Why [spoiler] is the next Bachelor: God tells all!

Are you there, Kristen? It’s Me, God. Please forgive Me for the tardiness of My reply. While I received all of the prayers you sent and read the numerous supplications in your Bachelorette recaps asking Me to please, please, pretty please make Juan Pablo the next Bachelor, it’s been a little busy up here what with flash floods and the whole Egypt situation and now that tainted salad mix business. (Seriously, why does anyone even eat at Olive Garden anymore?) And don’t even get Me started on the Doctor Who fans — I mean, I like Idris Elba as much as the next guy, but I can’t force him down producers’ throats, can I? I gave you people free will for a reason. It’s over. Please stop spamming My Gmail.

Anyhow, as My friend Chris Harrison announced tonight on After the Final Rose, I’ve decided to grant your request: The Bachelor starring Juan Pablo is coming to a TV near you in January 2014. You’re welcome.

Now, I want to clarify a few things here.

Normally, I don’t respond to reality TV requests — and trust Me, I get a lot of them. I mean, if I were to answer every fan and contestant who called on My name for help, I’d have to create an eighth day of the week or risk spending all My time planting immunity idols, rigging HOH competitions, getting out the vote for Team Blake, and so on. It’s just easier for me not to get involved. Why do you think Howard went home last week on Big Brother? Because I stayed out of it. Also, sometimes I think it’s important for America to be reminded that whatever a man does sow, that he will also reap. [Cough] Taylor Hicks [Cough]

When it came to Juan Pablo, however, the volume of requests was just so high, I felt like it would be downright rude to ignore them. The never-ending, borderline-tedious string of pleas in your Bachelorette recaps were just the tip of the proverbial iceberg: Every day, a new faction of Juan Pablo fans regaled Me with all the reasons why I simply had to put the amiable former soccer player in the Bachelor mansion. He’s so sexy! He’s looking for true love! He’s a single dad! He’d be the first Latino Bachelor ever! And on and on and on. So I did My research and it turns out, you people were right. This guy is just straight-up adorable. I mean, did you see him video-chatting with his daughter on the Men Tell All special? That was just too precious. And the way he pronounces “yodeling” is, in a word, delightful. Not to pat Myself on the back or anything, but when I made Juan Pablo, I broke the mold.

So enjoy, My children. But please be forewarned: This will be My only involvement in season 18 of The Bachelor, so don’t come crying to Me when some chick who’s not there for the “right reasons” breaks Juan Pabs’ heart or whatever. He’s on his own … though, of course, I’m always with him, and you, and everyone everywhere because, you know, I’m God. I’m just sayin’ — no more reality TV favors. I’ve got a universe to run.