Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable people?

Do you ever find yourself attracted to someone who you know is not ready to be in a relationship or has flat-out told you that they are not ready to commit? Do you find yourself attracted to individuals who don't open up, don't offer much emotional support or approach the relationship with very little vulnerability?

We've all been there.

So why do we keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners, and what can we do to break the cycle?

Emotionally unavailable people and why we choose them

One potential reason for choosing unavailable partners is that we're drawn to emotionally unavailable people because they remind us of our parents or caregivers. If we grew up with an emotionally distant or unavailable parent, we might have learned to navigate relationships, love and affection in the context of distance and rejection. As a result, we may feel more comfortable with partners who replicate this pattern, even if it's not what we consciously want.

Another potential reason for choosing emotionally unavailable partners is because we're afraid of getting hurt. If we choose a partner that always remains at arm's length emotionally, we think we can protect ourselves from the pain of abandonment or betrayal. But of course, this self-protective strategy ultimately backfires, as it prevents us from experiencing the deep connection and intimacy we crave.

The third potential reason, and probably the hardest reason to admit, for choosing emotionally unavailable partners is that we are emotionally unavailable ourselves. Suppose we are not interested or ready to emotionally connect, be vulnerable, or support someone emotionally. In that case, we are looking for people willing to be in such a relationship – and, chances are, that an emotionally available person would not be willing to date us! Choosing emotionally unavailable people allows us to remain emotionally unavailable.

Whatever the reason for our attraction to emotionally unavailable people, the consequences can be painful. We may find ourselves in relationships that feel one-sided or even unhealthy. We may struggle with feelings of loneliness and rejection, even when we're in a relationship. And we may find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again without understanding why.

How can we break the cycle?

The first step is to recognize the pattern. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, it's essential to acknowledge how this impacts your life. Ask yourself why you’re attracted to these types of people, and what you are gaining by repeating the pattern. Then, ask yourself what you're losing by pursuing such dynamics.

The next step is to challenge the beliefs that might be fueling your decisions. If you believe that you don’t deserve emotional intimacy, that vulnerability equals weakness, or that emotionally close relationships are always unsafe and end in pain, it’s time to question your beliefs. Talk to a therapist, read books about healthy relationships and seek out role models who embody the kind of connection and intimacy that you want to experience.

The third step is to work on your own emotional availability (if applicable). If you're always holding back in relationships, it's time to start taking emotional risks. Share your feelings, express your needs, and practice vulnerability with people you trust. The more you practice emotional intimacy, the more natural it will become. The more we nurture our own capacity for emotional intimacy, the more attractive this trait will become in others.

The final step is to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Breaking old patterns and developing new ones takes time and effort, and it's easy to get discouraged along the way. But remember that every step you take toward understanding and intimacy is a step in the right direction.

The goal for many of us is to have deep and meaningful connections. To do so, we need to identify what types of people we are attracted to and how we contribute or co-create dynamics that we no longer want. Awareness is the foundation of change.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Emotionally unavailable men, women and why you're attracted to them