5 Things to Avoid When Sleep Training Your Baby
When my son, Fletcher, was around 8 months old, I started dreading bedtime. Each night I'd steel myself as I put him in the crib, where he'd start wailing like an abandoned child. Even though I knew that he was fine—not hungry or thirsty or wet or sick—this drama broke my heart. I often caved and brought him back downstairs, letting him snooze with my husband and me while we hung out on the couch. Despite my good intentions, I'd fallen into a classic sleep trap like so many rookie parents.
"Moms feel terrible about letting their baby cry," says Heather Wittenberg, Psy.D., a child psychologist on Maui. "Many say, 'I'm not going to be like my mother and put my baby in the crib, close the door, and ignore her wails.' But some of us take it too far and think it's awful for babies to ever cry. Then we end up with a sleep problem."
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Did we ever! I needed guidance—and maybe some backbone. Sound familiar? Keep reading to learn five common mistakes when sleep training your baby, with expert-approved tips for fixing them.
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Feeding or Rocking Your Baby to Sleep
It's common to fall into this pattern because feeding and rocking your baby are pretty much all you're doing in the beginning (besides changing diapers, of course). Since newborns need to eat every two to three hours and their sleep-wake cycles are so chaotic, they frequently doze off at the end of a meal. While your baby is adjusting to life outside the womb, falling asleep after feeding is just fine. "During the first few months, babies don't have any strategies for soothing themselves, and they don't form bad habits," says Parents advisor Ari Brown, M.D., author of Baby 411. "But around 4 months, they mature neurologically and start to develop sleep routines."
At this point, feeding or rocking can become an issue if it's the only way you can get your child to fall asleep. "Babies naturally wake up two to six times a night, which means that whatever you're doing to get them to sleep at bedtime, you'll need to do that same thing whenever he stirs," says Parents advisor Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., author of Sleeping Through the Night.
Solution for Sleep Training Baby
Create a bedtime routine that will help your baby associate new activities with sleep: Give them a bath, put on their pajamas, read a story, then dim the lights. "If the same thing happens every night, your baby will start to understand that sleep is soon to come," Dr. Mindell says. You want to put your infant in their crib before they get too sleepy, so that they learn to connect going to sleep with being in their crib, not in your arms.
Picking Baby Up Whenever They Cry
Of course, you instinctively want to comfort your baby when they're whimpering. And for the first six months or so, you should go to them when they cry, so they know you'll be there—but ideally give them a few minutes to see if they settle back down on their own. However, as babies get older, they discover that they can use tears to their advantage. "A 9-month-old will remember that she put up a fuss last night and Mommy let her play until she fell asleep," says Dr. Wittenberg.
Solution for Sleep Training Baby
Run through your checklist: Are they hungry? Thirsty? Wet? Sick? If your baby is only crying because you've left their side, try the following strategy recommended by Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., a psychologist in Lake Forest, Illinois (it's based on the Ferber Method, a sleep-training technique developed by pediatrician Richard Ferber, M.D.). When you leave the room, set a timer for five minutes. If your baby is still crying after five minutes, return to them and reassure them they're okay, then reset the timer. Check back every five minutes until they're asleep. The next night, set the timer for ten-minute intervals. And so on. By night two or three, your baby should fall asleep more readily. "Crying is part of how babies learn to calm themselves, and it doesn't mean you're neglecting her," says Dr. Lombardo.
Extending Night Feedings
Like a passenger on a cruise ship, your baby gets accustomed to the midnight buffet, even if they don't need the calories. "He also gets used to waking up at the end of a sleep cycle and thinking he needs to suck and eat in order to fall back to sleep," says Dr. Brown. You've probably found it easier to trudge out of bed and feed them than to listen to their sobs. But once your baby is 6 months old—provided they're growing normally and your pediatrician gives you the go-ahead—they don't require middle-of-the-night meals, even though they may still continue to want them. And they'll probably insist. Loudly. "When you oblige, it just perpetuates the disruptive sleep," Dr. Brown explains.
Not only will on-demand nocturnal snacks cut into your sleep time, they can affect your baby's daytime eating too. "It becomes a vicious cycle: Your baby gets so many calories at night that he doesn't eat much during the day, so he's hungry again at night," says Dr. Mindell. Continued after-hours feeding may even interfere with introducing solid foods.
Solution for Sleep Training Baby
Close the kitchen after the bedtime meal to motivate your baby to eat more during the day. To get there, you can gradually cut back on the ounces you're feeding them or the amount of time you spend nursing. Or go cold turkey—and if you're nursing, let Dad put the baby back to sleep for a few nights.
Napping on the Go
Letting your baby doze in the stroller frequently can make it easier for you to tackle errands, but little ones who are accustomed to snoozing in motion may find it hard to drift off in their crib, Dr. Mindell says. That can complicate sleep training Baby at home. Plus, catching zzz's on the fly means naptime won't be consistent. "Parents tend to think that they'll just let the baby sleep when she wants to, but it's important for her to understand, 'This is my rest time and this is my wake time,'" Dr. Lombardo explains.
Solution for Sleep Training Baby
Get familiar with how much slumber your baby needs, as well as when and how long they nap. Organize your day so they can nap in their crib as often as possible. If they are resistant, make the transition slowly, Dr. Mindell suggests. "Focus on having her fall asleep in the crib for one nap a day, then move on to all naps." Chances are, while they're dozing at home, you'll find things to do that are more fun (or at least more relaxing) than picking up the dry cleaning!
RELATED: How to Get Baby to Sleep in the Crib
Letting Your Baby Stay up late
You would think that keeping your cherub up till their eyelids are drooping would make them sleep longer and more deeply, but a late bedtime can actually backfire. "When babies stay up, they get overtired," Dr. Mindell says. "Then they take longer to fall asleep and wake up more often." Although your newborn may naturally go to bed later because their sleep patterns are jumbled, by 3 or 4 months old, they're ready to hit the sack at 7 or 8 p.m.
Solution for Sleep Training Baby
If your baby takes an early-evening nap, you can convert that to bedtime: "Bathe him, put him in his pajamas, and just call it a night," Dr. Mindell recommends. You can also roll this new bedtime forward by 15 minutes every few days until you reach 7 p.m. or so. Night, night!
