Dr. Ronsisvalle: Struggling couples should seek help if they want to save the relationship
Sarah and John sat in my clinical office for the first time several years ago, stating simply: “We can’t continue to live together, we’re constantly fighting.”
They recounted countless stories of trivial issues spiraling into massive fights, wounding each other deeply with words. Something as simple as deciding on dinner could spark arguments lasting for days.
Their lack of conflict resolution reached a boiling point just before our first session. One fateful night, their communication was so poor that a loud argument on the back porch prompted a concerned neighbor to call the cops.
The humiliation of explaining their behavior to law enforcement was profound and became the catalyst for seeking marital counseling.
Though they had talked about it for years, this incident was the tipping point. John called my office the next morning, and a couple of weeks later they were sitting in front of me for their first session.
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Once John, Sarah and I decided to work together, we faced a significant hurdle: their conflicting schedules.
Sarah, a teacher, had a rigid daytime schedule, while John, working internationally, was often out of town and busy with late meetings.
Clinically, I had to approach John and Sarah in a different manner, and to accommodate them, I scheduled sessions with Sarah after school and met with John in the mornings when he was available.
This approach allowed us to focus on their individual issues, helping them grow personally and, in turn, transform their relationship.
Surprisingly, this method changed my approach to marital therapy. As John and Sarah made individual progress, their marriage improved.
Despite not working on conflict resolution and communication techniques as a couple, their personal growth had a remarkable impact as they addressed their core personal issues.
This experience led me to recognize what I call "the ripple effect": positive change in one member of a marriage, or even a family, can have a significant positive impact on all the relationships involved.
This truth offers hope for those struggling in relationships.
We are not at the mercy of a troubled relationship, or a bad marriage.
The ripple effect demonstrates the incredible power of personal growth to improve all relationships involved; the power of “one.”
The ripple effect demonstrates the astonishing power of personal growth. I’ll outline the progress I made with John and Sarah below as a template for how a change in one partner can dramatically impact an entire relationship.
If you’re struggling with conflict in a relationship — whether with a spouse, friend or coworker — this roadmap can show you how your own growth can transform your interactions.
Step 1: Increase your self-awareness
What struck me about John and Sarah was how affable and pleasant they were.
Sarah, known for her meticulous lesson plans and dynamic classroom personality, and John for his successful interactions with clients all over the world, both excelled in social skills.
These strengths served them well professionally, yet they struggled to handle disagreements in their marriage.
As I worked with John and Sarah individually, the disparity between their professional success and their chronic marital conflict became clear. Both excelled at being positive, upbeat and encouraging in surface-level interactions that didn't require deep emotional engagement.
Sarah thrived as a teacher because she could lead her classroom effectively, focusing on her students' physical and educational needs without expecting emotional responses from them.
Similarly, John connected well with his consulting clients, whose business relationships were temporary and task-focused, so not very deep. His role required fulfilling the contract, not engaging emotionally.
This pattern of avoiding deep emotional processing worked professionally but hindered their intimate relationship, where emotional engagement and conflict resolution are crucial.
As I worked with John and Sarah, it became evident that their problems began as their emotional connection deepened.
They both traced their conflict back to the period following their engagement, not their marriage.
The roles of husband and wife carried unparalleled significance for them.
When discussing their roles in the marriage, both struggled to identify and articulate their emotions. The only emotion they consistently recognized was anger. John and Sarah knew when they were angry at each other, but that was it.
This lack of self-awareness about the breadth and depth of their emotions was at the core of their problems.
Over the years, I've discovered that many couples struggling with conflict deal with emotions in one of two ways. Some individuals feel engulfed by their emotions.
These people aren't aware of what's happening inside them. Their moods shift often, leaving them powerless to control their emotions because they lack awareness of them as they come and go.
This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to change their feelings, leaving them feeling completely out of control.
Others with poor self-awareness, rather than feeling engulfed by their emotions, often feel resigned to them.
These individuals are more aware of what they're feeling but believe they shouldn't have to address their emotions. If they're in a good mood, they see no need to change.
If they're in a bad mood, they feel entitled to it and believe there's nothing they can do to change it.
Step 2. Learn to regulate your emotions
In therapy, Sarah and John tackled self-awareness as their first priority. This enabled them to recognize their emotions as they arose, empowering them to handle them mindfully.
