Dear Richard Madeley: 'I feel I've lost my son for good'
Dear Richard,
My 23-year-old son was my pride and joy throughout his childhood. I divorced his father, who was bipolar, when my son was small. Since leaving home and going to university, he has changed radically.
We fell out when he was home for several months during the pandemic. His behaviour became surly and borderline abusive, and I had to ask him to leave. I arranged to pay for his accommodation, so I wasn’t making him homeless.
Now I don’t see him or speak to him. I only get news of him through other family members. I know he has a job and a roof over his head, but little more than that. I don’t contact him now. I tried and tried in the first couple of years, but any friendly gesture or attempt to reason with him is rejected or ignored.
I feel I’ve lost him for good – and I worry he’s inherited his father’s mental health difficulties. What can I do?
— M, via telegraph.co.uk
Dear M,
I am so, so sorry. This estrangement must be extraordinarily painful for you, especially as – so far as I can see – you’ve done nothing to deserve it.
Having said that, it sounds to me as if this was a relationship breakdown that was always on the cards, pandemic or no. And if your son was becoming increasingly irrational and abusive when he was living with you, then obviously that was behaviour that had to be dealt with. You are entitled to protect yourself. And as you say, you weren’t casting him out into the street.
You ask me what you can do. The problem here is, clearly, that he simply won’t respond to any of your overtures. I can only guess at the reasons for his implacable stance. But I’ve racked my brains, M, and all I can suggest is this.
Buy him a belated Christmas present – something you absolutely know he’ll like; a special edition of a favourite book, a bottle of a wine he always used to enjoy, a framed print by an artist he once spoke warmly of. Send it by special delivery. Include in the parcel an envelope containing printouts of photos from his childhood with you – the happy times. Birthday parties. Christmases. Add a brief note telling him how much you will always love him, and will treasure those happy days.
But leave it at that. Don’t ask him to get in touch; don’t turn it into some kind of quid pro quo. Keep it as an unconditional gesture of love.
I have no idea if this will draw him back to you, M, at least not immediately. All I can counsel is patience. (And try not to worry too much about his mental health in the meantime – you may be right about him inheriting his father’s bipolar disorder, but it’s really just speculation at this point, and if he’s holding down a job that’s surely a good sign, at least for now.)
But I think reminding your boy, gently and generously, just how unqualified his mother’s love for him is, can at least do no harm. I sincerely wish you well.
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
