"This Can Delay The Process Of Moving Forward": 7 Impactful Ways You Can Heal From A Friendship Breakup
When a friendship ends, it can feel just as painful, if not more painful, than when we break up with a partner. Yet, sometimes, we've been conditioned by society or loved ones not to grieve a friendship breakup on the same level as a romantic one.
Luckily, this taboo idea is slowly dissipating with the rise of people sharing their personal stories about friendship breakups on social media or other media outlets. But even though there's beginning to be a broader awareness about how friendship breakups can impact us, it seems we're still looking for healthy ways to heal when a friendship ends.
So to have a better understanding of how we can eventually move on from a friendship breakup, we connected with two experts:
The experts: Dr. Allie Sharma, MD, MSc, Co-Founder, and Chief Medical Officer of Being Health.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, a female friendship coach, educator, and owner of Friend Forward.
According to Danielle, the reason why a friendship breakup can sometimes feel so lonesome is because of the advice we receive from others when we openly share our sadness. When people go through a romantic breakup, they usually receive empathic responses and are given the space to grieve. However, with friendship breakups, people are often met with: "Oh, you can find new friends" or "You don't need them, anyway." These phrases can be dismissive and make friends seem easily replaceable, Danielle said.
On the other hand, people can dismiss their own feelings as well by saying, "Oh, well, I'm better off without them," which can make it hard to heal and move on. That's why Dr. Sharma said it's imperative to think of friendship breakups as a form of loss โ and with loss comes grief.
"Itโs so important to allow oneself to feel the emotions of grief, and not avoid feeling them," Dr. Sharma said. "Emotions such as sadness, confusion, betrayal, anger, and helplessness are common. These emotions are healthy, normal, and part of the process of letting go."
This is especially true if you were ghosted by a friend and didn't get the chance to talk to them about why the friendship ended, which seems to be a more common practice as of late.
According to Danielle, ghosting โ or when someone withdraws all forms of communication without warning โ could be happening more frequently because we operate digitally and don't see our friends as often as we used to. "So if I'm spending less time with you in person versus online, it feels easier to withdraw communication because a lot of our communication is now virtual," she explained.
Also, there seems to be a lot more content on the internet that "justifies" ghosting. "We have so many models of ghosting [on social media] and a lot fewer of 'Here's the conversation we had when I had to let her know I didn't want to be a part of this friendship anymore' or 'When there's tension with your friend, here's how we worked through it.'"
However, Danielle doesn't believe ghosting is the right way to end a friendship unless there's a threat or harm at play such as berating or hurting you or blatantly ignoring your requests after you communicated your boundaries multiple times. "I've seen just as many videos talking about, 'Hey, I got ghosted, and to this day, I still don't know why,' and that takes a toll on people," she said.
And since a friendship breakup โ whether by ghosting, naturally drifting apart, or a one-on-one conversation โ can be hard to process and negatively impacts one's mental health, Dr. Sharma suggested reflecting on the friendship so you can eventually come to a place of acceptance and acknowledgment.
Here are some of the questions she suggests asking yourself:
1. How did the friendship end?
2. How did that leave you feeling?
3. What are you feeling now?
4. What did this person mean to you?
5. Could this loss relate to any other deeper psychological themes that are part of your life?
Of course, healing from a friendship breakup will not happen overnight, especially if the grieving process feels confusing or prolonged โ so here are some expert-backed tips on how to heal from a friendship breakup below:
1. Give yourself permission to be upset.
Let's be honest: Losing a friend and possibly feeling rejected sucks โ and denying this truth is simply going to make things worse or harder to navigate.
"If [the friendship breakup] doesn't get processed or talked about, [these feelings] are not going to go anywhere," Danielle said. "So it's vital to permit yourself to be upset about losing one of the most important relationships in your life."
Some of the ways you can do this include not numbing yourself with your phone (it's okay, we've all done it) and talking to a therapist (or a close loved one) about why the friendship breakup makes you so unhappy.
Whatever you decide to do, it's important to remember that anger and sadness are valid emotions you should try not to ignore, but rather try to have a better understanding of. But if you ever feel shame for experiencing them โ which is completely common by the way โ it might be worth exploring why, so you can better navigate life's harder moments.
2. Focus on your emotional health.
Once you begin to accept and acknowledge the pain, Dr. Sharma said itโs good to check in with yourself to notice how you're feeling as time goes on.
If you're unsure of how exactly to check in with yourself, Dr. Sharma said you can ask yourself a few of the below questions:
? What are you feeling each day?
