Friendships are essential for a happier, healthier life. What do you do when there's conflict?
Friendship is vital to your well-being. Here's how to handle the hiccups.
There’s no shortage of advice out there on finding the One — but let’s not forget about the other loves of our lives: our friends. Close friendships are essential for a happier, healthier life. Staying connected with your pals isn’t just good for your mental health; it also helps you ward off depression, boost your physical health and even help you live longer.
And friendship isn’t just about having fun together: Friends offer support, shared experiences and a sounding board when we need to unpack life’s challenges. They hype us up, dry our tears and remind us that our ex never deserved us in the first place.
Yet while our friends may help us through life’s problems, we can struggle to navigate challenges in our friendships too. Maybe you’re anxiously awaiting that “Will you be my bridesmaid?” text, only for it to never arrive. Or you’re dreading telling your most sensitive friend you can’t make their birthday drinks because you’re sure they’ll take it personally. Or, perhaps, you’re getting tired of your friend treating you like their therapist — and you’re seriously considering billing them after your next “session.”
If you’ve ever felt less than awesome about your friendships, the good news is that you’re not alone — and there are answers out there. Yahoo Life spoke to friendship experts for some of the most frequently asked questions about our pals.
Meet the experts
Alexandra Hayes Robinson, writer and host of the advice podcast Hello Hayes
Molly Burrets, clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy and women's mental health
Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship expert and host of the Friend Forward podcast
Tori Dunlap, financial expert and author of Financial Feminist
Marisa Franco, psychologist and friendship expert
Caitlin Begg, a Harvard-trained sociological researcher who focuses on relationships and technology
Morgan Cope, assistant professor of psychology at Centre College
Jessica Speer, author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)?
Alex Alexander, host of the Friendship IRL podcast
Skip ahead
Have a specific problem? Click on the topic below to jump in.
Weddings and milestone moments
How do I tell a friend I don’t want to be in their wedding party?
This is one of those scenarios where, if you truly must decline the invitation, you don’t need to be completely honest about your reasoning. For example, let’s say you don’t want to be in the wedding party because you don’t actually feel close to this friend and are surprised they asked in the first place. Don’t say that. Instead, try something like:
"I'm so touched that you asked — thank you for thinking of me. My next year is so busy with work and travel, and I don’t feel I’d be able to commit the time I’d want to if I accepted. I’m so excited to celebrate with you at the wedding, and I’m sorry I won’t be able to be a bridesmaid."
That kind of response is the perfect combination of direct and kind. It might still hurt their feelings, but it doesn’t kick them while they’re down.
Let’s be clear, though: Saying “no” to being a bridesmaid is quite the statement. In most friendship scenarios, my recommendation would be to accept the role with a smile, even if you don’t feel like being one. Why? Because that’s what friends do for each other.
— Alexandra Hayes Robinson
What should I do if a friend I thought I was close to doesn’t invite me to their major life event?
I don’t think there’s anything to do in this scenario other than acknowledge your misconception and grieve any loss it may bring. It can be deeply painful to realize we’ve been misinterpreting a relationship. Maybe you feel embarrassed. Try to name all the feelings that come up and share them with someone in your life whom you trust and feel close to.
I’d also consider: What’s the least personal way to interpret this rejection? Did they have a small wedding? A small birthday dinner? If so, it might make sense that you weren’t included simply due to headcount. Yes, it can still hurt not to make the cut, but it’s not necessarily a personal rejection. Sometimes, in our pain, we tend to make things all about us — "They didn’t invite me, so they must not like me!" — when the real explanation is often less personal than that.
If you truly feel you were cruelly excluded, I’d back away from the friendship, but I wouldn’t feel the need to confront them about it.
— Alexandra Hayes Robinson
How do I tell someone who expects to be in my bridal party that they aren’t?
You can keep it as short and direct as possible while keeping in mind that at the end of the day, this person might not just be concerned with the title or the role — what they're really questioning underneath is if they matter to you and if you value their friendship.
You might offer something like, “You know, me and my fiancé have been trying to figure out how to put this bridal party together, and it looks like no matter how we arrange it, we can't fit in every single person we love. And so I just wanted you to know that I am not going to be able to have you in that role, but it's still really important to me that we get to celebrate together. So please reserve the wedding date on your calendar because it's not the same without you there.”
