Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle: People can be rude during the holidays; don't return the sentiment
Ah, the holidays — a rollercoaster of emotions that veers between the bliss of "the most wonderful time of the year" and the startling stress that sneaks up on us when we least expect it.
In the realm of psychology, particularly in the bustling corridors of our LiveWell clinics, the period from Thanksgiving to the New Year is a whirlwind of therapeutic demand.
Clients flock to us, seeking solace as they navigate the tumultuous waters of holiday parties, family obligations and the flurry of end-of-the-year activities.
In the midst of all the holiday buzz and chaos, it's no wonder the most stress-inducing part often comes from the delicate dance of handling difficult relationships.
Whether entwined in the complexities of close family relationships or interacting with random people in crowded shopping centers and bustling grocery stores, the holiday landscape is peppered with moments where we encounter individuals who seem to have misplaced their manners, and are simply rude and disrespectful.
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Certainly, not everyone forgets their civility during this festive season; most individuals have a special grace that makes the holidays a genuine pleasure.
However, some lack the capacity to cope with the inherent stress of the season, and they can be downrightcantankerous.
These are the individuals who, regardless of familial ties or casual neighborly interactions, pose the greatest challenge during the holidays.
If we look at the spirit of our times, the lack of civility we experience from others is a reflection of a deeper problem of disrespect that has dominated us culturally over the last several years.
Think back over your holiday experiences since the 2016 election or, more notably, since the pandemic hit.
Do you wrestle more often with family members who suddenly forgot how to be civil?
Does it seem like the general public is extra disrespectful and rude, especially when holiday vibes are in the air?
If your story matches up with the stories pouring into LiveWell, you're probably nodding along with aresounding "Yes!"
Still not buying into the idea that disrespect is on the rise?
Well then, here's a little challenge for you.
Scroll through your Twitter or Facebook feed; just peek at how folks talk to each other day in and day out. Not convinced yet?
Talk to a few friends, throw it out there — do they think people are more disrespectful these days?
If we're keeping it real, it won't take long before we all agree that being civil is not just background noise, but has become a real problem and is having a real impact upon us.
No sugarcoating it; it’s infecting the way we interact with one another during the very moments we should be savoring with friends and family.
The research on the uptick in disrespectful attitudes between folks suggests that incivility does indeed have a profound impact.
When researchers studied how rude and disrespectful people affected the dynamics of workplace teams, they found a whopping 66% of individuals dealing with someone on the not-so-polite end of the spectrum saw their internal motivation for work take a nosedive.
And get this: 80% of the working crowd actually spent their work hours worrying about these disrespectful encounters.
One company estimated a jaw-dropping loss of over $12 million in a single year, all thanks to the toxic cloud of disrespect in the workplace.
The bottom line from the research is crystal clear — when we aren’t civil with one another, the impact on us isdramatic.
But what if you’re fortunate enough to avoid the disrespectful family members or interactions with others during the holidays?
Does that mean you get a free pass from the impacts of this cultural incivility epidemic? Turns out, no.
Those same corporate researchers found that workers who were merely spectators to someone else’s rude behavior experienced a hit to their productivity.
Twenty-five percent saw a decline in their work productivity and 45% found their creative problem-solving skills take a nosedive.
Incivility is like a contagious bug, infecting not just those in the middle of it but also the innocent bystanders.
So, even if you never personally experience the disrespectful situations, you’re still carrying the toxic baggage, just by witnessing it unfold.
The idea that we are somehow immune to the consequences of our cultural disrespect is a fantasy.
Whether or not you’ve had a front-row seat to holiday disrespect, it’s high time we all work together to change the tide of the culture at large and relearn the art of being civil to each other.
So, here is a roadmap — a set of strategies that will ensure we treat each other with respect and respond in an effective manner even in the most uncivilized situations.
1. Focus on managing your own emotion
As we talked about earlier, we always see an increase in demand for services at our LiveWell clinics during the holidays.
It’s not just about clients seeking strategies to tackle those unruly friends and family members; they are also searching for ways to ensure that they do not become the same rude characters they are trying to navigate.
Keep this in mind — incivility is contagious. The more you witness it, the more likely you are to catch it and start dishing it out yourself.
