Women Are Calling Out The Unfair Double Standards And Expectations That Make It So, So Hard To Grow Up As A Girl
Growing up is never easy, but many girls grow up in cultures and families that treat them differently in ways that can be really hard for kids to understand. Recently, u/bluskiev asked women on Reddit to share what they felt was the hardest part of growing up as a girl, and while the responses didn't all resonate with me, the ones that did go deep. Here's what some people had to say:
1."Body issues… I learned to hate my body at a very young age. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I’m still struggling to learn to love myself the way I am."
2."Being taught to be the one who concedes, says 'sorry,' and has to be tactful with words and actions. I look at men with artificially inflated egos and simply think there’s gotta be a better way to parent both boys and girls to help them reach their potential but not be ignorant of shortcomings. Girls tend to doubt their skills and not take risks in opportunities because they think that they aren’t qualified. Boys tend to say, 'I don’t meet those requirements, but I’m still going to go for it.' (Again, it’s a generalization that I saw in my own experiences and as a teacher)."
3."For me, it was mostly seeing how there were different rules for me than for my brothers, especially in terms of freedom."
4."My father once said to me, 'If you didn’t want to cook and clean, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be born a girl.' My mistake."
5."Being sexualized from infancy. Being treated like an infant in adulthood."
6."Not being able to display your emotions and still be taken seriously. I hear so much from men saying that boys aren't able to express their emotions, and while this is true to some extent (the patriarchy hurts everyone!), they can express anger and have it taken seriously. For women, it's immediately dismissed as hormonal/PMS/stereotypes (e.g., 'angry Black woman'). If we express sadness, see above. If we express a legitimate concern (especially medical), it's dismissed as 'anxiety.' Women/girls aren't allowed to express emotions without societal repercussions any more than men/boys are. It just looks different for us (and can have more disastrous consequences, especially if it's medical)."
7."The day you realize that little boys are treated better than you. I didn't want to be a girl when I was little. I truly hated being a girl. I didn't want to be a boy, either. I didn't have gender issues. I had society issues. It took a long time to realize that my being a girl wasn't the problem. The problem was that every successful person we talked about was a man. The other was that little boys could physically assault little girls, and no one cared. The other was that girls had to play nicely and sit nicely because of our clothes. The realization that being a girl means moving through the world so differently is devastating."
8."The tragedy of womanhood. As a child, you believe you have an innate worth as a person, equal to everyone else. And then the slow horror creeps in through the years as it dawns on you that society does not value you as a person, and your only worth is in your body and how you can benefit the men around you."
9."Never being allowed to fail/be bad at anything without it being blamed on my gender."
10."Being underestimated and questioned while men are seen for their potential; I had this incredible self confidence as a kid that was crushed in my teen years that I’ve worked my whole life to get back."
11."Danger can be everywhere around the corner. I remember everyone telling girls how they have to be extra conscious. I was always getting tips on how to protect myself. I grew up in a safe country, but it was an issue. I know you have to be careful, but do you know how tiring it is? It makes me anxious, and I am 31 now."
12."The constant mixed signals like the speech in Barbie. Be yourself, but not if you’re too loud or girly or not girly or like sex but don’t like it too much. Be smart but able to be dumb at a moment’s notice. Have an opinion but not THAT opinion. Like your body, but don’t say it out loud. Always criticize yourself out loud but not just for attention. Be successful, but acknowledge all the other people who helped you even if they didn’t."
"Are you eating that? Again? And that much? Why aren’t you eating? Don’t cry. Cry, but only when someone else thinks it’s valid. God, you’re a cold bitch. Don’t you have any emotions? Know everything all the time, but don’t let anyone else know that you know. You’re such a follower. You’re too independent, you know that? I could go on and on and on. It’s exhausting."
13."The expectation of marriage and motherhood."
