Hold My Earrings, Somebody Actually Bit Beyoncé
Someone on this quickly warming Earth actually took it into their minds that they should approach Beyoncé at a party and bite her on the face. Bite her. I will, actually, never get over this. I have called the police, obviously, and I am now going to go lie down for a generation of so. Driver, roll up the partition, please.
According to Tiffany Haddish, who we need to start calling Mrs. Potts because this woman has all the tea, some madness went down at the afterparty for Jay-Z's December concert in Inglewood. This, of course, is the same party where Tiff snapped a selfie with the Queen. And the same party that provoked Bey to rap in the song "Top Off," "If they’re tryna party with the queen, they gon’ have to sign a nondisclosure." Y'all this party was wild; like, the Wolf of Wall Street is shewk.
A post shared by Tiffany Haddish (@tiffanyhaddish) on Dec 22, 2017 at 10:26am PST
The elevator (that elevator) heard about this Inglewood party and it was like "Oh, wow. Wig!"
In a new GQ profile, Tiffany Haddish gives the inside scoop on exactly what went down including the very important fact that someone's teeth touched Beyoncé's face.
Here's the tea, piping hot with a side of lemon:
“There was this actress there,” continues Haddish, keeping her voice low, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.” One of the most things she did? “She bit Beyoncé in the face.”
Haddish declines to name the actress...
“So Beyoncé stormed away,” Haddish says, “went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This bitch-’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room. I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’ ”
“And so then…,” she continues, “a lot of things happened.”
I need to sit down. I need to lie down. I need to be buried. Someone please sing "Danny Boy" immediately, followed by "Baby Boy."
First, I love that Tiffany Haddish, in an interview with a national magazine, is giving gossip so good she has to whisper. Like, she is speaking into a tape recorder, but she's still like "You didn't hear it from me, but..." Tiffany Haddish is that person who pulls you aside in church and is like "Can you believe those two showed up?" and then when you look she's like "Why'd you look?! You are so messy."
If you ever, in your life, have the chance to sit next to Tiffany Haddish, obviously do. You will come away filled all the way up and with your hair blown all the way back.
Second, I love the Jonathan Van Ness-style friend who is just hanging out in the background and then rolls up on Tiffany Haddish (because this friend know that Tiff has the tea!) and is like, "Can you believe this?"
Let us all be that friend. I'm not trying to get involved in some mastication confrontation. I'm just here for the open bar and the crudité.
Third, I love that Tiffany then fades to black on her own story, telling GQ "a lot of things happened." Girl, I need specifics. A lot of things happened can include:
a brawl
a dance battle
world peace
zombie outbreak
a surprise album drop
the ghost of Prince made pancakes
someone calling a Lyft but getting into the wrong Lyft and having to come back because the Lyft was someone else's Lyft and it being a whole thing
impeachment
Tiffany! You gotta throw me a bone here.
I am obsessed with this. And also very concerned. There is an actress in Hollywood who has bitten Beyoncé and, like Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee, I want to know why.
What do we do with this information? Are actresses cancelled until we can resolve this? No. No. I mean, it's not that dire, but someone should contact the U.N. about this.
Bitten! On the face! I'm so shewk. But also... like, on the low low, what does Beyoncé's face taste like?
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter. Sit next to Tiffany Haddish anywhere.
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