With each passing minute, they became more attuned to their emotions, giving them the confidence to manage whatever feelings emerged. This newfound awareness gave them control over their emotions, allowing them to regulate them effectively.
The first step to regulating your emotions is recognizing patterns that emerge when you start to feel strong emotions.
This requires a level of intellectual honesty and curiosity that may be uncomfortable for many of us.
Often, these patterns are rooted in past experiences that have left deep-seated insecurities.
The key question to ask yourself is, "What is happening around me, and what past experiences does it bring up for me?"
By examining these patterns, you gain a deeper understanding of when to pay close attention to the emotions stirring within you.
Once you identify and pay attention to your emotions, you can take action. The key is to monitor your self-talk.
Often, our thoughts during moments of emotional turmoil are negative and toxic.
Sarah, for instance, struggled with thoughts like, "I'll never be enough," and, "You are always trying to control me," as she navigated her emotions with John.
Through therapy, she learned to shift her cognitive narrative, replacing destructive thoughts with empowering ones such as, "my best effort is all I've got," and, "he's not trying to control me; he's responding to the situation as I might."
It may sound too good to be true, but decades of research have shown that thoughts influence feelings, which in turn affects behavior.
By changing our narrative about our relationships and our partners' intentions, we can begin to change our mood.
Step 3 Understand the role of trauma
I get it, the idea that shifting your thoughts can transform your life and relationships might sound too good to be true.
It's like the magic pill of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the most empirically validated treatment available to psychologists working in the clinical office.
But let's be real — while changing our mindset is crucial for emotional regulation, it's not always easy.
There are moments when our reactions are so instinctive that we can't even pinpoint the negative thoughts behind them, let alone change them.
We've all been there, feeling emotionally overwhelmed without fully understanding why.
In those moments of quick anger and reactivity with our spouse, past traumas likely play a role.
During this fluid and intuitive process, the frontal lobe, the area responsible for rational thought and reasoning, shuts down, while the primitive structure called the amygdala, responsible for emotion regulation, takes charge.
The amygdala stores implicit emotional memories — recollections of past emotions rather than specific events.
These memories influence our behavior and emotional responses without our conscious awareness, shaping our actions based on unresolved issues from past relationships.
For example, someone might feel anxious in a situation reminiscent of a past trauma, even without consciously remembering the event.
These implicit memories subtly influence our preferences, fears and decisions, guiding our actions without us realizing them.
In my work with John, we uncovered a link between his rapid emotional reactions to Sarah and situations that triggered painful memories from his relationship with his father.
Growing up, John's father never allowed him to express emotions freely, leading him to feel overwhelmed by any disappointment or negativity in his interactions with Sarah.
Trying to change his negative thoughts about Sarah in the moment was futile because it required rational thinking, which was overridden by the amygdala, leaving John controlled by unconscious reactions rooted in past hurts.
Step 4: Reach out for help as soon as possible
The good news about John and Sarah is that they tackled their issues head-on and witnessed the transformative power of personal growth in their relationship.
They boosted their self-awareness of underlying emotions, shifted their mindset about each other and their marriage, and even confronted past traumas that fueled present-day anger.
The beauty of addressing relationship issues therapeutically has grown tremendously in recent years.
Therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR now equip people with specific skills for emotional regulation and help heal past traumas.
When combined with traditional marriage therapy focusing on communication, skills, and problem-solving, the results can be remarkable.
At LiveWell clinics, we offer a marriage program designed for deep healing through intentional engagement.
Additionally, our marriage intensives provide a jumpstart for couples struggling in traditional therapy or seeking quicker solutions to long-standing problems.
Lasting anywhere from 3 to 5 days, these intensives include follow-ups with LiveWell clinicians, either in person or virtually.
Just like John and Sarah, couples in these programs have made significant progress by addressing core personal growth issues.
For anyone facing chronic conflict in a relationship, my advice is simple: reach out for help without delay. Don't let resentment fester — take proactive steps to address the issues head-on.
Our team at Livewell is here to support your journey toward individual and couples' progress.
Whether you prefer a traditional approach or want to kickstart growth with an intensive program, don't hesitate to contact us.
We're committed to showing you the transformative power of personal growth and how it can change your relationship for the better, permanently.
Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com or call 321-259-1662.
This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Couples therapy works. You just have to change your mindset | Ronsisvalle
