How Couples Therapists Deal With Breakdowns In Their Own Relationships
The experts are experts for a reason — here’s what they do to mend, maintain, and foster their own relationships. (Getty Images)
All couples run into relationship problems. You either end things altogether, decide to work through them, or seek professional help from a marriage and relationship counselor. But what if you, the counselor, are the one who’s having trouble at home?
We asked four relationship experts how they handle some of the most common roadblocks faced by couples — in their own lives:
Arguing in a non-destructive way:
At its heart, arguing is one of those necessary evils in a relationship. A study presented at the American Psychological Association’s annual conference in 2012, for instance, showed that arguing through marital problems can be healthier than forgiving a spouse in some cases. And research done in India showed that 44 percent of married couples believe that fighting more than once a week helps keep the lines of communication open. So: If arguing is such an integral part of a relationship, how can you do it in such a way that helps, not hurts?
Jenn Berman, PsyD, MFT, host of VH1’s “Couple’s Therapy,” says that she makes a point to end every argument with her boyfriend in a productive way.
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"As you can imagine, I have a pretty strong personality and strong opinions, as does he," she tells Yahoo Health. "And while we are always very respectful of each other and each other’s opinions, sometimes things can get a little intense, so he came up with three questions that he always asks at the end of every conflict." They are:
What did we learn from this experience?
What could we do differently next time?
What do I need to work on?
"I think it has really helped us grow as a couple," says Berman. "I think that they are three questions that pretty much every couple should adopt."
Building — and sustaining — trust:
It’s one of those universal relationship truths: Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. Of course, can trust issues manifest in any number of ways (including the usual, relationship-killing suspects of cheating, money problems and unknown pasts).
So what’s key to maintaining trust in a relationship?
For Gerri DiBenedetto, a New York City-based relationship therapist who has been married for 34 years, it involves following a somewhat simple rule: “All therapists should be in therapy with their significant other.”
“It doesn’t have to be all the time, but a check-up every four to five years is key to keeping trust in a relationship,” DiBenedetto tells Yahoo Health. These “emotional tune-ups,” as she refers to them, help to keep a relationship stable as circumstances change. For example: DiBenedetto has never been the mother of a middle-schooler before. “So, that is a new thing we are dealing with as a couple and we need to make sure we keep the trust to work through a new challenge together,” she explains.
And another big rule she lives by: “There should never be any secrets.” After all, your relationship is “only as healthy as your secrets.”
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Communicating in a way that gets your point across — and doesn’t assign blame:
Any expert will tell you that effective communication, though difficult, is key to building and sustaining long-lasting relationships. In fact, “communication problems” was the most commonly cited reason for divorce, according to a recent YourTango.com poll of mental health professionals.
Any time two individuals come together with differing opinions, values, and views, there’s bound to be disagreement. Meg Batterson, licensed psychotherapist and relationship counselor, tells Yahoo Health that she tries to do in her own life what she advises her clients to do: “If I am bringing up an issue I try to practice using ‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel’ [or] ‘I think’ rather than blaming or accusing the person.” She also tries to use loving speech when communicating in her relationship, meaning she tries to “speak from a place of warmth and kindness and ask questions with the intention of increasing the understanding of my partner’s position.”
Of course, everyone gets angry from time to time — and Batterson is no exception. But “when I’m in that place, I try to take a break and not discuss the issue.”
“I’m not always good at these strategies, but I know that [they] work so I make an effort,” she explains. However, she notes, in order for these communication strategies to work, both partners must be willing to communicate in this way.
Keeping the spark alive (even if you’ve been together for years):
The spark starts to fade in the average relationship after three-and-a-half years, according to a recent poll. It’s easy to fall into a routine, which can create stagnation in and out of the bedroom. Relationship therapist Routh Chadwick put a couple of rules in place in her own life to maintain passion in her relationship: And the first rule has to do with the TV.
"Rule number one: We keep the TV out of the bedroom," she tells Yahoo Health. "Rule number two: We try new things together, [and] are spontaneous when at all possible."
Chadwick also says that there is such a thing as spending too much time together. (It can take a toll on connections you have with other people in your life, such as family and friends, who not only function as an additional support system, but whose opinions can predict relationship success.)”Spending time away from each other gives us time to miss each other and that can be healthy,” Chadwick says.
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