I'm a dad to 2 trans daughters. Here's what I want people to know.

For several years, I was the father of two boys. Or so I thought. First my youngest, then 16, came out as trans. Then my oldest, at the age of 20, also came out as trans. I am VERY popular at cocktail parties.

Here's how it happened:

In 2021, my youngest was at camp, and we got a call from them saying "your daughter wants to move into a girls bunk." As far as we knew, we had a boy. After a tearful phone call, she agreed to stay in the boys bunk because the camp couldn't make the switch mid-stream. (They were actually great about it but it was too much to ask for them to do it mid-session.) When she came home, she began living as a girl.

One day in 2022 my oldest simply announced, "I'm trans." I honestly don't remember the exact day because it was just another thing that happened. At this point we were used to it. It only became an issue when she wanted to go on hormones. She was 21 at the time and thought she needed our permission. We gently informed her that she didn't.

My youngest, on the other hand, also wanted hormones and we just weren't ready. We settled on puberty blockers, which are reversible in a way that hormones are not. Eventually, through family therapy, we came around to her way of thinking.

Family therapy was crucial in terms of helping us understand what our child was going through. Being trans is complicated and often means complex medical treatment. A good therapist, which we have, can guide parents through the process of accepting who their child is.

This wasn't the first coming out for either child. Our youngest had come out as a demisexual gray ace (only attracted to people in very specific circumstances), and then as gender non-binary (not identifying as strictly male or strictly female). The older child had come out as gay and then bi. (Still is; one is a sexual preference and the other is a gender identity.) Trans, though, is much more controversial.

There are attempts to legislate transgender people into non-existence. Consider this sentence: "U.S. Catholic bishops have rejected the concept of gender transition." Both of my children are in the process of transitioning. It's happening, folks. But these bishops don't believe in my children's right to exist.

It wasn't this bad when they were different letters on the LGBTQ spectrum. When I told people I had a gay son, they were universally positive. But everyone has an opinion on trans folks. I've heard everything from "are they sure?" to "if you let them take hormones you're a bad parent." I'm sorry, I didn't ask.

I don't do confrontation, but I still get mad. How dare you suggest that my children are something other than sincere?

There is an impulse to shelter your children, to not let them out of your sight, and this is especially true now that they're trans. My youngest was confronted for using the women's restroom at school. I wanted the kid's name; my daughter said these things happen and that I needed to let it go. This wasn't like when she was bullied in third grade. She's almost a grown-up and I have to allow her to live her life.

Accepting a new gender identity is not as easy as I'm making it sound. Hormones are considered safe but the science is fairly new. With my oldest, the decision was out of our hands. With my youngest, we had to give permission. My wife and I struggled with it. Are we doing the right thing? What if she wants children later in life?

When my youngest started with puberty blockers — because she was still going through puberty and these are recommended because they block the production of testosterone — we were told that there was no need to bank sperm because it would be fine to do it later. Turns out the doctor was incorrect; going on blockers reduces the amount of testosterone so much that the sperm is essentially useless for reproduction. So when we wanted to bank sperm before starting hormones, it was too late. (We have since switched doctors.)

This was upsetting but we had to accept it. So much of having trans kids is about accepting change — like different names (that took about six months and we still get it wrong sometimes), different pronouns (for some reason this was easier than the names), different clothes (my oldest is only just starting to wear women's clothes, whereas my youngest did it from the beginning) and different attitudes toward dating (both have dated trans men and non-binary people, and my oldest has also dated trans women).

To my great relief, other family members have been very accepting as well. There are still missteps on names and pronouns, but each of the kids' grandparents has been great. There are, of course, questions, but that's understandable considering this wasn't common in their day. Hell, it wasn't common in mine, and I'm 30 years younger. I can't really answer most of the questions, but the kids have been very patient.

People REALLY want to know how I feel about all this. Do I miss having boys? It's not like they were playing video games and now they're not; they're still playing video games. My youngest never cared about sports, my oldest will still watch football with me. I do miss who they were, because they're different now. But that's true of all children as they age. I miss playing Lego but I don't pine for those days. No matter what, they're still my children and I love them just as much.

You love your children as they are, not as they were or as society says they should be. Of course I worry about them, but I would worry about them no matter what. My advice to anyone with trans kids? Embrace it. It's a roller coaster, but so is parenting straight kids. And you'll have so much to talk about at cocktail parties.

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