Getting Serious With A Younger Man? What To Know Before It's Too Late
The heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that means dating someone who is, ahem, a younger man. (Of legal age—of course—let’s get that established and out of the way.) If I’ve learned anything from OTP Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Nick Jonas, and Kate Beckinsale’s fling with Pete Davidson, it’s that age doesn’t have to be a deal breaker or a red flag. It’s 2019, after all.
Sure, age-gap relationships are becoming more of a thing, but there are always those people who will do double takes at dinner or family members who say nothing but raise their eyebrows when they hear about your new boo.
“People gave us a lot of shit about that [the age gap] and still do,” Chopra Jonas told InStyle about her relationship with Nick. “I find it really amazing when you flip it and the guy is older, no one cares and actually people like it.” Preach.
At the end of the day, who you choose to date—and why—is your decision. And let’s be real, it’s tricky enough to find someone who you want to spend time with.
“The dating pool can seem full or empty, depending on how you look at it,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a certified sex and couples therapist and author of The New Monogamy. “Expanding it to include those who are younger can widen the possibilities of potential partners.” You know a woman needs her options.
Clueless when it comes to modern dating? Everyone is—but you don't have to be...
So if you’re eyeing a guy or gal who graduated college years after you, here’s what to know before going on that first (or second! or third!) date:
1. You need clarity on what you’re looking for.
First order of business: What do you want from this relationship?
If you just want to date around, hook up and have fun, that’s great. If you want to settle down and have kids with your next partner, that’s great, too. Just get that straight before jumping into the youthful (or any, really) dating pool.
“When it comes to dating someone younger, you want to be thinking about whether your future goals align,” says Amanda Berry, LMFT, a psychotherapist in Chicago.
This also means having clarity on what you need from a relationship. Maybe you need to open up emotionally, a partner you vibe with sexually, or maybe you want a good travel buddy (or all of the above).
Regardless, don't be afraid to be honest about it—the only person you'd be hurting by covering that ish up is you.
2. They might not be as emotionally mature as you.
To put it nicely, some people, guys especially, have a lot of kinks to work out in the maturity arena. If you’re thinking about taking things with a younger man beyond a casual fling, get an early gauge on whether he can take accountability for his actions.
If their a little lacking in relationship history, no worries...but keep in mind that they may not be as adept at communicating their feelings or working through issues in a truly adult way.
That said, it’s okay if the younger person, understandably, has room to grow (don’t we all), but Paulette Sherman, PhD, psychologist and author of Dating from the Inside Out, says to also avoid creating an uneven power dynamic, where you’re the one always calling the shots.
“It's important that you do not feel like you are becoming your partner’s parent or therapist, because that isn’t sexy,” she says. I mean...noted.
3. You might be in different life stages.
Duh—you were born in way different years, or in some cases, decades. But expect to feel a new dynamic with your young date compared with the one you might experience with whom you usually go for.
To get a better grasp on how mismatched you might be in this aspect, think about what the vibe would be like hanging out with his friend group. Does the idea make you cringe—because it'd feel like sophomore year of college? Remember that.
While age alone doesn’t tell you how far along a person is in life, chances are you have way different experiences and dating history.
“Is that going to create a power differential, if she’s more successful and more settled in her career?” says Jacqueline Schatz, a psychotherapist and dating and relationship expert. Answer: It could.
If you're interested in a long-term relationship and not just fun sex (no shame if you aren't!), it’s not a bad idea to chat about where you’re both at in life and how you’ll fit into each other’s. Ask them where they see themselves in the next two years—versus the five or 10 you might ask an older prospect.
4. Everyone has baggage—even the young heartthrob.
Since things that come up intensely in relationships stem from our childhood, the younger person you want to date isn’t off the hook when it comes to baggage, Schatz says. Sure, you might be a hot divorcee with ex-husband beef, but the younger person has sh*t of their own, too.
One difference though, she says, is that “the older person might have had more time to work through some of the things that were hard for them.” Oh yeah, this is a good time to plug something that should be a universal truth: Whatever your age, do yourself a favor and go to therapy.
5. Commitment might mean different things to you two.
Ah, the “C” word. Break out in hives yet? How you define commitment might be how a younger mate sees a fling. Or vice versa.
“You may be at different places when it comes to the stages of dating,” says Berry. You might just want to have fun and date around, but Young, Hot Eligible Bachelor or Bachelorette might want to start settling down. Or you could be the one who is ready for rings and babies while they're...not.
The important part, she says, is to find where you guys align, and put a definition to it. They may not know what they want for their future yet, but if you can agree on a present, that's half the battle.
6. You don’t have to be the same, but you need to have things in common.
“Sex can’t be your only hobby,” says Nelson. (Okay, fiiine.)
More specifically: “I think the larger the age gap, the harder it is to have things in common,” Schatz says. “Even simple things like references to pop culture are going to be different.” Ever been around your or a friend's younger sister and been very confused? Yep, that.
Granted, this isn’t the end of the world. People bring different things to the relationship (positive aspects only, please—LOL), but you do want to be able to relate to your younger beau. Otherwise, it's going to be very hard to ever see them as an equal.
The main thing to consider is whether they can accept and support the core things that are important to you in a relationship, Sherman says. The other stuff—those moments you preface with “I’m really going to show my age here”—can get sorted later over a bottle of wine.
7. You should ask yourself how you feel when you’re with this person.
If you struggle with confidence, dating someone younger could bring up feelings of insecurity, notes Schatz. You want to feel empowered in the dating game, so ask yourself if you feel good when you’re with the young buck and genuinely excited to spend more time with them.
Dating someone younger can be rejuvenating and ignite an exciting spark that’s been bogged down by past drama. And you’re probably so over that. Be open and flexible (literally and emotionally) to new experiences: Think cramming into a tiny music venue one night and exploring a new pocket of the city the next.
If the connection is right, age won’t define your relationship. It will become just another number in the numbers game that is this crazy world of modern dating.
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