The 7 Emotional Stages of Finding Out Harry Styles and Brad Pitt Are (or Aren’t) Starring in a Movie Together
Today, something almost monumental happened. Something so life-changing and major that it could have been the one thing to turn this absolute shit year around. I was midway through shoving a cheese quesadilla in my mouth (I’m low on groceries, don’t judge) when I glanced down to scroll Instagram like I do every three minutes. That’s when I saw the news, the thing that made my mouth drop open and the cheese on my quesadilla get even meltier due to sheer heat: Brad Pitt and Harry Styles were allegedly to star in a movie together. Together. On the same screen. Doing the same thing. It was a lot for me, personally, as someone whose phone background is a pic of Brad and computer background is a pic of Harry.
The news came via Vértice Cine (a film distributor). The company put the plot synopsis for Faster, Cheaper, Better and pictures of both guys on its website, naming them as the stars. The news spread like crazy on le internet, and people (read: me) lost their minds. But now, both Brad’s and Harry’s reps are denying their involvement. So…what is the truth? Why would a random distributor start a rumor to play with our hearts in such a way? Has 2020 not done enough damage to my emotional state?
Hearing this news and then having it (and my joy) abruptly ripped away from me was an emotional roller coaster. Here’s every single feeling I felt during the process.
Stage 1: There’s no f*cking way
My immediate reaction to this report was disbelief. How could this, something that could be so pure and so perfect, actually be true? There’s absolutely no way this is real, I thought to myself. It’s too good. The universe doesn’t love us this much.
Stage 2: The Kombucha Girl phase
I was still pretty sure this was fake, but I had a moment when, like that one girl experiencing kombucha for the first time, I considered what it would be like if it *were* real. How would I react? What would I do with myself? Would I even be able to control my emotions? It didn’t seem likely, but for two seconds, there was pure bliss.
Stage 3: Launching myself into the stratosphere
Then the world got some seemingly solid intel. Vanity Fair reported the story might, in fact, be true. Considering VF is a very, very reputable entertainment news site, it felt like all the confirmation I needed. That’s when I truly lost it. I screamed for about three minutes and felt like I had been catapulted into outer space. Cloud nine, anyone? Truly, the best I’ve felt in months.
Stage 4: We don’t deserve this
When I finally calmed down long enough to think, I realized something. Karma is a thing that exists, and we, as a society, have not done nearly enough good this year to deserve news of this magnitude. I mean, we can’t even get the coronavirus under control. Like…we have absolutely been shitting the bed lately, as humans. So there’s no way in hell we deserve these two fine-ass specimens on one screen. We simply do not. And if we do get something this good, what does that mean for our future? What fresh hell will be inflicted upon us in exchange for this film?
Stage 5: The five seconds I was able to picture it
I was able to set aside my concerns about cosmic retribution for a second to think about what could be. Would this movie essentially be like watching the Lights Up video but with Brad Pitt strewn in? Would one theater screen even be enough to contain those two beautiful sets of hair, eyes, and cheekbones? Would I pass out upon watching? It was almost too much to process. Thankfully, I persevered, but this is what my face looked like while thinking about it:
Stage 6: Crashing back to Earth
Then it happened. Something I should have expected but certainly didn’t want to believe. Both Harry’s and Brad’s reps denied the report that they were starring in the movie together. And like every other bad thing to happen in this terrible year, I thought about it for two seconds and then realized I didn’t have the emotional capacity to process it or feel any true emotions whatsoever. Bleak but true!
Stage 7: Letting go
It was never meant to be, and it was never really ours. Goodbye, my dreams of a sublimely perfect film. Au revoir, my hopes for a Brad and Harry red carpet. Maybe someday we’ll meet again. We’ll always have Paris that one random Wednesday in August in the middle of a pandemic.
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