Heads up! And put that phone away

In the unlikely event that I ever became prime minister, I would do several things. I’d ban all spiders. I’d make sure that everyone was given lessons in how to use a loo brush while still at school. And I’d introduce life sentences for those who walked along the pavement while looking down at their phones.

You know what I mean. Some moron meandering along in a wobbly line, as if they’re on the way home from the pub after too many shandies, not looking where they’re going because they’re busy tapping at their mobile. Pigeons hop out of their way, dogs and small children scatter as they bumble along. The only good bit is if they come up against a lamp post or dog muck, but even that isn’t enough to deter most and so still people drift about glued to that little screen. A zombie nation collectively obsessed with how many likes we have on social media.

This is why I am considering moving to Honolulu, Hawaii’s lush and tropical capital. Mai Tais and grass skirts, sure, but also they’ve just passed a law making using an “electronic device” while walking an offence punishable by death. Ha ha, just joking. Not death. A fine of $35 (￡26). But still, I think this is magnificent news and a crucial development in ensuring the survival of the human race. “This is really milestone legislation that sets the bar high for safety,” said the city council member who proposed the bill, a sensible and exotically named chap called Brandon Elefante.

Other places are making similar moves as phone-related injuries soar around the world. In Mumbai there are now dedicated “no-selfie” zones in areas perceived as risky, and in California there are jaunty roadside signs that say things like “Heads up! Cross the street. Then update Facebook.” I don’t think I’ll be moving to California on that basis, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Some years ago in Michigan, a woman fell off a pier because she was texting and didn’t look where she was going. “I sent about three words, next thing you know I was in the water,” she said afterwards, her husband having leapt in to save her. But, really, is this progress? The Mesopotamians invented the wheel and yet, thousands of years on, here we all are toppling into the sea because we cannot put our phones down for longer than five seconds.

We’ve all done it. Of course we have. I have the sense of direction of a toothbrush, thus rely heavily on Google Maps most days to ferry me around the place. But, fully aware of how irritating it is to be stuck behind someone who’s walking along while looking at their phone, I tend to stop and stand aside whenever I need to check where I’m going. And I know that sounds a bit smug but, sorry, there it is. I will do splendidly in Honolulu.

Padded lamp posts to protect us from our own idiocy? It’s the thin end of the wedge

“Nanny state!” some of you will insist. “Is life even worth living if we don’t have the freedom to walk along the street while reading our WhatsApp messages?” To which I’d reply: yes, it absolutely is, and did you know that a few years ago padded lamp posts were installed on a street in London to try to protect idiots who walked along while looking at their phones?

I think becoming the kind of country that needs padded buffers in the streets to protect us against such idiocy is the thin end of the wedge. The solution is simply to keep your phone safely in your pocket while walking anywhere or face a whopping fine. Or prison for life, as I said earlier.

There you go Prime Minister, you need a few crowd-pleasing policy ideas at the moment. Have that one for free.