Dr. Ronsisvalle: If you don't practice what you preach, take these steps to find alignment

Nestled within the comforting walls of my clinical psychologist’s office, I recently found myself immersed in a poignant conversation with a young man who we’ll refer to as Jon.

There was an air of uncertainty about him, a heaviness in his gaze that hid a profound secret he could no longer bear.

The story he unfurled was one of personal moral failure. You see, Jon believed, to his core, that commitment and faithfulness to his wife stood as the cornerstone of his identity as a husband, a principle he clung to with unwavering resolve.

Yet, despite these passionately held convictions, Jon’s existence was one defined by relentless stress and burnout, which had slowly drained him of vitality.

In a confounding turn of events, these convictions collided head-on with his actions. The man who had spent a decade fervently professing devotion to his wife was now ensnared in an illicit affair, an act that would ultimately shatter his world.

The consequences of Jon’s decisions were nothing short of catastrophic, not just for him and his wife but for their innocent children, as well as their circle of friends and extended family.

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The heartbreak was palpable, but, sadly, it was a story that, as a clinical psychologist, I have become all too accustomed to hearing.

In truth, we’ve all faced situations like Jon’s, where our actions don’t align with our values — a phenomenon psychologists term the “value-action gap.”

This disconnect is an intrinsic aspect of the human experience. Consider a few everyday examples:

• Despite claiming a deep appreciation for honesty and truth, many resort to lies to protect themselves or their interests.

• Though firmly convinced of the importance of exercise and a healthy diet, we often fall short in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

• Some who vehemently condemn the destructive impact of pornography find themselves consistenly indulging in it.

• Even though most acknowledge the issues with heavy drinking, they repeatedly overindulge.

• Many parents stress the importance of calm and intentional interactions with their children, yet they frequently react emotionally and can even be condescending or critical.

• While we all agree on the significance of treating people with respect and dignity, we thoughtlessly fire off mean and hateful comments on social media.

As a wise man once said, we often find ourselves “doing what we don’t want to do and not doing what we want to do.”

The value-action gap is an ever-present challenge in our lives, reminding us that embracing our values through consistent actions requires ongoing self-awareness and effort.

Even if our incongruent behavior doesn't lead to dire consequences like Jon's, it leaves us feeling inauthentic, discontent and generally unhappy. The inverse is true as well.

When our actions align with our core values, we experience greater happiness, a profound connection to purpose and are more equipped to solve life’s problems and navigate difficult situations.

If you're tired of the inauthenticity and anxiety stemming from the values-action gap, here's a plan to help you consistently live out your values.

1. Commit to an honest self-appraisal

The first step is embracing brutal honesty. It’s all about making a pact with yourself to see the unvarnished truth, not viewing yourself through a filtered and unrealistic lens.

Be prepared to dive deep, to be unflinchingly vulnerable with the reality you uncover.

It’s even worth considering a heart-to-heart with a trusted adviser or a therapist, who can guide you in objectively defining your values. This journey begins with you, but you don’t have to go it alone.

2. Identify your values

Think back through the timeline of your life, from childhood to the present.

What moments have taught you important lessons about life?

What were your greatest challenges?

What’s been deeply rewarding?

What makes you feel happy, passionate, fully alive?

Write down all the significant experiences and make sure to include the enlightening and the challenging; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now, observe your entire timeline for recurring themes in your most meaningful and impactful experiences.

Group them together and distill them down to their most essential elements.

Some may boil down to a few words, like “kindness” or “faith-driven,” while others may be more specific, such as “a passion for adventure” or “integrity under pressure” or “I love to work hard to perform well.”

Once you’ve identified your valued and impactful experiences, place an asterisk next to the ones that truly reflect who you are or aspire to become.

Try to keep the asterisks limited to a maximum of 10 values. These are your core values, the ones you will intentionally commit to embody daily.

They are the values you find deeply meaningful that align with your legacy, your heart, and your purpose in life.

You may also notice that there are experiences from your past that did not make it to your values list. These either lacked an asterisk because they didn’t align with your core self, or they were experiences you would rather not repeat.

It’s important to recognize the patterns here, for many of those moments may relate to times when your actions were perhaps diametrically opposed to the things you value.

They are probably the embodiment of your value-action gaps. Some could be the result of choices made by others driven by their own lack of integrity.

Whatever the case, you’re now looking at a list of values you want to integrate into your life, alongside a list of experiences you’d rather not repeat. It’s a map for navigating your path forward.

3. Commit to alignment

Now, we arrive at the true challenge: bridging the gap between your core values and the nitty-gritty details of your daily life.

The goal is here is to create a life that is in sync with these core values. This only happens when you’re willing to be very intentional about the decisions you make, minute by minute, moment by moment.

Grab another piece of paper and jot down the specific behaviors that reflect your core values.

Visualize how they would manifest within the roles you play every day. If you’re in a relationship or are married, explore how living out your core values might reshape your perception of yourself, your spouse and your attitudes about marriage and relationships.

If you hold a job, consider all the ways that living out your core values would influence the way you view your role at work.

Ponder how it would shift the way you speak to team members and the integrity with which your approach professional tasks.

After you’ve examined each major role in your life, review the list two or three times.

Now, it’s all about committing wholeheartedly to practice these new behaviors with fervor and dedication.

As you delve into this list, you might identify certain relationships, situation, or environments where you’ve struggled with the values-action gap. This is, in fact, great news!

It provides you with specific behaviors to concentrate on that will likely yield a happier more harmonious and fulfilled life.

Remember this as you work on embracing and repeating these new behaviors: the lack of alignment you’ve experienced in the past may have felt oddly comfortable.

There is a certain familiarity in living out of sync that can be hard to break. But that is perfectly fine.

You’ll be surprised by the progress you can achieve by persistently and intentionally repeating behaviors that are consistent with your value system.

Repetition is key here, the path that leads to alignment over time.

4. Find accountability

As you embark on your journey to fight back against the value-action gap and cultivate alignment in your life, expect moments of frustrations when you fall short of behaviors that resonate with your core values.

It’s important to understand that alignment does not demand perfection. We’re not meant to be perfectly and precisely where we aspire to be, and it’s crucial to embrace the forgiving nature of alignment.

In this process, finding grace often comes through connecting with supportive and encouraging individuals.

Change thrives within the context of relationships, particularly when addressing the value-action gap. At the very least, see out a trusted advisor to walk this path with you.

Those grappling with more profound misalignment may benefit from the guidance of a professional coach or counselor.

At LiveWell Behavioral Health, we have a team of both coaches and counselors ready to assist anyone motivated to make a change.

As always, we are available to meet with anyone who’s motivated and ready to change.

Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com or call 321-259-1662.

This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Here's a plan to help you consistently live out your personal values