The Apprentice, episode 3: are these the dreariest candidates yet?
It was rise of the robots week on The Apprentice. Contestants were tasked with flogging cutesy androids and Lord Sugar finally had an excuse to deliver the rusty zinger, "I want to make it perfectly clear that I’m the Terminator". He’s presumably waited years to utter that line – so at least someone enjoyed the episode.
The candidates, by contrast, had another circuit-frying day at the office. Team Vitality shifted shedloads of kid-friendly balancing 'bots. But their failure to unload any of the higher-priced interactive droids – a key aspect of the challenge – handed victory to a mildly less shambolic (if much harder to pronounce) Team Graphene. From there, it all malfunctioned badly for barrister Elliot, whose failure to meaningfully contribute to the task was compounded by screaming lack of charisma.
"You're not up my alley… not my potential business partner," said Sugar – presumably fighting hard against the temptation to whisper "Hasta La Vista, Elly – and it was off to the figurative trash compactor for the unlucky lawyer.
Bad blood has reached boiling point
Daggers were out before tea-time as assertive wedding company owner Siobhan faced off against the "two Sarahs", as we’ve dubbed them on the basis they are both named Sarah. Tetchy back-and-forths in the car were followed by an old-school shouting match after Siobhan failed to sell any of their flying fish toys to a nerdy robotics workshop.
"It’s all gone off in the most horrific way," noted Karren Brady. Lord Sugar's representative on the ground was shadowing Graphene and couldn't quite believe how badly they were all getting on (when even Karren Brady is appalled by the tough talk you know you've arrived at a dark place). Clothing company owner Sarah Jayne Clark – not to be confused with confectionery company owner Sarah Lynn – had her own perspective to share. Any more grousing from Siobhan and Sarah – both of them even – might well "spontaneously combust". Not ideal when negotiating rush-hour in an expensive people carrier.
Disappointingly, other potential conflicts failed to erupt into the anticipated fireworks. Anisa was mildly miffed at worst as Jade wrested the project manager job from her – and only baseline perturbed when the team shot down her proposal to name their prototype robot "FLERN" (for "fun, learning and education" – as if you needed to ask).
Has the Apprentice given up on original tasks?
How appropriate an episode about robot retail should feel put together on auto-pilot. A pre-sunrise summons saw the teams dash to the traditional random fancy location – in this specific case London's Design Museum – where they were just in time to witness Lord Sugar descend from on high (ie walk down a flight of stairs).
To this Apprentice cliché was added another as the hopefuls were required to apply the finishing touches to a prototype personal assistant robot and select another, more child friendly model, to sell on the side. Yet another pile-'em high, sell 'em for the highest profit task. Had the production team’s batteries packed in half way through a crucial planning meeting?
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Elliot deserved to go
The Apprentice may style itself a celebration of hard-nosed business acumen. But it's also a reality show, where personality counts for everything. This week's unfortunate candidate Elliot didn’t commit any cataclysmic mistakes. Indeed blame for Vitality's key error of changing the name of their robot prototype from Jeffrii (with two ‘i’s) to the even clunkier SiiMON – without bothering to tell Jeffrii's programmers – lay with team leader Michaela.
A typo-laden, half-completed promotional billboard was her fault too. Yet she redeemed herself with a storming sales performance – whereas Elliot just flopped about in self pity. His jib was not of a likeable cut – and so Sugar's televisual termination became inevitable. It's okay to be ineffective on The Apprentice provided you cause a splash. Elliot managed neither and off he went.
Are these the dreariest candidates yet?
With last week's tragic departure of body-popper Jeff – "I have a background in break-dancing – you have to be creative to do break-dancing," was straight into the top five greatest Apprentice quotes ever – the season is short on love to hate characters and accidental comic relief.
Siobhan would admittedly start a fight with her reflection in a smartphone but otherwise, the crew have clearly watched far too many episodes of the Apprentice and are super careful not to make idiots of themselves. Without idiots, what’s the point of the Apprentice?
Even Lord Sugar is starting to look bored
No matter how predictable the tasks, fun was traditionally to be had watching Lord Sugar stomp all over the contestants in the boardroom while dispatching a groaner or three. Now even he appears to be going somewhat through the motions.
This week, apart from that Terminator line, he failed to deliver a decent put-downs. Moreover, with Elliot in his sights, he obviously had no intention of firing either Michaela or third for-the-chop candidate Harrison (the ineffective deputy team lead tasked with programming Jeffrii/SiiMON).
Lord Sugar's associates were, for their part, hardly noticeable. Karren was almost biffed on the bonce by one Graphene's fish drones – yet was otherwise stonkingly anonymous. And was Claude even in the episode? Oh for the halcyon days of cutaways to Nick Hewer appearing nonplussed for no obvious reason.
Ageism didn’t do Team Vitality any favours
James's not-entirely-terrible idea of a personal assistant for the over-sixties was scuppered by the team's assumption that the elderly are uniformly bed-bound and obliged to pop a dozen pills simply to make it down stairs.
As Lord Sugar pointed out, many in that age category are more likely to want to book a villa in Spain than receive a reminder that it’s time for their heart medication. Vitality's failure to flog any units – a disastrous presentation saw Jeffrii work through his minuscule repertoire of yoga poses – meant they were doomed anyway. But a dismissive view of older people can't have endeared them to Sugar.
Were was all the bragging?
In addition to the grievous lack of over-the-top personalities, this year is worryingly short on the traditional Apprentice brag-fests. Everyone knuckled down working on Jeffrii and E.bot, the educational rival offering from Graphene, and then did the rounds begging for distribution from department stores and high street retailers.
Never mind the robot uprising– was this the terrifying moment Apprentice contestants achieved self-awareness and stop banging on about how they’re going to conquer the world?
The boys don’t have it
Not even parachuting-in actually-quite-competent Michaela could turn things around for testosterone-heaving Team Vitality (Lord Sugar reckoned she'd put manners on the lads on account of having four brothers). They stumbled to a third straight loss – having failed to sell even one of their high price pensioner bots (whereas the girls squeezed some pity-sales out of Maplins).
In the boardroom you wondered if Lord Sugar wasn’t going to fire the lot then and there. It would have introduced a spark of spontaneity to an episode otherwise unwilling to deviate from its programming.