This kind of language lets them know that it was a thoughtful decision, that you care about them, that it's not personal and that they matter. You can also do what I've seen other people do: offer another role. Maybe you ask that person to open your ceremony with a poem or ask them to be a table captain at the reception, where they're in charge of walking people through the different activities.
— Danielle Bayard Jackson
How close do I need to be to someone to invite them to my wedding?
I've heard people say that if you wouldn't spend $50 to take this person to lunch, why would you invite them to your wedding? But there are no hard-and-fast rules.
To figure out whether someone should be on the invite list or not, I would be clear about your objectives for the wedding. The first step is to think about the people who you'd be really sad if they weren't there.
Then, think about your reasons for inviting people, truly on an individual basis — is it because of guilt? Is it because they expect it and you don't want to disappoint them? Is it because a part of you wants to have a sizable event so you can show others how big your event was?
Really ask yourself: What's your main objective for the way that you're collecting people for this gathering? What’s the criteria? I think that helps people get more clear about who to invite or not.
— Danielle Bayard Jackson
When is it OK to skip a friend’s birthday party?
Each person is different. If it's a friend who really, really wants you there, and that friendship matters to you, that needs to be top of mind. You might want to make a courteous gesture instead of showing up like sending a gift and your regret for not being able to attend. If this is going to cause tension and you can’t attend — how do you communicate how regretful you feel? Think about how you offer a display of love, concern and celebration, even though you physically can't show up.
— Danielle Bayard Jackson
Making new friends … and breaking up with them
What’s the best way to make friends as a busy parent?
As a busy parent, it’s easy for adult social activities and friendships to take a back seat as caretaking and work responsibilities pile up. However, building and maintaining friendships helps to relieve stress, connect with peers, and stay in touch with yourself.
Meeting other parents in the school pickup line, at the park, or other child-focused activities can be a direct way to meet new friends. Also, think about an activity you want to cultivate during this busy phase. Maybe you want to commit to a weekly yoga class, start a book club or explore another interest. Exploring personal interests is a good way to meet new friends while caring for yourself. Meeting new friends takes time for many adults, so start small and keep your expectations low. As you put yourself out there and try a new activity, enjoy doing something just for you as you grow new relationships.
— Jessica Speer
When is it time to say goodbye to a friendship?
When merely thinking about them drains your energy. When you wish you were somewhere else while you’re with them. When they don’t bring any value to your life.
That said, I think we can avoid getting to this desperate state in friendship by re-evaluating our expectations before we become resentful rather than doubling down on unrealistic hopes. For example, let’s say you have a friend who isn’t a great listener but shares your taste in film and nightlife, and you generally enjoy socializing with them. Over time, you find yourself frustrated that they don’t remember details from your life or ask follow-up questions.
Should you end the friendship? Well, first, I’d recommend changing your expectations. They’ve shown you they’re not the person to turn to for deep, mutual conversation — so stop looking to them for that. Instead, maybe you can enjoy your time together for what it is: fun, lighthearted and centered around shared interests.
Of course, you have every right to say, "Hey, this bad listening thing is a dealbreaker for me." But I think we'd save a lot of friendships if we simply re-examined what we expect from people.
— Alexandra Hayes Robinson
How can you politely indicate you’re not interested in continuing a friendship?
Friendships have different phases and change over time. Sometimes, a friendship runs its course. Other times, it’s simply not a good fit. It’s perfectly OK to move out of a friendship and to decline an invitation to hang out. It’s important to allow others to decline our invitations too.
The key is to communicate with kindness. This friend might not be right for you, but they could be perfect for someone else. When communicating, keep the focus on you. Here are a few examples of ways to kindly decline invitations:
“Thank you so much for the invitation. It sounds like a great movie. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with work lately, so I better sit this one out. I’m finding that quiet nights at home help me manage my stress these days.”
“Thank you for thinking of me. I’m sorry to miss the fun! With everything I have going on now, I better pass. I’m sorry I don’t have the bandwidth to spend time together.”
“I appreciate the invitation but need to decline this time. Now is not the best time for me. I hope you have a great time.”
— Jessica Speer
Should you ever ghost a friend, or is it best to always have honest conversations about your issues?