? Do your emotions become more intense at some times and less at others?
? Does it vary from day to day?
? Do you try and push away or avoid what you are feeling?
? What helps make you feel better?
In addition to self-awareness, Dr. Sharma said journaling can be a helpful tool to process your emotional health. If "free-writing" journaling might feel too daunting, you can find dedicated friendship breakup prompts online or use a wellness journal (like from Papier or Therapy Notebooks) to better guide the journaling experience.
3. Check in on your relationship with social media.
If we're being honest, it can be hard to navigate your emotional health if you're constantly being reminded of the friend or of the friendship breakup when you're online. Just like when a romantic relationship ends, it's recommended to either mute the person or take a little social media break to process your feelings in a less triggering environment.
"It's not going to be helpful if you're still checking their stories, trying to decode their subtext, and looking at who they've hung out with," Danielle said. This is because focusing on these new incidents prevents you from healing and forces you to stay in this state of rumination.
However, you also want to be mindful of how and what you post. "I see people who post subliminal messages in the hopes that the other person will see it," said Danielle. While a secret bid for connection can drive the hope of a possible rekindling, especially if they ghosted, Danielle said if you're still communicating, you're still maintaining that tie, which can delay the process of moving forward.
4. Adopt a new hobby.
Luckily, there are a variety of things you can do instead of going on social media during this time. Danielle said this is a perfect time to pick up a hobby you've been meaning to do that maybe you didn't have the time to pursue before. "Not only can it occupy your mind, but you can also learn something new and be put into a space with people who enjoy that shared interest," she explained.
If you're comfortable going out and trying new things, why not sign up for a pottery or dance class? Or you can get this little cute Fujifilm camera, and practice your photography skills outside. However, if you consider yourself an introvert, you can learn a new skill with MasterClass or Skillshare, play cozy Xbox video games such as Stardew Valley and Mineko's Night Market, or even find new friends virtually via Bumble for Friends.
The thing to remember is that it's not just about the emotional loss, but also the loss of routine you had with that friend as well. "A routine can be disrupted depending on how integrated that friend was in your social life," Danielle said. "This might be the person you used to call to vent to or who you would spend your Saturdays with." So since their absence can be a little disorienting, remember to be kind to yourself as you try to reconfigure your new routine.
5. Practice self-care.
While a hobby can be a form of self-care, you also want to make sure you're taking care of your physical and mental health, too. "Think about the basics such as getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and minimizing stress," said Dr. Sharma.
However, if the loss is always on your mind and ruminations have become an issue, Dr. Sharma recommended trying a form of meditative movement to help alleviate chronic negative thought patterns. She suggested yoga, walking, jogging, swimming, or cycling. But if exercise isn't your thing, opt for an extra slow "everything shower" to experience a similar meditative process.
6. Connect with other friends.
Community is key when it comes to navigating friendship grief. While it's absolutely an emotion one can handle by themselves, it can feel easier to navigate when you have a support system behind you.
That's why Dr. Sharma suggested finding a trusted friend who you can talk about the breakup with. "Social connection is paramount to healing and for supporting our mental health," Dr. Sharma said. Some of the ways you can do this are by asking your friend if they have the bandwidth to listen and scheduling a phone call or sending a "vent" voice memo that they can listen to and answer at their earliest convenience. (Of course, check in with your friend first if this form of communication works!)
Remember: Don't dismiss your feelings when discussing the breakup because your emotions are valid. "Stop participating in a dismissive discourse around losing a friend and make sure to refuse to be a part of it," Danielle said. "That's the first step toward normalizing the pain and grief over this kind of separation."
7. Extract a lesson from the friendship.
According to Danielle, the sooner you find something you're grateful about your time together, the sooner you're able to move forward with less bitterness or resentment. Of course, it's not about rushing through this period of your life to finally get over it โ after all, there's nothing wrong with sitting with our feelings every once in a while โ but if you find yourself having trouble moving forward, this might provide a little peace and clarity.
Not sure how to figure out this lesson? No worries โ Dr. Sharma provided these two questions below:
? What is the lesson learned from the friendship and its ending?
? What are you grateful for regarding this person having been in your life?
While there is so much beauty behind creating and building a bond with a friend, it makes complete sense why it might be hard to let go of someone who had such an impact on your life.
Once you figure out the lesson(s), remember to thank that friendship for what it did and how it provided the kind of support you needed at that time of your life.
Have you ever gone through a friendship breakup? Tell us what happened and how you navigated it in the comments below.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
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