Survivor recap: Learning to Love Coach

Monty Brinton/CBS

At the start of the season, I picked Brendan to win it all. He seemed like the guy with the brains, brawn, and social skills to go all the way. So, naturally, I rooted for him somewhat so I could look smarter than I actually am in predicting him to be victorious. Until about halfway through this episode, that is. And then I was done with him. Why, you ask? You know why! The crime in question — a crime punishable by immediate death in the game — was when Brendan decided to try to strike up an alliance with J.T. Nothing inherently wrong with that. But it was his reason for wanting to align with J.T. that was so infuriating. It wasn’t to get himself farther, it was to get J.T. to the finals. Brendan realized that he couldn’t beat J.T. in the finals, but wanted to bring him there anyway! Why? “Me winning in this game is about getting to an outcome at the end of the game that is going to satisfy me,” explained Brendan. “If he wins it, that’s like me winning this game.” No. No, it’s not. Not in the least, in fact! This reeked of Colby Donaldsonism (another rugged, attractive guy who made an awful strategic decision in taking Tina to the finals). Don’t get me wrong — statements like this show that Brendan is most likely a great guy, but I’m not interested in rooting for someone who isn’t even interested in winning. It’s a freakin’ reality TV show where they’re giving away money, not ethics 101! It’s also something of an insult to the thousands of people who would scratch, claw, and much worse to be able to get on the show and have a chance to win. You don’t care, Brendan? Than neither do we.

Just to be absolutely clear — I like Brendan. Would love to go out and grab a beer (or weird nature food or whatever the hell he’s into) with the guy. But having sleepless nights worrying about “How do I get J.T. to the finals?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Sleepless nights? I can’t even express how frustrating that was to hear. But you know what the good news is? According to my man Coach, “no matter how bad it gets in your life, there is always something that’s gonna make it much worse.” (How’s that for a truly ass-backward inspirational motto?) Coach then attempted to illustrate upon the point by telling everyone how once when he was in the Amazon he was attacked by some tiny natives who tied him up and…wait a minute. I’ve heard this story before. It’s Gulliver’s Travels! The dude is totally ripping off Lilliput! But he made the Lilliputians extra nasty in his version, accusing them of beating him with a club, until he escaped and paddled away. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, of course you did, Coach. Let me just say this here and now, and be absolutely 100 percent clear when I say it: That is one of the most idiotic freakin’ stories I have ever heard in my entire life. You seriously expect them (and us) to believe that you were attacked by Peruvian dwarfs? Again, Peruvian dwarfs! But you know what the most unlikely part of the entire story was? When he added that National Geographic wanted to follow him on his adventure but he turned them down. Coach saying no to cameras? Not bloody likely!

NEXT: Why Coach should win…seriously

Coach has become pure comedy at this point. I spoke with Probst a few weeks back and when the subject of Coach came up he said, “You really don’t like him, do you?” And I went on listing all the reasons why he was so hateful. But you know what? I was wrong! And do you know what my big mistake was? It was the mistake of taking Coach seriously as a human being. The guy is a cartoon character and can really only be considered as such. And, as a result, I’m actually rooting for the guy to win now! And so should you, because if he does win IT WILL BE THE FUNNIEST THING TO HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION! (Other than the entire first season of Paradise Hotel, of course.) Seriously, imagine the speech he’d give. Imagine the preening. Imagine the hilarious new nicknames he’d bestow upon himself. And imagine the stories he’d tell of how he had to kill an entire army of aliens from the planet Zamboofoo who beamed down in the middle of the final Tribal Council to try and put a stop to his awesomeness which was becoming an increasing threat to rest of the galaxy.

Coach is suddenly money. Every single second. Another clip of him meditating alongside soaring birds and ancient eastern music? Money. Him discussing how you won’t find Chong Ram (sp?) on Google because “it’s only passed down verbally”? Money. His Tribal Council claim that the attacking natives wanted to “eat my ass”? That’s the whole U.S. Mint right there. The same way I rooted for Sanjaya on American Idol and Master P on Dancing with the Stars, I’m now rooting for Coach…excuse me, I mean the “Dragon Slayer.” Coach actually showed surprising restraint in only referring to himself as that 387 times this hour. He also went on to explain that Brendan was the dragon and that Sierra was “the bowel movements that come out of the dragon.” Sooooo, does that mean that if you vote her out next you will be the “Dragon S— Slayer”? Not quite as catchy. Might want to think of a new name for Sierra.

In non-Coach related news, Erinn spent some time down by the water with J.T. trying to bond and make an alliance with the good ol’ southern boy. In fact, everyone on Timbira wants a piece of J.T. Talk about being belle of the ball! First Coach and Tyson make a beeline for him, then Erinn makes her play, and then Brendan and Sierra both get huge crushes on the toothless wonder. And it was pretty much the same deal back on Jalapao: Everyone wanted a piece of J.T. What sort of sick mojo is this guy packin’?

He’d need all the mojo he could get if he was hoping to win the reward challenge and go on a big white water rafting getaway. J.T. and Brendan were upset that everyone was breaking their team’s tiles. “Why’s everyone going after the black team?” J.T, whined. “Your team is a little stacked,” explained Erinn to which Brendan protested, “We’re throwing underhand and breaking tiles, none of us have ever done this in our lives.” We all knew what to expect next. “I have!” piped up Coach. Unfortunately the editors cut out the rest of his response, which no doubt went something along the lines of, “The last time I threw underhand to break tiles I was being chased by a rowdy posse of breakdancing moose. I then challenged one of the moose to an arm wrestling contest, knowing that moose’s sharp hooves gave him a distinct advantage but that I could control the animal with my mind using the ancient art of Makingcrapuppity — don’t bother Googling it, by the way. You can only learn it by studying at a monastery.”

