How to Bounce Back From Failure, According to Experts
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Some people seem to have this impressive ability to shake off setbacks and stay positive. I am not one of those people. No matter how many inspirational quotes about resilience and perseverance I read on my feed, I can’t help but dwell on my disappointment and spiral into a vortex of negative self-talk.
If you've been stuck in that cycle too, know that you’re in good company. Even the most self-assured among us can feel defeated and hopeless after not getting a dream job, for example, or being ghosted by a Tinder date (again). But the key difference between people who can bounce back from failure and those who fall apart isn’t how many times they’ve stumbled, Jenny Wang, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Houston, tells SELF. Rather, it’s all about how they view those setbacks.
“Pretty much everyone is going to experience failure,” Dr. Wang says. But when things go wrong (as they inevitably will), you basically have two choices: let the experience defeat you, or use it as fuel to come back even stronger. Of course, the second option is easier said than done, so we asked experts for a few realistic (and non-cheesy) ways to move forward after failing at something—and stop letting your disappointments define you.
1. Distract yourself with a mini accomplishment you know you can nail.
If you bombed an important exam, you might spend the rest of the day ruminating on how you “always mess up.” Or if you didn’t get a promotion this year, how could you not feel completely and utterly incompetent?
When the sting is fresh, it’s easy to get stuck in an all-consuming shame spiral—which is why it’s important to break that cycle as soon as you can. One quick way to do this is by “distracting yourself with simple tasks that make you feel like you’re accomplishing something,” Tracy Hutchinson, PhD, a Naples-based therapist and faculty member at the College of William and Mary’s clinical mental health counseling program, tells SELF. That might look like doing the dishes, going for a quick jog, or sorting through unread emails piling up in your inbox.
While these things may not sound particularly impressive, Dr. Hutchinson points out that keeping yourself occupied with manageable mini projects can make you feel more productive and capable. Not to mention, just taking a few minutes to shift your focus away from critical thoughts can get you out of your head. And once you’ve calmed down, you can revisit what went wrong—and how you can improve—with a more rational and compassionate perspective.
2. Reflect on your past wins—no matter how big or small.
The next time you’re fixating on what you couldn’t or didn’t do, make an effort to remind yourself of everything you are (or were) capable of achieving.
Some people get a confidence boost from reciting positive affirmations (about how loved, strong, and successful they are, say). But there are plenty of other strategies to quiet the mean voice in your head and hype yourself up if mantras aren’t your thing. One exercise Dr. Wang suggests: Writing a list of your accomplishments—like finishing your first-ever 5K race, nailing a new recipe that your friends loved, or any other “evidence” that proves you’re more than enough.
Then, revisit these wins whenever you’re fixating on your shortcomings and need a pick-me-up. A quick skim might refresh your memory of the time you made it to the second-round interview for a prestigious job, which was pretty damn impressive. Or the moment you finally learned to play that Taylor Swift song on the guitar without missing a note after months and months of practice.
“These can be small victories or bigger ones,” Dr. Hutchinson says. What really matters is remembering that you have faced challenges and come out on top before—and you can absolutely do it again.
3. Cut yourself some slack.
Especially if you’re a perfectionist or high achiever, your instinct might be to beat yourself up and slip into the blame game. Maybe you’re replaying the moment you got dumped over and over, or dwelling on how you could’ve and should’ve prepared better for an important presentation that ended up going poorly.
However, being your own worst critic won’t change what happened or “motivate” you to do better next time, both therapists agree. Instead, it’s more likely to have the opposite effect, leaving you even more discouraged, stuck, and insecure.
So a more productive (and kinder) way to regain your footing is to simply forgive yourself, which can help you let go of any shame and disappointment that’s keeping you stuck, Dr. Hutchinson explains. This process can look different for everyone: For some people, it may involve accepting that the “failure” happened because of circumstances beyond their control—not because there’s something wrong with them as a person. Others may need to release the impossibly high expectations they’ve set for themselves and embrace being “good enough” instead of absolutely perfect. (And if you’re looking for more advice on self-forgiveness, we’ll leave you with this helpful list of tips.)
4. Experiment with “micro failures,” which can help you see that messing up isn’t the end of the world.
Let’s be honest—nobody enjoys failing. That said, you can learn to at least tolerate it, and getting used to messing up in low-stakes situations can make it easier to deal with your most demoralizing moments (and the tough emotions, like shame and anxiety, that come with them).
It may sound daunting, but this concept is based on a legit, science-backed approach called exposure therapy, which is supposed to “to push you out of your comfort zone just enough, so you can practice tolerating the discomfort of not doing something perfectly or successfully,” Dr. Wang says.
If you want to give this tactic a shot, consider trying a sport you’re not particularly good at—like tennis, perhaps. Or if you’ve never baked a day in your life, challenge yourself to make a few desserts from scratch. The idea: As you miss ball after ball or end up with underdone cookies and way-too-salty muffins, you’ll experience failure in small doses and realize it really isn’t that bad—it’s just part of the learning process, which brings us to our last pointer….
5. Remove the word failure from your vocabulary altogether.
Constantly viewing your experiences as “failures” will only hold you back and discourage you from trying new things—which is why both therapists recommend reframing these moments as neutral life lessons instead.
Of course, adopting this mindset and thinking on the “bright side” won’t happen overnight. But once you’re able to accept what went wrong (the above tips should help with that), you can start making progress by asking yourself a few constructive, future-focused questions like, “Okay, what did I learn from this?” and “Is there anything I could have done differently?” According to Dr. Wang, zeroing in on what you can do next will make it easier to shake off feelings of defeat and helplessness, and empower you with a sense of control and optimism.
To give you a couple of examples: Maybe after dropping out of a five-mile race you (so incorrectly) thought would be a breeze, you realize how important it is to have a structured training plan. Or if you completely blanked when a recruiter asked you about a technical skill during a big job interview, at least you now know what to expect so you’ll be more prepared for the next one.
By approaching challenges with curiosity and consistently looking for lessons and solutions, you’ll start to see that failure isn’t something you should fear; it’s something you can learn and grow from. And that’s the essence of resilience: Again, “it’s not about avoiding failure altogether,” Dr. Wang explains. “It’s about recognizing that setbacks happen—and they aren’t reflections of your worth.”
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Originally Appeared on Self
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