The No. 1 Way to Reach Orgasm Isn’t What You Think

If you want to amp up your sex life, you may need to shift the way you think about yourself. (Photo: Getty Images)

The female orgasm is multifaceted, complicated, and — unfortunately — sometimes absent from our sex lives. In fact, research from the Kinsey Institute suggests that 20 to 30 percent of women don’t climax from intercourse. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine also found that regardless of sexual orientation, women have fewer, less predictable O’s than men do.

But while missing out on an orgasm can sometimes be a physical issue, different factors — both societal and emotional — can also be to blame.

“We live in a culture that really glorifies this idea of spontaneous desire coming from nowhere,” Ian Kerner, PhD, a psychotherapist, sex expert, and author of She Comes First, tells Yahoo Health. Think about what you see in the movies: She walks in the door, sees her partner, and wants to rip his clothes off.

Well, science shows us otherwise. Women have what Kerner calls “responsive desire.” In order to be turned on — and, in turn, orgasm more easily — most of the time you need relevant sexual cues. And those cues have a lot to do with not only how you feel about your partner but also how you feel about yourself and your body, he says. Since arousal and orgasm go hand in hand, creating an environment that you’re comfortable in — and can be turned on by — proves important later when it comes to feeling the ultimate pleasure.

In fact, feeling neutral (or, better yet, good!) about your body matters when it comes to sex. A Yahoo survey of 1,993 teens and adults between ages 13 and 64 found that feeling neutral about your body can lead to higher levels of happiness, self-confidence, and sexual confidence.

Almost all the latest research about female sexuality has shown similar results, says Kerner: Relational and emotional context — how you feel in the moment — are hugely important in experiencing desire.

So what, exactly, is getting in the way?

“A very common phenomenon that leads to sexual dysfunction is called ‘spectatoring,’” says Kerner. “It’s when you get so caught up in your own performance and anxieties around how you’re being perceived — like how you look or what you’re doing — that you’re more focused on performing than experiencing.”

Related: The 12 Types of Orgasms — What They Are and How to Have Them

The problem is spectatoring takes you outside of your own body, making it harder to experience arousal and orgasm. In fact, Kerner says, recent research on the topic demonstrates that as a woman inches closer to orgasm, the parts of the brain linked to stress and anxiety actually deactivate.

“Women go into a trancelike state in the moments before orgasm,” Kerner says. “But if you’re not letting your mind deactivate, if you’re not ‘turning off’ your brain so that your body can turn on, more likely than not you’ll experience sexual dysfunction and inhibited arousal.”

To understand how that can happen, you have to understand the two physiological processes that are essential to orgasm: vasocongestion (when the tissues in sexual organs swell preclimax, causing a rush of blood) and myotonia (the contraction of different sex muscles). “Both of those require time and require being relaxed,” says Kerner.

If you’re not giving yourself enough time — and you’re worried about how you look — you won’t be relaxed enough to be able to develop either, he says. Thus, you’re not going to hit your peak as easily.

So, the heart of the issue is to be relaxed and present — easier said than done. After all, let’s admit it, it’s easy to stress more about the fact that you’re stressing.

How can you refocus your thoughts for a better, longer O? Here are four places to start.

Be mindful

“I always say you should be focusing on what you’re feeling physically during sex,” says Kerner. So hone in on the sensations — what your partner’s skin feels like on yours, the rocking of your bodies back and forth, the smells, and the tastes. This can help put you in the moment, allowing you to more easily experience pleasure. Some research even suggests that orgasmic women are more mindful — in sexual activities and throughout the day — than women who have difficulty climaxing.

For more on how mindfulness and meditation can help your sex life, watch the video below.

Fantasize

“Studies have shown women fantasize during sex more than men,” says Kerner. And know this: Sometimes those fantasies are about the person you’re having sex with — and sometimes they’re not. (And that’s normal.) “One theory is that fantasy helps to turn on [the] parts of [the] brain that are important for sexual arousal and turn off those associated with stress and anxiety,” says Kerner. Imagining your deepest desires works whether you’re doing it together (talking with your partner about what really turns you on) or alone (picturing your fantasies), he adds. It’s really about what you feel more comfortable with.

Related: How I Learned to Orgasm

Create sexual context

“Play to your strengths,” suggests Kerner. If you like the lighting a certain way, dim the lights, or wear a type of lingerie that fits your body in a way you feel sexiest. Setting yourself up to be turned on will increase the chances of orgasm. As for foreplay, some research suggests that both women and men want 18 minutes of it. The time before the big show matters — it’s a key time for lubrication and mental and physical arousal.

Give

“For women, the idea of giving can be arousing,” says Kerner, so take turns in the roles of giver and receiver. And this doesn’t have to relate only to oral sex. You could give your partner a sexy, sensual massage — and then turn the tables. “If you’re a woman who is a bit uncomfortable but you’re turning your partner on, your inhibitions may lower and you’ll feel more comfortable,” says Kerner. “Giving pleasure is a first step to being able to receive pleasure.”

Body-Peace Resolution is Yahoo Health’s January initiative to motivate you to pursue wellness goals that are not vanity-driven, but that strive for more meaningful outcomes. We’re talking strength, mental fitness, self-acceptance — true and total body peace. Our big hope: This month of resolutions will inspire a body-peace revolution. Want to join us? Start by sharing your own body-positive moments on social media using the hashtag #bodypeaceresolution.

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