about. Second … where can I get some cheese?!

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The Arrival of New Ladies

Three more women landed in Paradise this week, and they made quick impressions on the men. Here was my take:

Jenna arrives: “Holy crap. How is it that this girl hasn’t even had a drink yet?” From her instant hyper-ness, you would’ve thought she was stocking Red Bull and vodka.

Caroline arrives: “Someone get this girl a drink, stat.” She was a nervous wreck. Take it easy, Caroline! She’s going to need to chill if she’s going to make it through Paradise.

Jubilee arrives: “I bet she’s got a flask of fireball in her pocket — she came prepared.” Jubilee’s got moxie, and she also knows exactly what she wants and went for it.

Jordan & Jenna … Oh Yeah, and Annaliese

If you can’t already tell, Jordan is one of my favorite cups of tea. When he is not hanging out with Chris or referring to me crudely as a “dessert,” that is (and let’s be real, I’m the full damn course). Jordan is a lot smarter than people think, and although he says some pretty outlandish things in this episode, we got to see the trait I love most about Jordan: he is still a hopeless romantic.

Literally right before Jenna walked in, Jordan and I were talking about who would be walking into Paradise that week. He immediately mentioned Jenna and how he would love to see her — aaand just like that, the Paradise gods gave Jordan a gift. This guy was shook to the core from the moment she walked in, and there was no one getting in between him and that date card.

We almost forgot he had a solid connection with Annaliese. We know she didn’t forget, though, and Jordan being Jordan made sure to let her know that although he enjoyed their time together, it was pretty vanilla for him, and he’s currently all about the sprinkles.

“It’s Time to Cook the !@#$%^ Goose!”

You got the rose this week, Chris. But let me tell you what you don’t have — game. There’s nothing wrong with playing the field while you’re in Paradise, but Chris has got to be one of the worst communicators. Chris went after Tia hard while she was still hung up on Colton, but she eventually decided to put Colton behind her and explore a future with Chris. By that point, though, he had already quickly moved on to hotly pursuing Krystal. Let’s get something straight — neither Tia nor Krystal should be getting any heat for the episode. Paradise is about exploring relationships, but communication is key here, and Chris completely neglected to tell either woman where he was at with the other. Not sure I approve of how Chris is currently navigating these choppy waters, but we’ll just have to wait and see whether or not he goes overboard.

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John Is Accepting All Venmos … I mean dates!

When you play the game of date cards, you either win or — if you’re John — you win twice. John formed a bit of a love triangle when he said yes to going on a date with Caroline and, the day after it concluded, accepting a date with Jubilee. But in Paradise, you can’t be making it rain roses — there can be only one! So it’s definitely going to be interesting to see who that lucky rose recipient will be.

That’s a wrap for this week’s recap. See you at the next rose ceremony!