Although breakup talks can be hard, research tells us that ghosting can negatively impact people’s self-esteem and make hurt feelings worse. This is true for the ghoster and the ghosted — both parties can be left feeling guilty, worse about themselves and potentially uncertain about the status of the friendship.
However, sometimes friendships drift apart — texts become increasingly infrequent, and you lose touch. This type of prolonged ghosting may feel less obvious compared to acute ghosting, in which one friend abruptly stops responding.
Finally, although ghosting can cause harm, there are instances where it may be appropriate. If someone feels their personal safety (physical or otherwise) is at risk, they may opt to simply stop responding to a friend to ensure their well-being. That is OK. We must keep ourselves safe!
— Morgan Cope
Conflict and expectations in friendship
How do I deal with a clingy friend?
Empathy, reassurance and honesty (in that order) are the essential elements for handling a clingy friend. The cruelest way to handle a clingy friend is to slowly withdraw but say nothing. This will leave them feeling confused and insecure, which may cause them to cling to you more tightly.
Understand that clinginess tends to be a reaction to insecurity, which usually stems from a painful experience in a previous relationship. From a place of empathy, you can gently approach your friend and reassure them that you value them and they are important in your life but that you sometimes need more space than they are comfortable with. Ask how you can reassure your friend of their importance in your life so that they can feel more confident about your connection.
— Molly Burrets
How do I maintain boundaries when a friend is overly dependent on me?
I would say something like, “I want to make sure you get support, and I’m not able to do that — I'll only be able to probably talk about this once a week. Are there other people that we can make sure you're reaching out to to get the support you need?”
If they come back and say they’re not feeling supported, you can say, “I hear that you feel not supported and that you’re going through a lot right now. I hope that the support that I offer you can also be bridged by other forms of support.”
I would validate their feelings but stay within your boundary. Try something like, “It's OK for you to be upset. I know you need a lot of support. I know you're in a vulnerable place. I love you. I want to show up for you.”
— Marisa Franco
How do I know when to be honest and bring up a conflict with a friend — and when I should just let it go?
You don’t have to bring up every conflict — if you can “get over it” and it doesn’t affect how you show up in the friendship, then you can leave it behind. But if you are going to be weird, cagey or distant with the friend, or just less authentic, then that's a sign that you need to be more honest. But if the conflict is small and it doesn't have ramifications for your overall ability to fully participate in the friendship, it’s OK to let it go.
— Marisa Franco
What do I do if my friend is treating me like their therapist and always venting to me?
First, evaluate how urgently you need this dynamic to change. Is your friend's reliance on you starting to wear on you? Does your friend offer a safe space for you to also vent your concerns, or does the support feel one-sided? If the need for change is urgent, then honest, direct communication is in order.
Tell your friend that while you want to be a safe source of support for them, you notice you are beginning to feel burned out or that the support isn't balanced. Validate that your friend is going through something very difficult and offer alternative sources of support to your friend. You could affirm that they deserve the support of a professional therapist, a support group or other relevant resources. Reassure your friend that you value their trust and that you still want to support them, but you need to take some time to also focus on your own self-care.
— Molly Burrets
How do I cope with a friend who is too critical?
Before reacting, get curious. Is this feedback you've heard from others? Could your friend be projecting their own stuff onto you? Are they pushing you because they genuinely want what's best for you, or is it about making themselves more comfortable? Once you've sat with those questions, try having an honest conversation about how their critical comments make you feel. Fair warning: They might get defensive at first — that's normal!
Building a friendship where you can have these tough conversations takes time. If they're totally unreceptive or the criticism continues, you've got options. You might try "selective sharing," which is basically deciding to not share certain parts of your life with this friend. And if nothing changes? It's OK to create some distance and invest more energy in friends who can both give and receive feedback. Your friendship circle should feel supportive, not like a constant critique session.
— Alex Alexander
What do I do if I learn a friend is talking behind my back?
I would bring it up with curiosity rather than preconceived notions. Saying, “Hey, this is what I’ve heard … but I wanted to make sure I checked in with you before making any assumptions.” There might be a larger context to why your friend is saying what she’s saying, or there may be conflict that you can work out together and grow closer. Once you put it out there — especially without attacking the other person — it can give you an opportunity for repair and to work through an issue that might have led to the talking behind each other's back.
— Marisa Franco
When is it OK to tell a little white lie to a friend — like, say, when they ask whether I like their outfit?
