9 Red Flags You Were Probably Raised by a Narcissist
NARCISSISTS OFTEN MAKE a great first impression. They can be charming and even a lot of fun—until they eventually reveal themselves to be self-absorbed and completely void of empathy. That’s why it’s so important to know how to spot a narcissist in your life. It’s equally crucial to understand the long-term effects of interacting with someone who exhibits these traits, including being raised by a narcissist.
Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is a personality disorder where someone feels a grandiose sense of self-importance, expresses an exaggerated list of achievements, and fantasizes about money, power, and brilliance. They also tend to feel entitled, lack empathy, get angry when challenged or criticized, and struggle with healthy relationships. But, deep down, narcissists actually feel shame, vulnerability, and low self-esteem.
“A narcissist is not who they appear to be on the surface,” Dr. Seth Meyers, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, says in a MedCircle video posted on YouTube. Not everyone who has an inflated sense of self has NPD, however. Just about everyone displays at least some narcissistic characteristics from time to time.
Any of these behaviors can have repercussions for someone raised by narcissists, Meyers says. Many adult children of narcissists share their stories on the subreddit “raised by narcissists.” Even as adults, the children of narcissists may never feel good enough or worthy of love. They may beat themselves up over imagined failings, which can affect their romantic relationships. And because the roots of these feelings run deep, the person may not even recognize their source.
Recognizing the effects of being raised by narcissists, Meyers explains, can help partners who may otherwise be at a loss when it comes to these deep, potent emotions.
What are the signs you were raised by a narcissist?
Environment is a top risk factor for narcissism, although genetics and neurobiology play a role, according to the Mayo Clinic. Your parents are a huge part of your environment when you’re a child, so how they behave toward you can leave a mark. Often, narcissists raise their children with either an excessive amount of adoration or criticism, which can affect you later. Here are nine signs that you were raised by narcissists:
1. You feel like you’re never good enough
People raised by narcissists often don’t feel unconditional love from their parents, which causes them to question their own self-worth, Meyers says. You might end up feeling stuck in the same role that you had as a child and that you don’t measure up to the expectations placed on you. Plus, because you likely never questioned your narcissistic parent, you might be uncomfortable voicing your opinions.
2. You might self-sabotage
Your narcissistic parent probably placed a lot of pressure and high expectations on you. The upside is that this likely led you to choose a lucrative career and become successful. But, because people raised by narcissists tend to have poor self-esteem, they often “self-sabotage,” no matter how successful they are, says Dr. Michael Roeske, PsyD, senior director of the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation. “They might be high achievers, but they tend to do things that dismantle their successes.” Like, failing to set boundaries, getting angry with others, ruining important relationships, and making bad decisions.
3. You have relationship problems
Relationships can be rocky if you were raised by narcissists, Meyers says. You might choose a partner who’s a narcissist or end up in a similar dynamic that you had with your parents. “There might be trouble with boundaries, where you’re trying to define where you end and the other person begins,” Roeske says. On the other side, if you exhibit narcissistic qualities (similar to your parents), you might seek partners with more passive personalities and end up manipulating them.
4. You struggle with your own emotions
Being raised by a narcissist can be a traumatic event. To cope, you might self-regulate your emotions, which makes it difficult to deal with your own feelings. So, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem are common effects, Roeske says. Addiction is also common, says Dr. Sudhir Gadh, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist with a private practice in New York City, “Emotional pain often leads to addiction. You’re dealing with something that you can’t control so you may harm yourself.”
5. You tie your self-worth to your achievements
Growing up, children of narcissists usually feel that their parents’ love is “contingent on performance or appearance,” Dr. Gadh says. That has a huge impact on someone’s self-worth as an adult. You might feel defined by your accomplishments and achievements and that you’ll only finally feel good enough if you achieve X, Y, or Z. “It translates to your professional and personal life, to friends, lovers, clients,” he says. “It’s that same relationship that continues to cycle.”
6. You’re obsessed with perfection
Many narcissists crave adoration and have an exaggerated sense of self—and demand perfection from everyone around them, including their children. As an adult, you might continue to hold yourself to this same high, often unrealistic, standard. You could be obsessed with your looks and projecting a certain image, such as driving the perfect car or living the perfect life.
7. You struggle to set boundaries
Living with a narcissistic parent probably meant you spent your childhood catering to their emotions and unrealistic demands. As a result, boundaries—whether with romantic partners, friends, co-workers, or other family members—could be a problem for you when you grow up. Maybe, you put your emotions aside in order to support someone else. “They might struggle with setting boundaries with others and knowing exactly how to communicate honestly in relationships,” Roeske says.
8. You lack a true sense of self
Feelings of grandiosity define narcissism. Narcissists prioritize their own feelings and emotions and expect everyone around them to do the same. Many narcissistic parents place such high expectations on their children and demand perfection that they end up living vicariously through their kids. Children then feel pressure to perform a certain way to meet their parents’ needs and may grow up without a true sense of self.
9. You display narcissistic qualities yourself
Sometimes, children of narcissists grow up to be narcissists themselves—or at least exhibit some narcissistic characteristics. It makes sense, Meyers says, “In a parent relationship, that’s the closest relationship that a child has with anybody.” If a child is treated in an uncaring, dismissive way, they may not realize another way exists and display similar behaviors. To avoid repeating the cycle, consider whether you may have your own narcissistic tendencies.
What should you do if you were raised by a narcissist?
Educating yourself about narcissism and talking to a mental health professional about any problems that might be the result of being raised by a narcissist is crucial—especially when it’s affecting your relationships, work, or daily life, Dr. Gadh says.
“But it's not just about blaming mom and dad,” he says. “It's about forgiving them, too, and resolving to improve that relationship. And, also about resolving not to replicate that with existing relationships.”
Trying to talk to a narcissistic parent can backfire, Dr. Gadh says. They’ll rarely acknowledge any problems with their behavior or take ownership of it and might even try to shift the blame onto you, Meyers says, “There will be no self-awareness or accountability.”
To deal with behaviors or personality traits that you want to change, therapy can help. “It requires effort and a willingness to be uncomfortable and recognize things that you don’t necessarily like about yourself,” Roeske says.
Therapy can also help you set boundaries—emotional and physical—with your narcissistic parent, he says, “Talk therapy is very helpful to people in dealing with negative thoughts and feelings associated with the caretaking they experienced as a child.”
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