14."The first thing that popped into my mind was simply the things I wanted to do. Girls don't box. Girls don't play baseball. Girls don't do karate. Even when I showed interest in music, my dad said things like, 'Maybe you could be Mick Jagger's back up singer.' It was like they had this really small idea in their head of what I could do/was capable of before I was even a whole person."
15."Growing up hating women (and myself as a girl) because of the not-so-subtle ways it’s infused in our society. I only just recently, at 40 years old, started listening to women singers and loving it!! You really have to try and peel back the layers of patriarchy to understand how freaking amazing women really are! We’ve been here all along, kicking ass in the background."
16."Being sexualized before I understood sexuality. And the all consuming reality that no matter what I did or what I was, I would never be correct. We are either slut shamed or called prudes. We are either too thin or need to lose weight. We either wear too much makeup or not enough. It's never-ending."
17."Being the emotional support animal for everyone. Girls are expected to shoulder a lot of emotional load/burden and to do it quietly without expecting anything back. Boys are supposedly not mentally capable — or too good for it — so the adults unloaded on me instead."
18."Feeling like I was supposed to be pleasant and agreeable at all times. I had a lot of mental health problems and was experiencing abuse at home that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about because I thought I had to make everything seem... nice."
19."Having to justify my hobbies and interests. I could never just like playing Call of Duty; I had to name every single gun in the game to prove to the boys asking me that I did play it. I couldn’t just play my PlayStation; my father had to say it was 'weird' for a girl to play video games."
20."Being raised in a home where women were second class, incapable of understanding sports or how an engine works. Just on earth to make babies and cater to men."
21."This may be specific to my experience, but it was the tendency of the grown women in my life to simultaneously look down on and deify behaviors and attitudes associated with traditional feminity. Being squeamish about bugs or not great at playing catch? 'Stop being such a girl!' Going through a phase where you don't want to wear a modest skirt or subdued makeup to church and instead want to look like a walking hot topic advertisement? 'You need to change, that's not ladylike!'"
"And, of course, there's no real heads up on when it's okay to 'be a girl' and when it isn't. This strange man didn't open the door for you even though you reached it at the same time, AND YOU LET HIM. SHAME. But you're at home and want to leave the post-hole digging to your brother? 'You have two hands and are able-bodied; go out and work". It's been super weird to make sense of as an adult."
22."My endometriosis sucks pretty bad, haha. I think female conditions and diseases in general are just being under-researched or dismissed. It's my personal belief that if this was a male only disease we would have non-surgerical diagnosis and either super effective treatment or a cure in gummie form. But being female and fighting for my symptoms to be taken seriously and having doctors actually listen to me has been the hardest part of growing up female for me."
23."The double standard of accepting 'unconventional' questions or having unconventional interests. If a boy asks a teacher a question that makes him seem 'weird', the most he gets is often a laughter (and not in a condescending way). But when a girl does the same, she is seen as strange and even met with angry comments from the teacher or other authoritative figures. Society is so cruel and unforgiving towards socially awkward girls."
24."Being called 'bossy' and 'annoying' for behaviors that would’ve been applauded as 'a future leader' in a boy."
25."For me, dealing with the cattiness. Something happens to girls after the age of 10. Something changes, and there’s an abrupt switch where friends start turning on each other, and there’s backstabbing. It’s like the movie Mean Girls but far worse."
26."I have thought many times about how much brain space would be freed up if I didn’t care about being attractive. It’s freaking work just to look mid. But the pressure feels intense, and it started when I was like four and saw a beauty pageant for the first time."
27."Periods and boobs. It felt like I had no control over my body. Worse is that I got my period and started getting breasts early, like 10 or 11."
28.And finally, "For me, it was the 'not like the other girls' part. A lot of traditionally feminine traits are deemed undesirable, weak, and vain. I used to not wear any makeup and not care about my appearance because I thought that made me 'better.' It took me literally decades to get over that."
What were your biggest struggles in girlhood? Share your experiences in the comments!
