3 Women on Why (and How) they Live Apart From Their Spouse
Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. But what if after you say ‘I do,’ circumstances present themselves that cause you to live 3,000 miles (or more) apart? We chatted with three real life couples who are doing just that.
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My Husband Lives at Sleepaway Camp
“My husband and I got married in May 2018 and have been together for six years. He’s the camp director of a boys sleep-away camp, so from May through September, he lives in Maine, and for the rest of the year, we live together in New York. He actually moved up to Maine nine days after our wedding this year!”
Cohabitation History: “When we first met, he was working at a local camp. We had been living together for two months when he was then presented with an opportunity—and ultimately his dream job—at a camp he went to growing up. That was four years ago.”
For Better…or Worse: “Living apart is definitely an adjustment, but we are both very independent people, so it works for us. It allows me to maintain strong bonds with my friends, especially during the summer months. The biggest adjustment is actually when my husband moves back. I get so used to having my own space. Plus, I am very neat and my husband is not. This means that we both have to learn to live with each other again, which takes some time.”
How They Keep in Touch: “I visit him two to three times per summer since he can’t really leave once he’s up there. We talk on the phone or FaceTime a couple of times a day, but the service by him is not so great. Honestly, that is the most annoying part of him being away—the bad service. It’s hard to have a steady conversation when he keeps cutting out. I also write letters to him once or twice a summer. He is at camp, after all!”
I Live in China With the Kids…And He’s in L.A.
“My husband and I met in Qindao, China in 2015. I was a 19-year-old expatriate American and he was a professional Chinese soccer player—about nine years older than me. It really was love at first sight. We were married within three months and have just recently celebrated our third anniversary…with two daughters to boot!
We live apart purely for financial reasons. Since he finished playing soccer, he makes much more money working in the U.S. than in China. Meanwhile, I'm a private tutor with about 15 students and earn more in China than I would in the U.S. His parents also help me look after our children, which saves us a ton on childcare.”
Cohabitation History: “We did live together for two years, up until September 2017..”
For Better…or Worse: “I think it’s had a negative impact in many ways, but it’s positive too: My husband’s English has vastly improved and he’s saved a tremendous about of money since moving. On the other hand, we’re pretty lonely and no sex for a year has driven me halfway insane. Honestly, if he cheated on my with a one-night stand, I wouldn’t even really mind. I’ve even encouraged him to find hookups to sate his libido, but he always refuses!”
How They Keep in Touch: “WeChat is a very popular social media app here in China. You can do video calls, send messages, share music and buy stuff. My husband and I talk every day through it, and he’s even bought me flowers using the app. He occasionally sends care packages with stuff for the kids as well. He’s really great. He visits me for about a month during Chinese New Year and I usually visit him in L.A. for a week at Thanksgiving or Christmas.”
I Married a Military Doc
“My husband I have been together for over 12 years and married for about 15 months. We started dating at 14, did long-distance for six years during college (between Massachusetts and Vermont) and the immediate two years following (between New York and Connecticut) before getting engaged in May 2016.”
Cohabitation History: “We had about 18 months of living together before we went back to long distance. Right now, we are living apart for a nearly four-month long streak while he works at a Navy hospital in San Diego. He’s in the middle of his third year of medical school, which means he’s doing clinical rotations at different military hospitals—and one or two civilian hospitals—around the country. By the end of 2018, he’ll have been gone for about eight of the 12 months.”
For Better…or Worse: “During the initial weeks when he goes away, I revel in being able to starfish in our queen bed, binge watch Succession on HBO, eat easy dinners standing over the island in our kitchen and go to PureBarre whenever it’s convenient for my schedule. I also see my friends lots and commit more hours to my career. Similarly, when he’s away, he can be super-focused and present during 13-hour work days and then come home and immediately fall asleep. The long distance life has its upsides.
Unfortunately, however, we can end up drifting away from each other just because of the nature of leading separate lives and not having shared experiences. There's also the time difference and the long work hours, which make scheduling Skype dates or phone calls difficult. It can be hard to dedicate time to caring for a marriage that you don't come home to every day.”
How They Keep in Touch: “We try to schedule visits at least once a month when he's away—whether it's a weekend or overnight or full, extended vacation—and make the concrete decision to eliminate distractions like phones. We also try to communicate more via text message with details of what we're doing and things that made us think of each other; For a while we were sort of thinking, "Oh, I'll tell him/her this anecdote when we chat on the phone today or tomorrow," but then if those calls don't work out, the opportunity to connect gets lost. Communicating in real-time whenever possible—“Helped delivery a baby today!” or "At Dolcezza with Naomi; I told her about your affogato concoction!"—has gone a surprisingly long way. A friend also recommended sending photos to help us picture each other's environments, so I've been making an effort to do that.”