NEXT: Everyone lying to everyone else

In any event, Coach’s experience didn’t do him a whole lot of good, as Brendan, J.T. (and Debbie) won anyway, allowing the two men to do some bonding over chicken wings and raging rapids. And I’m going to get too angry all over again if I talk any more about it, so let’s just proceed on to the immunity challenge before I blow a gasket. (Oh yeah, congrats on making fire while stranded by yourself, Stephen. Janu would be very proud of you.) The contestants were threaded to a rope on an obstacle course. First three through make it to stage 2. First one through the second stage wins the whole thing. Not too exciting (unless you like seeing Coach flummoxed by something that he no doubt would talk himself up as a big expert on, and yes, I do like that), and it finally came down to a battle between Tyson and Brendan with the cocky blond winning the oversized necklace (and thereby providing Coach with another opportunity to refer to himself as the Dragon Slayer.) By the way, if I were a Survivor producer, I would totally mess with Coach all the time in the confessional interviews, constantly asking him “Say, what’s that cool nickname you gave yourself?” “You mean the Dragon Slayer?” “That is so awesome. You totally are the Dragon Slayer. You slay, man. You slay!”“Yes! Exactly! I do slay. I’m constantly slaying! Wanna be my Assistant Dragon Slayer?“

There was a smorgasbord of strategizing going on back at camp after the challenge. Tyson checked with everyone to make sure they knew who was voting for Brendan and who was voting for Sierra (to protect them should Brendan pull out the hidden immunity idol), while Brendan than worked J.T. and Stephen to join him in ousting Coach. Basically, everyone thought they were blindsiding everyone else. My favorite scene was when Brendan, Sierra, Coach, and Tyson all converged around the fire to discuss how they were all going to vote out J.T. What was so wonderful about this is that usually on Survivor you have a scene where one group is telling the truth and the other is lying, but here everyone was lying to everyone else. It was all delicious, and never more so than when Coach decided to go all freakin’ Harry Potter on us by referring to himself as “the Chosen One.” Wait, what happened to the Dragon Slayer? You spent so much time promoting that nickname, you can’t suddenly change course and now go for Chosen One! Everyone will get confused. That’s just poor marketing skills is what that is.

But Coach saved his best for Tribal Council. Clearly tipped off by producers as to Coach’s insane nighttime boasting, Probst asked who around camp was telling the best campfire tales. After hearing from Taj all about the adventure, Probst inquired, “Coach, this really happened, or is a movie version of what you want to have happen?” Instead of backing down like any normal human, Coach decided to step up his insanity even more! He said he had, in fact, toned down — not exaggerated, but toned down — his comments to the tribe, and that the pint-sized Peruvians had actually wanted to “eat my ass.” Again, “eat my ass.” I’m pretty sure they don’t even allow such language on our message boards, but apparently that’s what was coming out of the mouths of the Amazonians. Coach then went on to say how he’d been in “5,6,7, or 8 life or death situations.” Once again, when given a chance by Probst to backtrack, he increased it! “Probably more than that. I’ve been through a hurricane, I’ve been attacked by a shark, had a run-in with a crocodile, got captured by the Indian tribe.” (Wait, now they’re Indians?) See this is precisely what makes Coach so genius. Tyson says crazy stuff to get a laugh, but Coach says crazy stuff BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY! And all of a sudden, I can’t get enough.

NEXT: Buh-bye, Brendan

Of course, the big question at Tribal Council was whether the Jalapaoians would side with Coach and Tyson or Brendan and Sierra. Brendan made the curious move of telling everyone he had the hidden immunity idol…and then not using it. Coach cast his vote for Brendan, giving him one last opportunity (for this week, at least) to praise himself as the Dragon Slayer, while also throwing in some ancient samurai mumbo-jumbo for good measure. In the end, it was Brendan who paid the price for not shoring up his Exile Island alliance sooner, which almost assuredly would have saved him. He obviously didn’t see it coming: Not only did he not use the idol, but he didn’t even bring his bag to Tribal. Just his last in a long line of mistakes. But then again, you can’t blame him: If a tribe of crazed ass-eating Peruvians can’t bring down Coach, how could a single man (or dragon) have a chance? So to my episode 1 pick to win it all, I say this: You seem like a great guy, Brendan, but after some of your missteps and lack of killer instinct, I, for one, will not spend any sleepless nights over your ouster.

I’m sure you all are dying to kill me for my Coach obsession, but before you do, a few programming notes.Jeff Probst is, as always, breaking it all down in his EW.com blog so go read what he has to say about the latest episode. And we have another exclusive deleted scene waiting for you right below so make sure to click on that to gain a little extra insight. Also, Survivor Talk will be up on Friday afternoon or over the weekend, so keep an eye open for that as I grill Brendan for his Survivor sins. And lastly, don’t forget that we’re giving away free passes to Comic-Con this July in San Diego (and a hotel room and passes to our exclusive EW Comic-Con party). Go to Must List Live! to win and hang out with geek royalty.

Okay, did Brendan disappoint you in the end as much as he did me? Did J.T. and Stephen pick the right side to align with? And is Coach the most positively ludicrous reality contestant ever? The message boards are open for business. Get postin’!

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