The Issue with Queer Sex Education? We Don't Have Enough of It

Welcome to Better Sex With Dr. Lexx, a monthly column where sex therapist, educator and consultant Dr. Lexx Brown-James shares expertise, advice and wisdom about sex, relationships and more. Approaching education about sex as a life-long endeavor — “from womb to tomb” — Dr. Lexx (AKA The #CouplesClinician) is your guide to the shame-free, medically accurate, inclusive and comprehensive conversations for you, your partner and your whole family. 

In all my years of being a sexuality professional, I have never heard parents say: “I want my kids to have a crappy sex life when they grow up.” Further, I hear parents teach their kids things like how to wash their genitals or that no one is to violate their personal boundaries (and to tell them if anyone does). This tells me that parents are teaching sex ed and know the significant impact intimacy can have in relationships. And, most of all, that parents want their children safe.

More from SheKnows

• A Brief Overview of Orgasms at Every Age, According to an OBGYN

The challenge is, however, that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook — and most of us in the U.S had poor sexuality education. Which means we’re often under-educated, Ill-equipped, and emotionally not ready for the topics, issues, and information our youth access today.

Currently in the U.S. sexuality education is poorly regulated and mandated. Of the 29 states and District of Columbia that require sexuality education, nine states have policies that include affirming sexual orientation instruction on LGBTQ identities or discussion of sexual health for LGBTQ youth. Meanwhile, six states explicitly require instruction that discriminates against LGBTQ people. Further, “13 states do not require sex education or HIV/STI instruction to be any of the following: age-appropriate, medically accurate, culturally responsive, or evidence-based/evidence-informed.”  That means out of 50 states, only 17 are giving our children medically accurate, age-appropriate and culturally responsive sexuality information.

Click here to read the full article.

Factual information includes reproductive health and hygiene, prevention of unwanted pregnancy, navigating relationships regarding consent, coercion, and intimate partner violence, abstinence, safer physical sexual practices, birth control, and more. Having this type of information can even delay first sexual intercourse. According to the CDC’s 2017 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, teens are waiting longer to engage in sexual activity. In their report from 2007 to 2017 teens reporting being sexually active decreased 8 percent. Each year more and more information is gathered and added to those curricula. However, in places where there is no regulation about sexuality education — where youth are compared to chewed up pieces of gum, taught that their bodies are meant for the use and pleasure of others — are often ill-equipped to report any trauma that takes place.

Further, in states with abstinence only education and a lack of access to sexuality educators at places like Planned Parenthood, the unwanted pregnancy numbers among teens have increased significantly. States that push abstinence only are ranking in the top teen states of the country for teen pregnancy including Mississippi, Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Alabama, and Tennessee. Sexuality education in the U.S. is clearly problematic and even more so when it comes to queerness.

The issue with sexuality education and queer sex ed is: We don’t have enough of it. The reclamation of the word ‘queer’ by today’s youth has been empowering for most folx. Queer is more inclusive than “gay” and has moved from an insult to a celebration, an identifier and, as always, a political stance.  Queer, as an identity, represents anyone who feels different from the presentation of how boy and girls, men and women should exist. This may mean that a youth feels more masculine or feminine than their assigned sex at birth. It may mean that they have attraction to the same sex, it may mean that they have no romantic feelings at all. It may mean that they want a nontraditional relationship style, or that they have interest in varied types of pleasure. (I know! It’s hard to think about — but we must to help our youth be equipped for these parts of their lives.)

Queerness is painfully missing from curricula — but projects like It Gets Better’s Queer Sex Ed look to stand in the gap. Queer Sex Ed brings together friends of various social groups, body sizes, identities and relationship statuses to have conversation about navigating life. With two sexuality professionals, Melina Gaze and me (Dr. Lexx Brown-James), framing the conversation by adding facts, discerning when something is fiction and supporting the queer narrative from mental health and global perspectives.

Showing youth individuals they can relate to gives them hope that a larger affirming community exists and reminds them that they are not alone. In this community they could, ideally, build safe relationships while growing the pieces of their identity that are key to them creating a fulfilling life of adult intimacy. Queer sex ed teaches parents and youth about the actual world we exist within, so that our youth can make informed decisions that keep them safe and allow them to thrive. And what parent doesn’t want their child to thrive?

Adolescence can be difficult. Pre-teens are figuring out their identity as an individual and as part of a group, while managing new sensations and hormone fluctuations. Consider what it is like as a youth who feels they are intrinsically wrong and condemned for feelings they didn’t choose. Or, imagine a youth who has never seen a healthy relationship, affection between people who adore one another or one who has never met or seen another queer person. It Gets Better Queer Sex Ed is a series that helps spotlight what young people are actually experiencing as they navigate intimacy — and is an excellent demonstration of how queering sex ed doesn’t have to be about taboo sexual acts. Instead, it’s about community-building, self-love, healing, boundary-setting, and accessing pleasure in life beyond sexual intimacy.

Because all in all, sex education isn’t just about intercourse. Sex Ed includes supporting a human in their entirety. Their self esteem, their ability to establish significant and safe relationships, their decision making, and how the level of comfort they feel in their own skin. True caregivers  want to equip their kid for success. The question is: Are you ready (or willing to get ready) to equip your kid for success with sex ed?

Before you go, check out our favorite mental health apps for giving your mind, body and spirit a little more TLC:

Best of SheKnows

• 29 Celebrities Who’ve Expressed Their Emotions About Roe v. Wade Being Overturned

• These Are the Best Sex Handcuffs for All Kinds of Couples

• 15 Baking Soda-Free Natural Deodorants That Won’t Irritate Your Sensitive Pits

Sign up for SheKnows' Newsletter.
For the latest news, follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.