The Biggest Mistake I Made When Finding Mom Friends
Thinking back to the birth of my son (who is now a full-fledged first grader), I remember how much I wanted to make new mom friends. I joined local Facebook groups; signed up for mommy and me classes; heck, I even remember organizing a dinner with some of my new acquaintances when we were all a zillion months pregnant. Impressive, I know.
All this is to say that new friendships were brewing, but then I made this mistake: I didn’t maintain them. In fact, when I returned to work just three months later, I quickly fell back into old relationship routines, prioritizing tried-and-true friendships over new ones. (Let’s face it, it’s a lot easier to spontaneously meet up with a pal of seven years than to endlessly swap dates with a new acquaintance.)
A quick disclaimer: There are a lot of variables working against moms when a new baby enters the scene. (Hello, the friendship dip.) Still, based on my experience, a new baby is a golden opportunity for a reset, an easy jumping off point for new friendships where a shared experience and vulnerability combine. And so, with a second baby on the horizon, I’m asking myself, how do I get it right this time?
I reached out to one of my favorite friendship experts, Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, to talk it through. Her first piece of advice? Chill.
“When women are like, ‘I’m going to make friends, I need to make new friends,’ they’re automatically putting an added pressure on themselves that is prioritizing friendship over connection,” Jackson explains. “Friendship isn’t something you can speed along. The time crunch on our lives is real, but I’ve noticed women beating themselves up if they can’t turn a new connection into a friendship immediately.”
Jackson also notes that one of the biggest obstacles working against modern friendship is that often times, women are secretly auditioning people instead of just really being present.
“Ask yourself, ‘How can I prioritize one meaningful interaction a day?’” Jackson suggests. “Sometimes this is with existing people, sometimes it’s with new people, but developing new friendships is often a byproduct of that approach.” She gives the example of making an effort to linger and talk for two more extended minutes to the mom friend you see at drop-off every day.
Now, the tough part—and what I botched the first time around: The follow-through. If a new friendship is moving along—let’s say, we’ve got a new baby in common and a shared interest or two beyond that—how do you make it a lasting connection?
“This isn’t meant to be discouraging, but the research shows that it takes 34 hours to move somebody from an acquaintance to a friend,” Jackson says. “This is where moms are like, ‘Girl, where am I going to get an additional 30 hours? We have to be besties immediately for this to work.’” But Jackson says this isn’t the moment to succumb to the calendar dance—often one of the biggest obstacles against friendship—and instead think of ways to set interactions to autopilot.
“It’s frustrating and too much mental labor to be like, ‘Oh, can you do Saturday, September 24?’ We’re not doing that,” Jackson says. “If a new friendship is developing, it could be as simple as: ‘Hey, can you FaceTime every Friday for 10 minutes?’ or ‘Hey, do you want to walk every Tuesday evening with the kids in the stroller?’ And if you’re pressed for time—which, as a new mom, you absolutely will be—there are other ways to connect: Maybe you’re both into Love Is Blind. Offer, ‘OMG, the new season is coming back and I need someone to talk to about it. Should we set up a text chain?’” (Jackson is also a huge fan of swapping voice notes back and forth.)
Yes, nurturing new friendships is best done in person and takes time, but removing some of the obstacles and accepting a slow burn is OK, too.
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