60 minutes for a close connection, 20 minutes for a quick catch-up — and other FaceTime rules to transform your friendships

When Sara Stampone’s best friend from college moved to Hawaii eight years ago, Stampone wasn’t stressed. Although they would be nearly 5,000 miles apart (Stampone in New York City and her friend Sarah in Hawaii), Stampone says she was already a pro at maintaining a long-distance relationship with her family in Canada by doing daily FaceTime calls. She knew video calls would help her keep the friendship strong despite the distance.

“Everyone moves away — that’s like my life story, is everyone moves to a different place — so this is how I’ve maintained relationships,” Stampone tells Yahoo Life.

Now that she and Sarah have kids, those FaceTime calls look a little different. What used to be weekly calls now tend to happen at least once a month, and there’s usually at least one child grabbing the phone or running around in the background. But Stampone says having their kids involved is part of what she loves about the conversations.

“Sometimes my daughter will be like, ‘I wanna call Auntie Sarah,’” Stampone says. “It’s pure chaos, but that makes you feel close to people. It makes you feel like you’re there.”

Although Skype is shutting down soon, video calls are alive and well. Millennials like Stampone use video primarily to maintain long-distance friendships, but for younger generations, staying connected over FaceTime is deeply embedded in everyday life and relationships.

“Gen Z has grown up in a world where digital communication is visual-first,” media psychologist Pamela Rutledge tells Yahoo Life. “Many Gen Z-ers do casual FaceTimes while doing homework, getting ready or hanging out, making video calls feel integrated into daily life rather than a formal event.”

Stampone says it’s that closeness — feeling like you’re in the room with someone even when you’re an ocean apart — that’s “literally the best thing about technology.” She adds, “There’s all of this negative stuff about technology — but I have the relationships that I have because of it, in a lot of ways.”

The benefits of a video call

Rutledge says maintaining modern friendships in a digital world means navigating different forms of communication — including text, voice and video calls like FaceTime — and when we talk to a friend, our brain responds differently depending on what medium we’re using.

Here’s what your brain (and relationships) on FaceTime looks like:

• We can see facial and other nonverbal cues. Audio calls can be a bit elusive, but video calls can give you a better window into what your friend is thinking and feeling — not just what they’re saying. “Like face-to-face exchanges, video calls provide facial expressions, gestures and eye contact, which can improve communication accuracy and emotional understanding,” media psychologist Corey Emanuel tells Yahoo Life.

• Video calls increase emotional connection. That face-to-face communication can also help bridge the “emotional gap.” Rutledge says seeing each other’s facial cues enhances emotional bonding. “Seeing facial expressions and eye contact triggers the brain’s oxytocin system, reinforcing trust and familiarity,” she explains.

• They foster feelings of togetherness. Speaking with a friend over video can help both of you feel more “in the moment” than chatting over audio alone. “When my whole family gets together for a holiday I can’t attend, they’ll FaceTime me,” Emanuel says. “The same goes for my friends; when one of us moves to a different city or state, we’ll often FaceTime them to include them in the moment.”

• The visual component increases our attention. While it’s easy to get distracted and try to multitask while on audio calls, video calls usually draw more of your attention to the person you’re speaking with. “After COVID, we’re more isolated than ever before, and there’s much value and connection to ‘seeing’ people,” Karen Osilla, an associate professor in psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University, tells Yahoo Life. “Seeing people helps us increase our attention, accountability [and] gauge how the other person is doing.”

A guide to friendship-boosting FaceTimes

If you are a fan of FaceTime, presumably you’re already doing all of this and reaping the benefits referenced above. (Congrats! Good for you!) But if, like me, you are a die-hard audio call enthusiast who’s reluctant to turn the phone camera on, here are some benchmarks to consider.

How frequently should you FaceTime?

Ideally, the closer you are to someone, the more frequently you'll connect with them. That said, if you and your BFF prefer email catch-ups or other forms of communication — or if busy schedules make habitual video calls too difficult — you should do whatever method enables you to keep in touch.

For friendships, Rutledge says, some communication coaches recommend the following number of video calls per week — “but the real questions are, ‘What kind of relationship are you building?’ and ‘What seems right to you and the person you want to stay connected to?’”

Here’s what she suggests:

• For close friends: Close friends — those you consider your “besties” — should have one to two video calls per week, plus regular texts or voice notes. “Anthropologists suggest that close friendships require regular maintenance, typically through weekly or biweekly interactions,” Rutledge says. “Frequent, short conversations help maintain relational closeness more than occasional long interactions.”

• For good friends: Good friends should have a video call every couple of weeks, supplemented with short audio calls or messages.

• For casual friends: For casual friendships, a video call once a month is enough to stay connected.

How long should the video call last?

People differ based on personality, day-to-day obligations and communication style, so while there are no “right” video call lengths, Rutledge says, these ranges are a good point of reference:

• For a deep connection: 30 to 60 minutes is a good length for meaningful conversations.

• For a quick catch-up: 10 to 20 minutes can still maintain bonds. “Start with a 10-minute check-in and build from there,” Rutledge says. “Consistency is more important than duration.”

But you’re not a bad friend if you don’t take every video call. It is OK (and even healthy) to set FaceTime limits.

Yes, FaceTime is good for your friendships, but it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Experts caution that video calls can be more draining, and the “cognitive load” of processing both visual and verbal cues can be physically taxing. Rutledge notes that continuous self-monitoring on camera can lead to “Zoom fatigue” and increased self-awareness — sometimes leading to “Zoom dysmorphia,” or an unhealthy preoccupation with one’s appearance.

“FaceTime is still screen time,” Emanuel says. “As we all know, too much screen time is bad for you and bad for your social well-being — and this is still the case even when you’re using screens to chat with a friend.”

Emanuel recommends that parents of teens set boundaries around audio and video calls the same way they do for time spent on the internet or playing video games. And time limits and boundaries are important for adults too.

“For instance, don’t feel obligated to accept unexpected video calls that demand your full attention when you’re juggling other commitments,” Emanuel says. “Also, be mindful of calls that interfere with your bedtime so your overall well-being isn’t negatively impacted by late night calls or excessive screen time beyond the workday.”

Being flexible and able to adapt to different communication needs is also important. Osilla points out that when someone is going through a tough time, they may have difficulty opening up at all. In this case, inviting them to share how they feel using whatever communication method they’re most comfortable with is important. You want a call with a friend to feel easy and soothing, not anxiety-inducing or like it’s a chore.

Rutledge adds that no single communication method is superior, and that friendships thrive on a mix of texting, audio and FaceTime.

“The key to strong friendships isn’t just call type or length,” Rutledge says. “It’s showing up regularly in ways that feel natural for both of you.”