I found condoms in my teenage daughter's bedroom – should I confront her?

Dear A&E,

I was tidying my 16-year-old daughter’s bedroom the other day and I found a packet of condoms, opened, with one missing. I’ve never been squeamish in talking to her about sex, but it has sent me into a spiral. I think I need to have a conversation with her but I don’t want to invade her privacy. It’s like a can of worms has been opened… and I wish I’d never gone into her room in the first place. Help!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

In some uncomfortable way, finding condoms in a teenage girl’s bedroom could be good news. Better for it to be a box of safety measures, than a letter confirming an appointment with the clap clinic. That your daughter is prepared to think responsibly about sex is credit to you, so bank this as a win even if it feels like a loss right now – more on this in a moment.

Secondly, we wanted to offer some comfort from our own, distant teenage past: an open packet of condoms offers no certainty that actual sex is taking place. One of us carried around a condom in their Filofax for four years before she actually used it. The other one of us had an enormous vibrator tucked away in the back of her drawer for years, which had been given to her by sniggering, hysterical boys (imagine if that happened now!) on her 15th birthday. She never used it and eventually snuck it out to the rubbish. So, this might not be about sex right now. It might be about getting kitted out for the future.

We acknowledge that is difficult for you: she is your baby, and of course you don’t want her being pawed at by drunken boys. Of course you are worried about consent; about all the terrible scandals we have read recently about sexual pressure inflicted by teenage boys and the culture of abuse in schools. You want your daughter to feel empowered and excited by life and its rich tapestry, not trapped and tangled in it. Perhaps you are also thinking of your own experiences, all the bad, awkward sex, all the confusion and self-esteem crises. But just because you are feeling bereft, doesn’t mean that something bad has happened. It would be much weirder if you weren’t freaked out.

So here’s what to do. Given that she knows that you clean her room and that you weren’t snooping, you might say something like this, “When I was tidying up the other day, I came across a packet of condoms. Whatever is happening, I just want to say that I am so proud of you for being safe and if you want to talk, I’m 100 per cent here.”

In her book Untangled (essential reading for parents of tween or teen girls), clinical psychologist Lisa Damour talks about the seven transitions into adulthood. On sex she is clear: “We want our daughters to handle themselves maturely around the risks that come with sex, so we should address them as the thoughtful young women we expect them to be. If you approach the topic from the standpoint of ‘sex is for grown-ups, you’re still a kid, stay away from it’, your daughter will simply nod at you from behind her veil. Worse, she might be inclined to prove her maturity by becoming sexually active.”

And, if you panic, she will sense your panic and then everything about sex between you will become layered with panic. You say you have never been squeamish about talking to her about sex. It may not be that she felt unable to talk to you, it may instead be that she’s OK with the choices she is making. Maybe it’s testament, if she is happy and safe, that she can handle her sexuality without being constantly traumatised by it. All those conversations, all that groundwork you’ve laid are paying off.

So don’t shy away from it now. You can still be the one telling her that there is no shame, that you are always available to talk. And remind her that she is empowered – and therefore empowered enough to say no. We remember the awful Old Testament messages of our youth that the worst thing we could be was “easy” or “sluts”. We internalised that narrative, leaving us very confused about sex for years.

As long as you haven’t noticed any changes in her behaviour and she isn’t withdrawn or uncharacteristically anxious, then it feels like you have stumbled on something that is taking its proper place in the fabric of her life, Confused. Just make sure you are shoulder-to-shoulder with her on this next bit of her journey.

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