Blair St. Clair Used Drag to Heal After Assault
In the latest episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, Indiana-born queen Blair St. Clair opened up about being a survivor of sexual assault. She was critiqued for being "too sweet," and she said that her sweetness comes from a desire to heal from dark experiences. "My first sexual experience - I was raped at a college party, and from that I’ve looked to find pretty things. It’s something I need to get over, but I’ve tried to turn positive the best I can," she said to the judges.
After this brave and vulnerable revelation, Blair has spent even more time outside of the show talking about sexual assault and how it impacts the LGBTQ community. She spoke to Here about how she channeled her emotions into the art of drag.
Here: How did you feel watching the episode back?
Blair St. Clair: Going into the elimination, I was really nervous with watching that on TV, re-experiencing the emotions and watching myself go through it again. But all I've experienced is so much love in reception. It's been so beautiful to see such an experience of negativity and pain for me that was broadcast so openly to be received and turned into such beauty.
H: Watching the episode back, is there anything you have said differently? Do you feel like the episode fully portrayed your story?
B: I have to credit World of Wonder and RuPaul's Drag Race - I think they told my story absolutely beautifully and kept it so true to who I am and what I said. Something that they kept in that I thought was so perfect was in the Untucked, I said, "I'm just really proud of myself, because in this competition I was so truthfully Blair St. Clair this whole time and I never had to check myself or compromise my morals." And I think it was really important that they kept that in there because that was really what I did - I might not have won the crown, but I won the competition by growing into a stronger, more resilient person.
H: Had you told anyone about the assault before talking about it on the show?
B: I have always felt that our society has deemed femininity as "less powerful" and "less important" compared to other individuals that are more masculine, particularly in gay culture. I've seen my femininity as a weakness before, and as something that has kind of controlled my life. And Drag Race has inspired me because it's been something that's shown femininity and drag and female illusion as something that's so empowering and so brave... I've been able to use drag a little bit as a coping mechanism for my assault to make me feel like I was never weak or less than.
I had never told anyone [about the assault] - I had never talked to my parents, I had never recorded anything - because I felt so ashamed and so guilty. I felt like I was responsible for what happened, even though I most definitely was not responsible. But I felt like it was my fault for not reaching out or talking to people about it, because I was so frightened and scared and felt so weak and vulnerable. I also couldn't be completely honest with myself that it had happened to me. I felt really guilty.
H: Do you wish that there was more awareness around sexual assault in the queer community? What advice would you have for other LGBTQ people facing this?
B: Sexual assault, no matter what the experience is, can happen to anyone. I spent so much time dwelling on feeling so dirty, guilty, and unloved. I started to be so angry, and that anger turned into fear. I started to feel a lot of self-doubt. And what I didn't realize as that was all happening is that I was pushing so much into my drag of trying to create so much beauty to cover it all up. I was really trying to wipe it all away.
Now what I've learned is I actually have the power to turn so much pain in my life into something so beautiful. No matter what platform I'm on, even if nobody knows who Blair St. Clair is, I have the power to do that for myself. I can take a negative situation and not allow if to affect who I am and my self-worth, but instead use it to make myself stronger, kinder, more resilient, and more loving. And in turn, I can spread more love and kindness and positivity into the world today.
H: That's such a resonant theme throughout the drag community, too-taking the negativity that queer people face and turning into an empowering performance. Where was Blair St. Clair in the process of your healing, and how did you use drag as an outlet?
B: I started doing drag because I was cast in a musical to play a drag queen, because I'm a musical theater baby, and I realized I loved it. I was in school for hair and makeup at the time, and I was perfectly set up with all of the skills to be a drag queen. So Blair had not really been born yet, but was on the cusp of being born when the sexual assault happened.
All of these things happened to me as a person in my boy life - they happened to Drew - and once they happened, I was seeking so much self-love and confirmation that it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. And I created a character that could kind of offer this therapy for me. So Blair came to light without purposefully knowing what I was doing, but now I know I was creating a therapeutic image for myself.
H: Overall, how was your experience on Drag Race?
B: I am very, very proud of everything I did in RuPaul's Drag Race. I wouldn't change anything. I have learned so much about myself that has allowed my drag character to be so strong today. I credit RuPaul so much for this growth - I am so grateful to him. So many queens have said "Drag Race has changed my life," and I didn't know what that meant until now. RuPaul's Drag Race changed my life because I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be emotional, and I now have more of a voice because Drag Race showed me all of the things that life has to offer.
H: What's next for you and your drag?
B: This is not the end of Blair St. Clair. I thought for a long time that Drag Race was "it" for me, and if I didn't win, I would go home with a sense of failure and it'd all be over. But what actually happened is that the real race started the day I came home from filming. Now, I can take everything that I learned from the show, and perform outside of it, and this is really just the beginning of Blair St. Clair. I released a new song, called Now or Never, and I'm so passionate about it because it symbolizes living life in a hazy, unhappy lifestyle, and dreaming in color and finally making a choice and taking flight into actually making dreams into reality. The media response has been so strong with how people have connected to it, so I want to keep working more on my music and developing Blair St. Clair.
Listen to Blair St. Clair's new single below.
If you or someone you know is looking for resources after being sexually assaulted, please visit the Anti-Violence Project or call their hotline at 212-714-1141. Read more about what to do if you've been sexually assaulted here.
Follow Here on Facebook and Instagram.
You Might Also Like