This is where emotional regulation enters as the hero of the story.
You've got to be on top of recognizing your own stress levels and make sure you do not allow yourself to act out of sync with your core values during those hair-pulling moments.
It's a mental battlefield. Take a pause and inventory the thoughts swirling in your head during those stress-packed instances.
Channel your focus onto the positive, healthy narratives attached to this time of year.
These are the moments when you want to focus on the beauty of giving, grace, and connection.
Don't let yourself get caught up in the drama of responding to other people's stress anddon't feel obligated to take another person's rude behavior personally.
Offense is inevitable, but being offended is a choice!
When someone lets you down or speaks to you in hurtful ways, steer clear of the knee-jerk reaction of defending yourself.
Instead, chalk up the rude individual's behavior to their own stress. You don't need them to have their stress in check for you to feel good about yourself in those moments.
2. Speak the truth in love
Once you've got your own emotions in check, the question becomes: do you want to respond to rude behavior?
Sometimes, it's worth stepping up to the plate simply to set a boundary, to make sure that disrespectful nonsense doesn't persist.
Your best option isn't about defensive moves or lowering yourself to uncivil tactics; it's about speakingthe truth, but doing it with love.
Let me break it down with a real-life example.
Say you're at a holiday party, and a family member drops a rude and disrespectful comment about politics.
You stay calm because you’re not about to let that comment have the power to stir up offense, but there might be a need to lay down the truth with a whole lot of love.
Civility is more than just being nice; it's so much richer and more complex.
Start by listening, asking some curious questions to understand how and why they've landed on their opinion.
Once they feel seen and heard, that's your cue to set your boundary.
Show them empathy while you express your opinion and perspective in a warm and loving manner.
Now, let's be real, the likelihood you change their political stance might be very slim, but your goal here is simple — to shut down the rude and disrespectful behavior.
You might be surprised at how much power you have in the process when you blend empathy with warmth and firm boundaries.
We teach these strategies quite a bit in the clinical office, and the feedback we get is often a pleasant surprise.
We receive amazingly positive reports about how others respond when these strategies are implemented.
Now, here's the final nugget of encouragement — speak the truth in love without getting concerned about the actual outcome.
You're not in charge of whether someone respects your values or appreciates the grace you're extending.
All you can do is the next healthy thing and then let go of what happens next.
3. Practice gratitude
Let's wander through the wealth of research on gratitude, a journey that spans decades and uncovers the deep impact it has on our lives.
It turns out, feelings of gratitude aren't just a warm and fuzzy concept; they're linked to better sleep, greater happiness, improved physical health and a tendency towards kinder actions.
In a world that often seems cynical, imagine what could happen if we all decided to be a little bit moregrateful this holiday season.
As we gather with family and friends during the holidays, there will be opportunities to connect with those who've influenced our journey in powerful ways, those who've left an indelible mark on our lives.
Don't let these moments slip away without taking the time to acknowledge them, without expressing genuine thanks.
Share with them how they've been a source of inspiration, recount the moments when their words breathed life into you, and let them know just how much they mean to you.
Yes, even those difficult and challenging friends and family members, they too possess redeeming qualities.
Seek out those nuggets of goodness and affirm them directly.
Choosing to focus on the positive qualities they possess, rather than dwelling on annoying habits in our lovedones, will improve our state of mind, uplift our holiday spirits and, remarkably, trigger positive prosocial behaviors, even in our most challenging relationships.
Gratitude now emerges as a beacon of civility. It's a call to arms, a collective effort to reshape the culture we navigate.
As we've established, incivility is contagious, but here's the flip side — kindness and civility are contagious too.
It's a ripple effect; the more people witness us embodying these qualities, the more likely they are to extend kindness and respect to others.
So, let's band together to set a different tone this holiday season by placing gratitude at the forefront.
We might be shocked at how powerful this one shift in perspective could be; the game-changer we've been searching for.
Happy holidays, everyone! Here's to a season full of healthy relationships, joy, blessings and an abundance of gratitude!
Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com or call 321-259-1662.
This article originally appeared on Florida Today: How to respond with civility to uncivilized situations during holidays