It depends. Does this friend want your opinion, or are they looking for validation of their choice? Is it a choice they’ve already made — or is it a decision they’re looking to make and seeking to gain more information?
If I can help a friend make a better decision, I will be honest. But if it's a decision they have already made and there's nothing they can do at this point, then I might want to offer them validation or reassurance — even if I think the wedding dress they chose is awful, for example. Instead, you could say, “I’m glad you picked something that really spoke to you. Everybody is going to think you look beautiful on the day of your wedding.”
— Marisa Franco
Financial drama
How do I deal when a friend never pays me back?
Paying for your friends is really tricky. First of all, you want to remember that when you’re lending money or paying on behalf of someone, there's always the chance that you won’t get it back.
Whether that’s because you have a sneaky friend or they’re just running into some unforeseen circumstances, you want to ensure you’re lending an amount you’re prepared to lose! If gentle reminders aren’t working for a friend who owes you money, you could try asking them if they’d be willing to pay for something similar in cost to what they owe you — for example, “If you’re willing to cover this drink, we can call it even for drinks last week.”
If you’re still struggling from there, it might be time to think about setting a boundary with them. The next time the bill comes, a simple “Let’s split it!” or “I’d rather not do Venmo this time; can we do this separately?” could do the trick.
— Tori Dunlap
How do I say ‘no’ to lending a friend a personal item?
Since there’s always that chance you won’t get your money or personal item back, it’s best to avoid lending if possible. But if you decide to lend, try treating it like a gift you’re comfortable with potentially losing. This will help prevent resentment from the get-go and protect you from reaching outside of your means to support your friend.
If you’re in a position where you need to say no, you can set that boundary — remember that sometimes “I can’t afford to do that right now” is all you need, and “no” is a full sentence. If you want to soften that a bit, you can try offering your friend support outside of that money or personal item. This could sound something like, “I don’t want to complicate our relationship/lending isn’t possible right now, but if there’s anything else I can do to help, please let me know.” This shows them that it’s not personal, and you still want to be there for them.
— Tori Dunlap
What's the best way to handle being on a different financial level than my friends, especially when it comes to taking trips or sharing social experiences?
It can be a little awkward to talk to your friends about what you can afford, especially if you’re in different financial situations. But remember that if you have any sort of friendship that is worth keeping, your friend is not going to be mad at you for asserting your boundaries. Transparency is key! There's a way to be honest and still remind your friends that they matter to you.
For something big like a trip, you can set expectations early on. When you’re looking at costs, sometimes all it takes is just a really quick, “Hey, how do you want us to split this?” or “What are your expectations for the cost of this?”
An example of this I really love is my friend, who has a different income level than me — when we go on trips, I really like looking at nicer hotels. It’s just something I value when I travel! But for her, that cost may not be as comfortable, so she’ll say something like, “I would love to stay with you in that hotel, but I can’t split this cost 50/50. So if this is something that’s really important to you, would you mind covering a bigger percentage?” I might be able to do 60%-70% or cover two nights to her one night. This helps us get on the same page from the jump.
If you need to set a boundary for something like a social event, try using what I call a “Gratitude Sandwich.” You sandwich the boundary, the potentially uncomfortable part, between two pieces of “bread” that are more positive. So say your friend invites you to a concert, and tickets are a little over your budget. You could say something like, “Thank you so much for inviting me; I would love to see you! Those tickets aren’t in my budget right now, but we could go get drinks, or I could have you over for dinner.”
Or, if it’s an event you’d really like to attend but the ticket price is the only kicker, you could try something like, “I would love to go with you, but I don’t want to spend my money on those seats. Could we find something cheaper?” Offering an alternative reminds your friend that it’s not about them and helps you find a way to spend time with them without sacrificing your budget.
— Tori Dunlap
Technology and friendship
Can I actually be friends with a chatbot?
You can simulate friendship with a chatbot, but you cannot actually be friends with a chatbot in the same way you can be friends with a human. Artificial intelligence can mimic human empathy and understanding, but it is not human. In its own way, “friendships” with chatbots are parasocial relationships. People may develop a connection to the chatbot, but that connection is not reciprocated. This is important to remember, as an overreliance on “artificial intimacy” — as MIT's Sherry Turkle coined — can negatively affect our ability to connect with other people on a deeper level.
