40 Hilarious Tweets About Marriage That Just Nailed It This Year

December 19, 2017 at 9:14 PM

Marriage is a long and sometimes bumpy road. But couples who can find some humor in the day-to-day annoyances, disagreements and quirks of married life are more likely to go the distance.

Below, we present 40 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets of 2017.

I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.

Current count:23
— mama77?? (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017

Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017

Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017

Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.

Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.

Me: We’re skipping both, right?

Wife: Obviously.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017

Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017

Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017

Husband: you walk really loud.

Anyway, marriage is fun.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017

Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017

"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017

Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"

Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."

Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."
— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2017

I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017

wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.

-marriage
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert
— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017

Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017

Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
— Valerie ??s Presents (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017

Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017

Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.

Me: So it's a can't opener?

Wife: I can't believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017

Husband: *choking on a curly fry*

Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017

The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017