'Twilight Saga': 15 important life lessons it taught us
May-December relationships are often frowned upon in polite company, but being loved by someone with considerable life experience can lead to a profound sense of emotional and psychological security. So how very fortunate for young Bella Swan that her beloved Edward Cullen has lived for more than a century. Think of all the interesting stories he can tell her about the Spanish influenza, the Great Depression, and the rest of the 20th century!
At the end of Eclipse, Bella has to make a final decision between her two suitors: Well-heeled vampire Edward and Thoreauvian werewolf Jacob. The fact that she chooses Edward is already a disappointment for Jacob, but then Bella explains that she actually does love Jacob... she just loves Edward more. According to the Transitive Property of Love in the Time of Cholera, this ensures that Jacob will be eternally devoted to Bella Swan. Which could get awkward...
NEW FACEBOOK MESSAGE:
''Hey there, Li'l Renesmee! I'm your Uncle Jacob. Did you know that me and your ma had a little fling back in the day? Say, you kind of look a little bit like her. Except younger, more impressionable, and not in a relationship with a guy who I hate. Anyhow, hit me back, let's hang-hang sometime. Tell your mom that I love her, too!''
The great vampire humanitarian (vampiritarian?) Carlisle Cullen essentially runs a reform school for teenaged vampires, teaching youthful bloodsuckers that human life is meaningful. Cullen then sends his adoptive ''children'' — one of whom, you'll recall, was a Confederate officer in the Civil War — to perpetually repeat high school. Such devotion to the American public education system is inspiring.
From the moment Bella falls in love with Edward, she can feel her biological clock ticking. Edward is forever 17, but Bella's lame human genes keep on deteriorating. In her nightmares, she sees herself as a horrifying old person — you know, someone with ''wrinkles'' (ewww!) and ''life experience'' (no thanks!) and ''probably enough forethought to not make any major life decisions based on hormonal emotion'' (disgusting!). I'll take an eternity of glow-dancing in the forest, please.
I suppose it's not entirely accurate to call the Volturi ''Italian'' — ringleader Aro was born in ancient Greece — but surely, after several centuries of residence in Volterra, they can be considered naturalized citizens. And they've apparently spent their centuries under a Tuscan sun practicing an upper-crust Brit accent, thus making them even scarier.
Who needs a weapon when you have a squadron of untrained, uncontrollable, semi-psychotic mega-vampires, and also a cute little girl like Bree Tanner?
Victoria is essentially the main villain for half of the Twilight cycle, and you can look at her as a precise mirror image of the saga's heroine. Unlike the monogamous, family-oriented, generally passive Bella, Victoria is a globe-trotting, goal-oriented go-getter who leaves a string of powerful-yet-submissive men in her wake. In Eclipse, she raises her own army, which is kind of like starting your own business. In short, she is the devil.
Sam's fiancée Emily bears scars along the right side of her face, a cruel reminder of a moment when Sam lost control of his werewolf powers. Obviously, the correct thing for Emily to do would probably be to seek a better life in a less violent living situation. Obviously, domestic abuse is wrong, lycanthropy or no lycanthropy. Obviously, Susan B. Anthony would be horrified. But... actually, let's just move on.
Here is the story of Twilight from the perspective of Charlie Swan: His sad-faced daughter Bella arrives in town, and starts spending all her time with a boy from the town's mysterious, wealthy family. She disappears, only to wind up in the hospital a few days later. When the mystery-boy breaks her heart, she spends months in a semi-suicidal state of depression. Then she disappears for a few days again. She has no intention of attending college, nor indeed any apparent goals beyond spending the rest of her life with her boyfriend. In short, Twilight is every parent's nightmare. Parents are so lame.
The Twilight saga is, at a certain level, built on a foundation of collective cultural prurience: We spent three years and four movies waiting for these two young people to just get it on already. But Breaking Dawn serves as a kind of Scared Straight-ish corrective, when Bella becomes pregnant on her honeymoon. Also, the baby is a monster who is slowly killing her. If you want to make sure your teenage daughter never has sex, consider taking them to an exciting holiday double bill at the movie theater: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and We Need to Talk About Kevin.
Medical technology, schmedical technology. For a difficult birth, just depend on the love, attention, and sharp teeth of your family members.
Think about it. You already live with your brothers and your sisters. You know all their habits. Really, why wouldn't you date them? After all, people who aren't exactly like you are so weird.
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven't seen Breaking Dawn — Part 2 and don't want to know any plot points, click here to skip the next slide
The Cullen sibling Alice has the magical ability to read three pages ahead in the screenplay of her own movie. Because she can see the future, she provides the climatic deus ex machina for Breaking Dawn — Part 2, since she can show Aro dying in battle with the Cullen clan. That means she saves pretty much everyone's life...except for poor Irina (Grace), who is killed by the Volturi a couple minutes before Alice appears. Why? Because nuts to you, Maggie Grace, that's why!
Irish people wear newsboy hats and have red hair. Amazon women are tall and mystical. Native Americans are wolf-people who can really commune with nature, y'know? Blonde women are brittle ice queens who live in Alaska. Romanians are all like ''Eyyy, een Old Romania, we were Romanian, yes?'' Pretty much everyone's a noble savage. Except for people in Washington, who wear sweaters.
'Twilight Saga': 15 important life lessons it taught us
Centuries of experience help a relationship; beware ambitious women; never tell your dad anything; and more pearls of wisdom we picked up
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