— Caitlin Begg
Can you maintain a real friendship exclusively through technology, such as email or text?
Yes, it is possible to maintain a real friendship exclusively by technology, but in real life, physical and embodied connection matters for continuity and depth of a friendship. Overreliance on asynchronous communication — or communication that exists outside of a steady stream, like iMessage, text message, etc. — can have negative implications on friendships.
The key here is finding a level in the friendship that works for both people. For a lifelong best friend, IRL touches may be more important than an acquaintance you met once several years ago. Don't get "stuck in the screen" in a friendship — it's possible to have parasocial relationships with our friends as well! We can think that we are closer with our friends than we actually are based on viewing their Instagram stories and posts.
Don't forget to check in one on one! Even if a friend is far away, synchronous dialogue helps: FaceTime, phone call…or if time zones make this impossible, try a voice recording. It's important to continue to evaluate tone and intention in our friends' voices and to carve out time in our physical worlds to spend time with the people we care about most.
— Caitlin Begg
If a friend expects to be in constant contact with me over text, how do I handle setting boundaries?
Level 1: "Hi! I’ll call you later — I’m at work, and it’s hard to text."
Level 2: "Let’s discuss this in person this weekend! Or can I call you later?"
Level 3: "First of all, I love talking with you. I’m just not a big texter, and having long texting conversations feels overwhelming for me. I’m sorry! Can we keep our texts to quick check-ins, random thoughts and questions, and save the longer conversations for in person or over the phone?"
— Alexandra Hayes Robinson
Tricky dynamics
Can I say something if I don’t like my friend’s romantic partner?
I would say it's more about specific behaviors because whenever you say something about someone's entire character, it's going to trigger more defensiveness. So, you could say, “It’s hard for me to see you being talked down to. I would really love someone who talks to you very respectfully and lovingly. What's that like for you?” Emphasizing the specific behavior will trigger less defensiveness and more openness from your friends.
— Marisa Franco
Can I ask a friend to hang out solo if I met them through another friend?
Some people are anxious over this and are not OK with their friends mixing without them — I surveyed 200 women about this, and people feel differently. I've noticed that extroverts tend to be OK with it, and I've noticed people with an anxious attachment style tend to be less OK.
It can matter how close you are and how close your friend is to her friend: If they are besties, maybe she does feel some kind of way about you hanging out with her alone. But if they're more acquaintances, maybe she doesn’t mind.
These factors determine how a person feels about that arrangement. But if you feel like it's totally OK, and this is a connection you really want to pursue, then you may want to let your other friend know you’re hanging out with someone you met through her.
Don’t frame it as asking permission — just let her know what's going to happen, like, “Hey, Kara and I really clicked at your party, and we are going to the museum on Saturday.”
Just think through your friend's feelings. If it's a connection that really matters to you, and that's how you'd like to operate socially, then try to offer as much transparency as possible while still making your own decisions.
— Danielle Bayard Jackson
How do I handle feeling like a third wheel in a friendship?
Remember that friends want to know if you're struggling; they can also tolerate and recover from difficult conversations.
If you're feeling like a third wheel in a group of friends, tell your friends directly how you've been feeling lately and ask them to be more mindful of your experience. If you feel like a friend is drifting away, reach out gently with a call or a simple text to let your friend know you're missing them and would like to reconnect. Initiate plans to do something that you're confident your friend would enjoy.
If the feeling persists, talk with them openly to indicate you've noticed a change in the relationship and ask if everything is OK. In either scenario, if nothing changes after directly communicating, it's important to accept that relationships change. Most friendships do not last forever or stay at the same level of priority throughout the lifespan — and that's OK because people evolve and go through different chapters of their lives.
Consider re-prioritizing other relationships in your life. Work to find your own joy either by spending time alone in activities you enjoy or investing in relationships with others.
— Molly Burrets
When can I stay friends with my friend’s ex?
Determine if it’s completely non-threatening to the friendship you have with your original friend by asking them explicitly — and gauge how they respond. If it is nonthreatening to your original or central friendship, then it's not a problem.
Another thing you need to think through, though, is if there are ulterior motives on either person's side, which can make things a little messy. At the end of the day, if it's causing tension between you and the original friend, you might decide it's not worth it.
— Danielle Bayard Jackson
These responses have been edited for clarity and length.
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