11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
Woman feeling guilt-tripped by her mom
Guilt is an unpleasant feeling. Sometimes, it can propel us in the right direction to do some good and make some changes. But there are many times when feeling guilt is unnecessary—especially when it’s done at the hand of another person and you don't actually have anything to feel guilty about. Perhaps you have someone in your life, whether it’s a partner, friend or loved one, who seems as if they’re perpetually guilt-tripping you. But what is guilt-tripping, exactly? We'll cover what it is and exactly how to respond to guilt-tripping, according to psychologists.
What Is Guilt-Tripping?
Simply put, guilt-tripping means that a person is trying to make another person feel guilty about something, particularly in order to make them do something, according to psychologist Victoria Latifses, Ph.D. It’s an indirect form of communication that can make the other person feel bad about themselves. Dr. Latifses says that once someone is on a “guilt-trip,” they may comply with what the person wants them to do.
As Dr. Latifses points out, some examples of guilt-tripping include:
The silent treatment
Comparing their own efforts and noting that you have fallen short somehow
Making sarcastic comments
Engaging in passive-aggressive behavior through comments about you
Denying your efforts to talk about the problem directly
Insisting nothing is wrong despite a frown, sigh, eye roll or other body language to show otherwise
For instance, a parent might say something like, “I worked all day to put a roof over your head and food in the refrigerator, and all I asked is for you to take out the trash. Why can’t you at least do that?”
Dr. Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and talk show host, believes that guilt-tripping is a form of manipulation, or playing “the blame game.” Once someone succumbs to guilt-tripping, they become an “emotional hostage,” as Dr. Leno puts it.
“A person may guilt-trip to emotionally blackmail, avoid change, get their needs met and make one feel inferior. Guilt-trippers have a hard time accepting responsibility for their behavior. It's generally a selfish act that one implements, subconsciously or with total awareness, to gain compliance,” Dr. Leno says.
Dr. Latifses says that guilt-tripping often occurs in close relationships, such as between children and parents, partners, roommates or colleagues.
Related: What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
What Are the Negative Effects of Guilt-Tripping?
Really, no good can come from guilt-tripping. Dr. Latifses says that a person who is guilt-tripped is likely to feel hurt, sad and trapped. They’ll feel uncomfortable not knowing how to respond, or feel unsure whose needs are more important in the relationship.
“Further, resentment and anger can build over the long term,” she adds. “As a parenting practice, research shows this can be particularly bad for children, leading to shame and difficulties with later socialization.”
The bottom line is that too-frequent guilt-tripping can ruin relationships, since the guilt-tripper has unreasonable demands.
Dr. Leno says, “Since demands are usually communicated in a subtle manner, they may be perceived as gentle reminders or requests. However, there is nothing gentle about it. Guilt-trippers rely on you to meet their needs at any cost, and this places significant strain on the relationship.”
However, there are two ways to approach a guilt-tripper: by offering supportive words or by being direct and setting boundaries.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping, According to Psychologists
1. “I can tell you are upset. I am here and I am listening.”
Dr. Latifses says that this phrase shows the person that you care about them and their needs. If you feel that the relationship is worth salvaging, it’s helpful to start from a kind, helpful place when you can.
2. “Blaming me is not going to help you.”
This straightforward phrase shows the guilt-tripper that you are aware of what they are doing, as Dr. Leno says.
3. “I understand you’re frustrated, but I need you to see my side as well.”
“People want to feel heard and validated,” Dr. Leno explains. “This statement says you are paying attention.”
4. “I will help if I can. I can see you are having a tough time.”
Dr. Latifses says that if the person is feeling that the relationship is unequal, you have given them the opportunity to open up about it by using this phrase.
5. “I’m not responsible for how you feel.”
According to Dr. Leno, this phrase encourages the guilt-tripper to acknowledge their feelings in the moment. “Sometimes, people guilt-trip with little awareness of how they really feel,” she says.
Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases
6. “I need you to tell me what you need from me in one sentence.”
With this phrase, you’re keeping things short and sweet and setting a boundary while allowing the other person to share their thoughts. “This opens the door to a conversation about the root of the problem,” Dr. Leno says.
7. “Tell me what is going on and what I can do.”
“This [phrase] gives you the chance to set boundaries if needed,” Dr. Latifses says. “Maybe the other person is expecting too much from you and you need to tell them you validate their feelings, but they need to find another alternative or solution.”
8. “I care about how you feel, but I need you to see my side as well.”
With this phrase shared by Dr. Leno, you encourage the guilt-tripper to acknowledge that you have feelings too.
9. “I am sorry I can’t go out tonight. I know we were both looking forward to spending some time together.”
Perhaps you always have that friend who guilt-trips you whenever you need to cancel. For this, according to Dr. Latifses, you can something like, “I am sorry I can’t go out tonight. I know we were both looking forward to the movie and spending some time together. My boss moved up the deadline on these budgets. I will have to skip the movie and finish them tonight because they are due in the morning.”
“Offering extra context can make all the difference to let the other person know you do care how this affects them, too,” Dr. Latifses says.
10. “You should consider your own role.”
“This [phrase] encourages them to think about how they contributed to the problem,” Dr. Leno says.
11. “This guilt-tripping is too overwhelming for me.”
At the end of the day, direct is best when it comes to dealing with a guilt-tripper, and this phrase is an example of just that. Dr. Leno says that this phrase “tells the guilt-tripper that you are prepared to exit the relationship.”
Next up, discover 35 phrases to disarm a narcissist.
Sources
Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Science: “Guilt Trips and Love Withdrawal: Does Mothers’ Use of Psychological Control Predict Depressive Symptoms Among African American Adolescents?”
Victoria Latifses, Ph.D., psychologist.
Dr. Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and talk show host.
