Trump, probably: 'Nobody is watching the DNC, and all the crowds are TOTALLY FAKE'

As the third night of the Democratic National Convention in Chicago unfolded, Americans had heard only a small amount of whining from GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump.

Since he’s been busy with campaigning and presumably regretting his decision to pick humanoid-programmed-to-annoy JD Vance as his running mate, I took the liberty of writing a MAGA review of the DNC, which Trump is free to use on any of his social media platforms. You’re welcome:

Fellow patriots, it is truly sad to watch the horrible, cheating DEMONRATS gathered in the war-torn, third-world city of Chicago celebrating their Marxist, communist, Maoist, socialist, Leninist, pinko-revolutionary presidential candidate COMRADE Crazy Kooky Kamala.

Nobody is watching this gross, very anti-American display, and all the enormous crowds there and everywhere she goes are TOTALLY FAKE. It’s AI that they’re using, folks. They call it “artificial intelligence,” a term I actually came up with. Nobody was using that until I said, “That is like artificial intelligence” and then everyone said hey, that sounds great, we’ll call it “AI.” Such a strong term.

Tim Walz? I prefer big, beautiful border walls!

On Wednesday night, as our awful nation continued to burn and billions of axe-wielding murderers flooded into your backyards, your once so beautiful backyards, the fools at the DNC were busy introducing the left-wing lunatic Kamala picked as her running mate. They call him Tim Walz, and he’s a real beauty, let me tell you.

We call him “Tampon Tim,” because someone told us to say that. I’m not sure why, really, I don’t even know what “tampon” means. And I don’t care because he’s a radical leftist who will destroy our country and turn our shopping malls into prisons where they’ll lock up their political enemies, especially your favorite president, me.

Tim Walz, they call him. It’s pronounced “walls,” and I have to say, I usually like walls. I built a big one all along our southern border, a huge, strong, beautiful wall, and Mexico paid for it. It was the greatest wall anyone has ever seen. I even had people in Mexico telling me how much they loved that wall. One guy came up to me, big, tough guy, with tears in his eyes, and he said, “Thank you, sir, for this magnificent wall. I love it so much and nobody but you could do it.”

It’s so true.

The DNC is filled with vicious and radical celebrities

But Crooked Joe took down that wall and now nobody cares about Crooked Joe, because they did a massive, totally illegal and very violent coup against him and then picked Comrade Kamala, and now they’re in that deadly city Chicago, which is more dangerous that even Afghanistan, many are saying, and they’re pretending to have big crowds and all sorts of radical, nasty celebrities.

MAGA is failing: Kamala Harris flexes muscles in Milwaukee and Chicago while Trump campaign goes limp

Like Oprah Winfrey, the once great Oprah. And John Legend. These are all celebrities who were BEGGING me to come to the Republican National Convention. They were begging like dogs, saying, “Oh, please, sir, please let us be at your beautiful convention.”

But I told them to go to hell. We had the best people at our convention, from the great Hulk Hogan to superstar Kid Rock to a bunch of Republicans I didn't listen to.

The Democrats are washed-up LOOSERS. They had former AWFUL presidents like Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, along with sad, sad Sleepy Joe.

Who has presidents or former presidents of their own party show up at a convention to support them? I didn’t have that. Why would I want RINOs like George W. Bush or my former vice president and TRAITOR Mike Pence? That would show great weakness!

The polls and the REAL AMERICANS love Trump!

None of it matters, though, because I am so far ahead in the polls, though the FAKE NEWS media won’t report on the ones that show how far ahead I am, but they are definitely real and I will show them to everyone in two weeks.

Keep enjoying your stupid, lame convention, you hateful, cheating Democrats. I and most REAL AMERICANS will not be watching, and I definitely won’t be feeling envious and throwing ketchup at my dumb running mate JD Vance.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Walz gives his speech at the DNC. Here's what Trump would say about it