'I am not comfortable sexting,' 'One glass of wine is my limit.' How to set relationship boundaries.
There are many incorrect assumptions about love, dating and "ideal" partners. The most common one seems to be that if you are in love with the "right" person, you don’t need boundaries.
Boundaries are often seen as something we need to set with annoying coworkers, internet trolls or overbearing family members. They are often perceived as a tool used to create necessary distance and space.
But boundaries are also an important part of nurturing vulnerability, intimacy and safety in a relationship. Love doesn’t make boundaries obsolete. On the contrary, boundaries allow our relationships to foster closeness and understanding while honoring the individuals involved.
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There are six type of boundaries – physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, material and temporal (or time-related) – each of which is important for any relationship. Boundaries are not something we should wait to set until we are committed; we should set them as we get to know someone.
Depending on how they have been modeled (or not modeled) to us, boundaries can feel scary; we may see them as a threat to the relationship. What if setting boundaries pushes the person we're interested in away? And yet, not setting a boundary can be a threat to our relationships with ourselves and our satisfaction in our relationships with others.
Some may fear they don't know where to begin the boundary-setting process. Below are some examples of how to phrase dating boundaries.
Relationship boundaries can sound like…
I am not ready to commit.
One glass of wine is my limit.
I am not comfortable with sexting.
I am not ready to tell you about my family.
It’s important for me to designate time for my friends.
I am not ready for physical intimacy.
I am busy tonight, but I am free tomorrow!
I don’t text while I’m at work.
I don’t feel comfortable with PDA, please stop.
I need us to talk about STD testing and contraception before we have sex.
I am not OK with you talking about our sex life in front of others.
I am not ready to meet your parents.
If you make degrading comments about my body, I will no longer want to be in this relationship.
I won’t have sex if you’re really drunk; it makes me feel unsafe.
I don’t feel comfortable with you looking through my phone without my permission.
Let me get back to you, I need some time to think.
I am looking for a monogamous relationship. I am not interested in anything else right now.
The sooner we set boundaries the better. It can be harder to change boundaries once the relationship dynamic has already been established.
Here are some important things to remember when setting boundaries:
You may have to articulate your boundary more than once.
You have to hold people accountable.
Boundary-setting with others often starts with setting boundaries for yourself.
People will often only take your boundaries as seriously as you take them.
Boundaries may change over time.
In order to set a boundary, we must clearly communicate it.
Be ready to respect other people’s boundaries if you expect them to respect yours.
Resistance to your boundaries doesn’t mean they are unreasonable or wrong.
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I often hear things like, "If they loved me, they would know what I want and need." But we need to stop assuming people will know our boundaries – and start setting some.
Boundaries should reflect who we are and our context. Boundaries are not about setting ultimatums, gaining control or offering passive suggestions. Boundaries are about being clear about our needs, expectations and limits (what we are willing to tolerate or not).
Remember, just like anything else – setting boundaries takes practice!
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship boundaries are critical. How to set them and what to say