Abbey's Road: Feeling the crush of the holidays? It's OK to just say 'no'

Recently I was sitting with a group of fellow figure-skating parents at our family’s second home — the ice rink — and discussing holiday schedules; specifically, how calendars tend to quickly fill up with concerts and special events and extra rehearsals and so forth to the point that sometimes we struggle to come up for air.

As December is the month of the big figure-skating show, we mostly-good-naturedly bemoaned the logistical challenges brought on by increased shuffling of people and claptrap in the next couple weeks; with three children participating, I noted that I’d printed out an auxiliary schedule and hung it on the fridge because, frankly, it was overwhelming my paper calendar. (That I still hang on my kitchen wall. Because I am secretly an octogenarian, or something.)

Of course, we know this is part of our season of life: Playing schedule master, chef and chauffeur — off and on but mostly on — from morning until evening on repeat until graduation or death or somewhere in between.

In truth, I don’t mind this role. It keeps me on my toes and forces me to plan when planning is not in my nature; also it forces me to cook, on occasion, which is not in my nature, either.

But in the middle of our gab session, I was struck by a thought and I said it out loud before I could stop myself:

“Remember how empty our calendars were during COVID?”

Everyone was quiet for a minute because, I suppose, we’ve gotten to the point where COVID is an inconvenient thing you catch and miss work for several days; not a thing that plunges us into state-mandated isolation.

It was a sobering thought, to go back in time to that place.

Just under four years ago, we were canceling all the activities.

There were no sports. No choir concerts. No band rehearsals. No family gatherings.

We canceled coffee dates with our friends and didn’t hug grandparents at birthday parties and hoarded toilet paper because…well, I still haven’t figured that one out.

Four years ago our calendars were blank white squares and we filled our days with attempts at sourdough bread and Zoom calls in pajama pants.

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Four years ago our schedules were empty and, after the novelty wore off, that was hard.

Now they are full again, and that’s hard, too.

I don’t miss much about the early lockdown days, but sometimes I wish I could return to the slowness — just for a day or two.

So how do we find the balance?

When I was in grade school there was a slogan that was supposed to keep us away from drugs and other bad-news stuff: “Just Say No.”

I imagine most would say that’s easier said than done, but I can appreciate the heart behind it. And here is the truth: “Just say no” could be one of the simplest, most accessible tools in your arsenal this season if you need some breathing room in your holiday.

Absolutely go to your kids’ concerts; yes, uphold your commitments.

But be willing to prioritize and, when necessary, remember that you can Just Say No.

You don’t need to be at every party.

Your kids don’t need to go to every playdate.

You don’t have to buy every present on their list.

You can pass up activities — even fun ones! — if your family needs a night in.

You don’t need to make 20 dozen cookies.

You don’t have to decorate like your Instagram reels.

You can take a break from traditions if they feel more overwhelming than joyful.

You can Just. Say. No.

If you are a person who thrives on the business of the holiday season, that’s great! Enjoy the adrenaline rush and clicking things off your to-do list.

If you look at the weeks ahead and feel like you’re drowning, remember that you don’t have to do it all. There was a season when you did without; it wasn’t ideal, but there were blessings in that, too.

Take a breath if you need to so you can enjoy the season to its fullest.

Even if it means saying no sometimes.

Abbey Roy is a mom of three girls who make every day an adventure. She writes to maintain her sanity. You can probably reach her at [email protected], but responses are structured around bedtimes and weekends.

This article originally appeared on Newark Advocate: Abbey encourages parents to prioritize this holiday