Dating Experts Share Exactly What To Say After A First Date If You Want A Second
So, you’ve been scouring the dating apps for months with no success of finding anyone who looks remotely worth meeting until now, and... you finally have a date this weekend. Or maybe you met a new person when you went out last Friday and you’re setting up a time to get together this week.
Either way, there’s usually that mundane period where you’re texting for a few days before that initial first meeting, and it’s not exactly easy to keep a conversation flowing between work meetings and doing household chores (real sexy stuff to inspire a sizzling convo).
So, if you've sent a text and haven't recevied an immediate response, there's no need to plunge into panic mode. “It's normal for conversations to ebb and flow, and changes in frequency of conversation is not necessarily a sign that a person is losing interest,” says Dr. Betsy Chung, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “If anything, the healthiest relationships allow for two individuals to be authentic, and to engage in conversation when there's actually something to talk about.”
Meet the Experts:
Dr. Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert based in Newport Beach, California.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and host of The Reimagining Love podcast.
And remember: Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be an expert texter. “Somebody can be wonderful in conversation and not so great on a text thread,” says Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, author, and host of The Reimagining Love podcast. “Because you've just met, you don't have a wealth of shared experience or a lot of depth of history—your own or their own—to pull from.” So, don’t worry if you’re grasping at straws, trying to find something to talk about—just wait to feel their energy in-person on your first date.
Ahead, check out the best tips from experts for keeping a conversation going before a date, on the date, and after the date ('cuz how else will you secure a second?).
So, you’ve met and now you’re texting:
Be curious.
“Each person that we meet comes with a fascinating life story that we can either relate to or be curious about,” Chung says. “People want to feel seen, and by showing curiosity in learning about others' experiences, you achieve two things: 1. Validate their experiences that you can personally relate to. 2. Demonstrate that you appreciate them as individuals.”
Example: If they tell you their parents are divorced, ask an open-ended question about that life experience, such as, “What it was like for you to go through that as a child?,” suggests Chung.
Address important topics.
Don’t be afraid to talk through something they said that might not sit right with you, for instance. “This is a great way to not just keep a conversation going, but allows two people to start to learn more about each other's communication style and preferences,” Chung notes. Plus, it helps you learn about their values and figure out whether they’re a good fit before investing time and energy in them IRL.
Example: If they ask to meet up at your place before your date and you feel uncomfortable, express that to them and ask their perspective on it. Try something like, “I'd rather just meet at [insert public meeting place] instead. Are you cool with that?”
Share things with them.
“Don't be afraid to share memes or random happenings that remind you of the other person,” says Chung. “It's a great way to start a playful banter, which keeps things fun and casual where you don't have to think twice about reaching out to the other person.”
Example: If you see a funny sign while walking home and it reminds you of a conversation you previously had with your new love interest, tell them!
Hop on the phone.
A really easy way to keep up a conversation? By feeding off each other's energy. Set aside a time for a phone call to get to know each other a little better before the date, says Solomon. It’ll be nice to hear their voice, and it takes a bit of the pressure of that first meeting off the table.
Example: Ask them, “What's something really good that happened to you today?” This specific yet open-ended question will garner a better and more detailed response than the typical “How was your day?” text, trust.
If you’re not into texting, keep it brief.
“Shorten up the length of time it takes you to get from text to a date,” says Solomon. “Have that pre-meeting text exchange be focused on making a plan and expressing excitement for the plan.”
Example: Say hey and figure out when and where your date will be, then tell them you're excited to meet up.
Now, you're on a first date and want the convo to flow:
Reference things you've texted about.
“Sometimes, meeting somebody in person after only talking to them via text can be awkward because it's more vulnerable,” says Chung.
Example: If they mentioned a friend's birthday party that they’re excited about or a trip they're looking forward to, ask them about that to bring familiarity into the conversation.
Tell them how you're feeling in the moment.
If you’re nervous about going on the first date, it’s totally cool to admit that—because chances are, they might be feeling the same way. “By being honest about the way you feel, you take the pressure off of yourself to need to be the entertainer.”
Example: If you want, tell them that you’re always anxious to meet up with people IRL, and ask them if they feel the same way, says Chung.
Create an experience together.
“It may be a lot to expect for two people who have never met to sit at a table for two hours and create conversation,” Solomon says. Instead, make that first date a blend of talking and doing something else.
Example: You could play mini golf or go bowling and make a bet that the loser buys drinks afterwards. That way, you can even keep the conversation going with playful, good-natured trash talk.
After the first date, you'll want to...
Be honest about the date and your intentions to meet again.
“Let them know how the date felt, and what you'd like to do on a future date,” says Chung. “Planning another date in and of itself can be a topic of conversation that allows two people to get a feel for how each other operates in interpersonal relationships.”
Example: If you enjoyed the date and want to see them again, just tell them. Text something like, “I had a great time the other night. Are you free to hang out again next week?”
Be authentic.
If you feel like they’re distancing themselves, ask about it. “Let them know your intentions, and find out about their's,” she says. “If there IS interest from the other person, it could be a great opportunity to talk about how each person gives and receives affection.”
Example: You could say something like, “Since our date, I've sensed a change in our interactions, am I reading that correctly?”
Build off of the first date if you get a second one.
“To come away from a first date, wanting a second date is such a victory, and and I want people of every gender and sexual orientation to feel really able to express that,” says Solomon.
Example: If you watched a football game at a bar for the first date, you could suggest attending a sporting event IRL together on the second date.
Ask for clarity, if necessary.
If you don’t know how they feel, make sure to communicate, Solomon says. “I want women to know that asking for clarity is not controlling,” she adds. “It's asking for feedback.”
Example: If you're confused about their intentions with you, tell them, and ask how they're feeling.
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