Chicken Cacciatore perfect weapon for culinary carnage
There are a few things my steady diet of movies and television has taught me:
1. True love is almost always right in front of you, usually with someone you don't necessarily notice at first, but then later see when she's not wearing her glasses or he's mowing the lawn without his shirt.
2. Never say things like "I'll be right back" or "We should split up" or "What's the worst that could happen? A knife to the face?" because that's a surefire way to end up getting unscheduled rhinoplasty with a butcher's knife.
3. Arguments, both real and playful, are best solved with food fights of varying intensity.
Yet, despite these tropes popping up repeatedly in movies since "L'Arrivée d'un train en gare de La Ciotat," I have yet to experience an honest-to-goodness food fight. (The other two, however, have happened to me repeatedly. How do you think I got these stylish holes in my face?)
And, yes, I've tried yelling "FOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIGHT!" at the top of my lungs in various situations — inside of school cafeterias … during formal banquets to raise funds for various charitable causes … in the middle of ICU waiting rooms. Nothing takes. Not a single person jumps atop a table and launches a volley of sweet potato casserole at the old lady with a walker just trying to enjoy her meatloaf sandwich before her lunch break ends and she's forced to return to her job at the cracker factory.
But if my dream of a meal-based melee ever WERE to come true, I think today's recipe for Chicken Cacciatore with Tomato and Onion would make a fine weapon of choice. First, it's easy to make, so you won't feel bad wasting it. Second, whatever chicken bit you select (the recipe calls for thighs, but I used breasts) will have enough heft to really fly, and the sauce in which it cooks will undoubtedly splatter in a satisfying way, reminiscent of exploding squibs in 80s action movies. Plus, there are enough thinly sliced vegetables — onions and peppers — that a well-aimed shot to the face is bound to leave some bits dangling from your victim's nose. That's comedic gold.
My recommendation: Haul a pot of this stuff everywhere you go. That way, when you eventually do find yourself smack-dab in the middle of some culinary carnage, you'll be prepared. Hey, it's bound to happen eventually. "Animal House" wouldn't lie to us.
CHICKEN CACCIATORE WITH TOMATO AND ONION
1 medium onion, thinly sliced
1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 green bell pepper, thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, sliced
1/4 cup white wine
1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes
2 sprigs fresh thyme, stems removed
1 bay leaf
8 boneless, skinless chicken thighs (I used breasts to cut back on the calories, and the dish turned out fine)
Salt and pepper, to taste (Hint: Lots of salt)
Fresh parsley, for garnish
Add the onion, red and green peppers, garlic, wine, tomatoes, thyme and bay leaf to your handy, dandy slow cooker.
Season the chicken with salt and pepper. Transfer the chicken to the slow cooker. Cover and cook on high for 4 hours or on low for 8 hours.
Remove the bay leaf and serve garnished with fresh parsley.
Eat it.
(Adapted from Drew Maresco's "3-Step Slow Cooker Cookbook," Page Street Publishing, 2019)