Dear Richard Madeley: My best friend has given up on our friendship – my confidence is really knocked
Dear Richard,
I am a married man in my early 50s. I had a best friend for many years, but about 10 years ago he got married and since then we have drifted apart. I tried to stay in contact, but he has repeatedly declined invitations or simply not replied to messages. Eventually I stopped contacting him, but the rejection I feel still stings.
I am finding it quite hard to make new friends, although I try. I do have a group of five male friends – we watch football or go out for a beer and dinner – but there’s not the depth of friendship I used to have with my ‘bestie’. I should add that my wife has been really encouraging of my male friendships.
I have come to realise that my former best friend giving up on our friendship really knocked my confidence – it also made me question the value I had placed on our friendship while it lasted. It even made me resent his wife for taking him away from me.
Should I reconcile myself to this state of affairs, or set about deepening my relationship with one or more of the ‘lads’? And if it’s the second option – how?
— Paul, via email
Dear Paul,
I wonder if this may be a case of chasing rainbows. You yearn for a multi-hued, multi-dimensional friendship that satisfies all your emotional needs outside marriage.
Hmmm. For a start, I don’t think such ideal kinships come along all that often. They certainly can’t be taken down off the shelf. I think your need may partly spring from a faint sense of paranoia over why your ex-‘bestie’ broke things off. You worry it might be something to do with you, or reveal that the friendship wasn’t quite the David and Jonathan paragon you thought it was.
Paul, people change. Marriage can certainly change them; give them new and different priorities. The arrival of children, for example. He may simply not have the time to nourish old alliances – or, frankly, have the need for them. Or perhaps his wife is not quite as accepting as yours is about nights out ‘with the lads’, and he’s putting her wishes first.
The point is, you don’t know. So try to stop overthinking it. People drift apart. It was ever thus.
As for your existing circle of friends, I would advise against a deliberate attempt to deepen the friendship with one of them. To be honest, you might scare him off. Friendships have to develop naturally; a self-conscious, over-thought-out strategy to intensify the relationship might come across as a little needy, odd even.
So try and relax, Paul. You have a sizeable circle of good pals who enjoy your company, as you enjoy theirs. You have a good marriage. You’re not lonely. You should look back on your old ‘bestie’ friendship with fondness and affection, rather than anxiety or resentment. Count your blessings.
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