I Started a One Direction Stan Account to Find My Tribe. I’ve Revived It to Process Liam Payne’s Death
After nearly half a decade spent obsessively keeping up with One Direction in my youth, one of the first things I did after finding out Liam Payne died in Buenos Aires on Oct. 16 was re-open the Twitter (now X) fan account I dedicated to the band in 2012.
To my surprise, I wasn’t the only one who had returned. My timeline was just as flooded as it was during the band’s glory years, but now with words of comfort, and old videos of the group doing or saying silly things. Some fellow fans wondered if the news of his death was true, despite the countless reports confirming that it was. And for the first time in four years, One Direction was active on Instagram, with a statement signed by all of the boys — but surreally, including Zayn (who’d left in 2015), and without Payne.
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It’s been nearly a decade since the band officially announced they would be embarking on an “indefinite” hiatus, which at the time almost felt like their way of letting us down as easily as they possibly could. The shellshock of Zayn leaving the group was still fresh and disorienting, not just for the fans, but for the remaining members, as they’ve all since admitted in various interviews. In the years that followed, each member would have a different response to the question of a reunion, but it was never a solid “no.” They still felt they had the time to grow as individuals, and like the rest of the fandom, they anticipated a reunion would happen at some point — “I’m [waiting] to be a bit more mature, a bit less bitter about all of it… time heals all wounds,” Louis Tomlinson said in 2019.
On the evening of Oct. 16, just hours after Payne’s death was confirmed, I spent much of my time on the phone, reconnecting with old friends I haven’t seen or heard from in over a decade. A lot of them are working in the entertainment industry, some are celebrating engagements and babies, but in speaking with them this week, it felt like no time had passed. I want to say it felt like we were kids again, because in a way, it did — the only difference was the cloud of nuanced grief looming over our heads.
For the five years that the band was together and thriving, we had shared a special togetherness, the collective excitement of coming home from school with the sole purpose of logging onto Twitter just to see what the boys had been up to that day. In 2012, online stan culture was beginning to peak, and many tools were at our disposal. The boys would often go live, asking fans to send them questions while they waited in their hotel rooms between shows. They were always affectionate with each other, providing us with so many funny moments that you’ll find mountains of compilation videos with millions of views online, with comments still flooding in year after year.
My introduction to this world came when I met Sydney Green. The band brought us together — we were the only One Direction fans in our middle school — and I would often watch as she live-tweeted through awards shows and album releases, and as she quickly amassed a following that looked to her for everyday updates. I started my account on Twitter shortly after. We were both 12.
“The band was constantly giving us content — there was never a moment of silence,” Green said on Thursday. “That community provided me with a closeness and friendships that I had never experienced before. It also made me a more open-minded person, because I had easy access to all kinds of people, with different lives and experiences.”
When I got to high school, I connected with Angela Henderson, who’d started following One Direction in 2011 after joining a Facebook community for Los Angeles-based superfans. I learned that she was an only child, though I would have never guessed it, since she had the energy and wisdom of a big sister.
“I’m the person I am today because of the girls I met through having this shared interest,” she says. “So much love and kindness was spread… it felt so magical and pure. It helped me get out of bed most days.”
Arianna Gonzalez, now a Latin music publicist, vividly remembers the day she asked her father to open a Twitter account for her when she was 10. “Twitter was the place to be if you wanted to keep tabs on the boys,” she says. “While my love for the band definitely kept me invested, what really kept me going back was the sense of community I fostered through that Twitter fan account. Back then, many of us were belittled or looked down on for being so obsessed with these ‘strangers,’ but the community gave me a way to instantly connect with like-minded people who understood.”
Green, who now works in social media and content creation, has been processing Payne’s death, but also, “I’m grieving the loss of a piece of my life,” she says. “Those were the happiest years of my life, with friends that I’ll never forget — even if we don’t talk anymore. Those were still my best friends, whether we hung out in person or not.”
Navid Ghannad credits One Direction for opening the door to his career in public relations, “but the boys also impacted me personally,” he says. “They were my first safe space when coming to terms with my sexuality. My support for them was never a secret, and I never wanted it to be, but they helped me come to terms with myself. [With Payne’s death], I’m also grieving my 13 year-old self, who felt so much safety and security in such a tight-knit space.”
When someone credits a band or a celebrity or an artist with saving their life, it’s a tricky concept to comprehend, let alone explain. It’s not just the person, but the art, the music, the kinds of people they bring together that reignites a passion that can make life feel colorful again, despite the loss or the nuance of our grief. Because for us, this went beyond parasocial relationships, and in mourning Payne, we are also revisiting a less-complicated time of our lives.
“Honestly and truly, this community gave me everything,” says Henderson. “After finding so many reasons to not want to exist here anymore, it felt like this community gave me a fresh new reason to stay. That’s a shared feeling for so many other fans as well, and it feels comforting to know that I’m not alone in that.”
Thania Garcia is Variety‘s associate music editor.
With special thanks to Alethea Freidberg, Jackie Garcia and Abby Harari.
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