18 Lies College Teaches Kids About Drinking
Matthew Latkiewicz knows a lot about drinking. In his new book, You Suck at Drinking, Latkiewicz has graciously imparted his knowledge to those of us who learned how to drink at ridiculous college functions. American undergrads, he told us over the phone, show "a complete lack of respect and appreciation for the drunken state, which needs to be handled like an egg on a spoon: slow, steady, keeping your cool." In this excerpt taken from his chapter on "College Life and How to Survive it," Latkiewicz calls attention to the worst behaviors people learn during these formative drinking years. While he tended to partake in "other vices" during his time at college, Latkiewicz admitted to witnessing or participating in about 80 percent of the activities listed below. Here, Latkiewicz blows the lid off the biggest collegiate drinking myths:
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For many people, college will be the first time they encounter liquor, at least in the mostly unrestricted way of an American adult. Sadly, these encounters are mostly disgusting and about as far away from proper drinking as you can get.
Combine that with the fact that these young adults are also basically unsupervised and around a bunch of peers who are also experiencing first-time unrestricted access to booze; and then combine that with the fact that they (or their parents) are spending a lot of money for them to be there and also that they are basically setting the course for, if not the rest of their lives, then at least their twenties, and you have probably the worst idea ever. Who thought this would work?
Learning how to drink at college is the first real test you will have of self-regulation around booze, and thus it is important to be on your guard, lest you get the wrong idea about things. To aid you in this, please review the following list of fallacies about drinking.
Parties involving alcohol should take place in the grossest houses possible.
Kegs are EVERYWHERE and good for doing gymnastics on.
SoCo and root beer is a good combination.
Serving liquor from a garbage can is a great idea.
Most drinking involves a weird game with Ping-Pong balls that isn't fun.
That guy who graduated but still hangs out at college parties? Yeah, he's a cool guy.
It's fun when losing means being forced to drink health-risk levels of liquor.
Drinking is always best when done at the fastest possible rate.
Boots, blocks of ice, funnels, and human belly buttons are perfectly normal and acceptable vessels for alcohol.
When drinking, you should dance like a stripper.
The best way to buy alcohol is in the largest quantity possible for the least money possible.
Cuervo Tequila is good.
Most bars require that you stand outside in a line wearing way too few clothes and possibly even shower sandals.
Many bars will honor your meal-plan card.
Eating a burrito AND a falafel at 2 a.m. is a good idea.
People's lawns are good places for sleeping.
Shots and highballs are the only way to drink spirits.
Being drunk means you get to shout at things. Especially inanimate things.
None of the above is true! Any reader of this manual should understand that drinking can be done with grace and with proper glassware. In order to shield oneself from the bad habits of college drinking, it is recommended that you follow these basic rules:
Never drink (or buy) liquor from plastic bottles.
Don't drink anything that lists food coloring as an ingredient.
Drink more wine than beer.
And (sadly this must be said) never ever take advantage of someone who is drunk. A Drinker always protects those around him or her, especially the very drunk.
The only exception to the fourth rule is when encouraging drunk people to do karaoke, which is less a matter of taking advantage of them and more like helping them realize their full potential.
You Suck at Drinking is available now.
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