Better Sex With Dr. Lexx: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Polyamory & Poly Relationship Styles
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Polyamory. It’s become a huge buzzword in relationship conversations. Take ‘Poly’ meaning many and ‘amory’ meaning love — it refers to a person having “many loves,” typically regarding romantic and/or sexual love. Also called Consensual non monogamy (CNM), polyamory is gaining more popularity in attention and practice. Most people are familiar with the idea of polygamy, where there is more than one spouse. Television shows like Sister Wives have given us modern day representations of polygamy and television is just starting to show polyamory — where all partners are able to date others.
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More and more, lovers are attempting to expand their romantic relationships to include others. Television stations are adding various shows that include couples searching for partners and polyamory is in the spotlight. From television shows to the tall tales of the couple in the neighborhood you hear about, there are so many misnomers about polyamory. Coming off love month, let’s talk about the various ways love can be amplified in these dynamics.
CNM has many variations in practice and configuration. A group of people involved in polyamory are called a polycule. People within a polycule may or may not be romantically or sexually involved with one another. No matter the type of CNM practiced, polyamorous relationships can be built in several ways.
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Here are some ways CNM takes place:
A ‘V’ (Vee)
A relationship where one person is dating two people, but those people are not romantically or sexually involved with one another.
Throuple
A relationship where three people in a relationship who are all involved with one another in romantic and sexual ways.
Quad
Four people in a relationship who sexually or romantically connected to one another.
Relationship Anarchist
A person who does not define relationships person-to-person. They may not differentiate a person as a spouse or friend — instead they allow relationships to develop on their own. Relationship anarchist are not specifically polyamorous.
Swingers
Purely for sexual enjoyment, there is typically no romantic relationship between the participants outside of the couples who participate in sexual interactions.
Solo Polyamory
Where a person prioritizes their relationship with self rather than obligation to partners. They are in relationships, but their primary is care if for themself.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
In this CNM style, everyone knows one another and has the option to spend time together across relationships even though there is no specific sexual or romantic involvement.
Parallel Polyamory
Where partnerships are kept separate, and lovers have no interest in others outside of their partner specifically. The opposite of kitchen sink polyamory.
Mono Polyamory
One person is monogamous, while the other is polyamorous so consensually a one member of the relationship might date and explore outside romantic or sexual relationships.
Non-Hierarchical
There is equality in all relationship importance with no relationship or person being prioritized over another.
Hierarchical CNM
One partner is put above all others. This may be practiced when a couple who was monogamous decides to become polyamorous, or for lovers who decide that they want to prioritize one partner over all others.
Some Issues That Come Up in CNM & Poly Relationships
CNM provides many alternatives to monogamy and may not be a fit for everyone. CNM has a reputation for being the go-to when a person is a serial cheater, wants a lot of sexual partners, and/or has a hard time feeling satisfaction with one partner. CNM is not a key to saving a relationship that is already flailing and failing. Instead, CNM requires straightforward honesty, respect, vulnerability, and transparency. Even those who naturally feel inclined to CNM find themselves wrestling with jealousy.
One of the keys to successful CNM however, is compersion. Compersion is when a person feels joy for another person’s joy. People who practice CNM regularly state that they feel actual joy, excitement, pride, and general positive feelings for their lovers when they find a person to further amplify pleasure in life.
Now that you know more about consensual non-monogamy, I want to reiterate that non-monogamy needs to be consensual. Without consent, it’s infidelity. Without agreements in place, it’s a betrayal. All involved must consent to the behaviors that take place, no matter what they are. This means that sexual behaviors, relationship building, pairing, dates, time spent, family meetings, etc., are all considered and shared with consent and each person within the polyamorous dynamic must be in communication with at least one other person to regularly communicate mutually agreed upon information. Examples of this type of communication might be discussion about vacations, status of use of barrier methods and birth control, knowledge of a person being polyamorous in public or only in private, and parenting preferences/styles. No matter what type of CNM is being explored and practice always keep it consensual, safe, and open for communication.
Dr. Lexx’s Recs for Further Reading
If you want to learn more about Polyamory, here is a list of books that can also you understand more: Love’s Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities by Kevin Patterson, More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, and Building Open Relationships: Your Hands on Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond! by Liz Powell.
Before you go, check out the types of orgasms you didn’t know you could have:
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