How I escaped Facebook's toxicity and forged true friendships with other men
It is difficult for men to make friends.
With our time devoted to our careers, families and personal time, it is difficult to forge new friendships after a certain age. Many in my age group made friends in high school and college, but have found few since that time.
Colleagues and co-workers are acquaintances of convenience. We build familiarity with them, but that does not often mature into any deeper personal relationship.
As a married man with grown children, I have entered a new phase of life. It is often lonely. I can go days without talking to anyone who really knows me apart from my wife and job-relevant work conversations. Having stepped away from the social aspects of religion years ago, due to the cliques and politics of the church I attended, I am left without friends who share similar beliefs and interests.
How 'Star Wars' united middle-aged men
In 2018, I started a Facebook group called Everything Millennium Falcon. I grew up with an interest in that iconic starship and have maintained it through adulthood.
Over the past six years, the group has attracted around 6,000 followers. There is daily content that engages members and we have a kind and informative environment, moderated and cultivated by myself and other administrators. We have a group of mostly men, ages 45-55, who share many of the same interests.
There are daily discussions of model building, 3D design and explorations of related hobbies. We share our works in progress and discuss theory and history surrounding the Falcon models and also within the "Star Wars" universe. We are grownup kids who still feel affection for this icon from our boyhoods.
I’ve heard from many members who come for a diversion and view the group as a nice escape. Our group charter is built around kindness and staying on topic. We don’t allow things like ads or sales. The admins defend against scams and bots in order to protect our members and promote our focus.
We visit the profiles of questionable applicants to vet them and filter out the obviously false ones. The group is kept clear of ugliness, bickering and even swear words. We serve a wide range of people and endeavor to be conscious of our audience.
Facebook groups can be places for friendship
In our six-year history, we have never had a post reported to Facebook for abusive language or scams. I take pride in that. In that same time, I have had to remove only a few people who chose to break our guidelines and be hurtful or divisive.With that said, I posit the following theory. Well run, focused Facebook groups can be a fertile ground for the forging of new friendships. I have met some amazing people through the group. Some have become close friends who have shared the most personal moments of my life.
At 50 years old, it’s not uncommon to lose our parents. I shared that tragic day, the day I lost my dad, with a friend who I met through my group. He talked to me through that awful waiting period as my dad slipped away. He comforted me as only a kindred friend can. He had lost his dad not long before, and truly shared my sorrow. He was available and supportive, offering sympathy and, occasionally, much needed distraction at that most terrible time.
Here’s the most incredible part. My friend lives in Northern Ireland. I have never met him in person. That friendship would not have happened without my Facebook group.
Stay away from keyboard warriors
Facebook groups, of course, can be cauldrons of toxicity and hatred. Keyboard warriors abound in those groups, spewing ugliness and exerting imaginary dominance. Some people are so ugly inside that they have to let it spill out on others.
The groups where that is allowed are not good for the psyche. They add stress to an already stressful life and make the lonely even more lonely. The name of the game in that environment is exclusion. It’s bullying, plain and simple. I leave those groups. There is enough chaos in everyday life without adding anxiety over whether I’m liked by a faceless jerk online.
I choose the environment in which I wish to exist. Facebook has tools to alert admins of keywords that can be defined independently by each group’s leadership. In our group, I receive alerts for hot-button issues, swear words and bigoted terms. Such posts or comments are immediately removed, and the member is warned. If there are further offensive things posted, those members are unceremoniously removed and banned.
I have made acquaintances and dear friends through the group. They are skilled builders, movie industry professionals and entry-level hobbyists, all people who just want a decent place to gather.
The power of social media can be used for good or for bad. In an age where everyone has a voice and can share their opinions, a group with a firm groundwork and active moderation can help the friendless become less so.I pride myself and our group on the congregation of people who find connection and lasting, meaningful friendships. I encourage more kindhearted people to build spaces like this for us to meet, share and escape.
Michael Cotterman lives and works in Central Indiana. He is a hobbyist model builder and writer of exploratory poetry. His Facebook group, Everything Millennium Falcon, is devoted to the celebration and exploration of the famed movie starship, the models used for filming and the art of building replicas.
This article originally appeared on Indianapolis Star: How a Millennium Falcon Facebook group helped me find male friends
