My friend drinks too much. How can I help her?
Dear A&E,
My friend drinks far far too much. She lost her husband last year, as well as her job, and is juggling a lot alone. Recently, I said I was worried about her drinking and she admitted it was an addiction – but she was adamant that AA and counselling wouldn’t work for her and it’s just about ‘cutting back’. But she says she’ll only do that when her life is in order. I know she’s an adult and it’s up to her, but she has no close family and, though she has good friends, none of them are doing much besides worrying privately. I feel it’s up to me to help, only I’m at a loss. — Trying
Dear Trying,
first, we must congratulate you on being a good friend. You entered into the fray, faced the Medusa of addiction with its writhing sneaky snakes, looked it in the eye(s) and were not turned to stone. You did a hard thing, while others are just chittering behind backs. But now we have to counsel you to put your sword down and walk away. You are not a demon-drink slayer; the only person who can complete this quest is your friend.
There are so many disempowering things about alcohol addiction for both those who are using and those who are watching – there is agony everywhere, shame, pain, guilt. We understand your instinct, in the absence of parents or a partner, to look around for a responsible adult only to find – to your horror and surprise – that the responsible adult is you.
But we need to tell you, Trying, that no adult, however responsible, will be able to stop your friend from drinking. She is the only person with that power. We hope this eases your burden a little.
So it sounds as if, in this phase of your friend’s drinking, she is all about bargaining with herself: her demons are levelling up the negotiations, so it’s all ‘I’ll deal with it when this happens or that changes’. The demons want to keep your friend isolated and vulnerable, so it becomes a self-fulfilling situation. She is pouring alcohol all over her feelings. She knows she is a problem drinker. And now she knows you know.
Emilie knew she was a problem drinker long before she stopped drinking. She made bargains with herself too, but nothing came to much because there was always an obstacle of some sort in the way. But Emilie hasn’t had a drink for 15 years, which feels like an impossible set of words written down. When she was at her worst, she remembers Annabel turning to her and saying, ‘I am not qualified to help you. It’s time to help yourself.’ She was furious. To the addict brain that sounded like a betrayal, but ultimately it was an act of love.
Precisely because you love your friend and want to help her, you have to get out of the way as she crashes to her rock bottom. You tell her you are there for her, and then you wait. Seek out a local Al-Anon meeting for yourself – you will find so much wisdom and solace there, a whole community of people who understand. It will help you in your relationship with her. To detach, but still to love. Believe us, she will be full of the self-loathing and self-righteousness of the addict. She will be borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, patching things up here and there, her life will be an exhausting series of moving parts until one day, hopefully, she will be so tired she has to put them down and find a meeting, a therapist, an online group, rehab, wherever, to lay her weary head.
It may be a small thing that causes the shift or it may be a catastrophe. It may be waking up in the gutter with no keys, no wallet, no memories, or it may be truly terrible. Either way, you are powerless, absolutely powerless to change it. It doesn’t matter how responsible you are, Trying. You are not responsible. So the only thing you can do, you have done. You told her you love her, that you are there for her and that you see her. The only thing that’s left is for her to see herself.
Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on [email protected]
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