There’s a Good Reason Narcissists Get So Obsessed With Birthdays
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula specializes in narcissistic behavior and creates educational content with the aim of helping people identify the personality traits and manipulation tactics that frequently manifest in narcissistic relationships. In a new video, she covers a subject which can be a highly sensitive issue for narcissists; their birthday.
"Birthdays are already such a funny thing, especially for adults," she says. "Anybody who has a social media account gets blanketed with wishes on their birthday... Most healthy adults generally have a 'take it or leave it' attitude on their birthdays. Good people appreciate kind gestures that are made to them, but I don't know that all of them are waiting for a big cake and streamers, nor will they tantrum if they don't get those things."
While the way that a person chooses to celebrate—or not celebrate—their birthday is an entirely personal decision, Durvasula states that somebody with a narcissistic personality is almost certain to make a big deal of theirs.
"We know that on any day of the week, narcissistic folks want a lot of validation," she says. "A birthday is a sort of guaranteed validation day... Throughout that day, the narcissistic person may just keep looking at their device and drinking in all the adoration, sometimes even revelling in the idea that other people have to turn their days around them."
A narcissist's birthday, Durvasula explains, will frequently be a no-win situation. If you remember to wish them a happy birthday, they may downplay it and pretend not to care about such frivolous things. But if you fail to make a big enough deal of it, or forget entirely? That's where conflict can arise, and the narcissist may behave even more poorly than usual.
"So often, narcissistic folks can't win on their birthdays," she says. "They want that day to be something more grandiose and corrective, and it simply can't be. Over time, people in long-term relationships of any kind with narcissists may feel tense as that person's birthday approaches."
On the other end of the spectrum, however, there are narcissists who don't like their birthdays because they are reminders of ageing, or they find them overly emotional. In these instances, any kind of thoughtful or emotional gesture is likely to be rejected harshly.
"Birthdays really take the narcissistic relationship and put it under the microscope," Durvasula adds. "The gift is either not right, too much, or too little. Any party you put together is either not right, too much, or too little... Let other people do the heavy lifting and send their birthday wishes. Be prepared that it is a day where you won't get it right, whether you remember it or not."
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