20 Predictions For 2023 That Will Probably Not Happen, But Like, Imagine

We did it, folks: 2023. How? I don't know. Chaos rules. Time is fleeting. Still, there are two things I am certain this year will hold: 1) I will write "2022" as the day's date long beyond when is socially acceptable, and 2) There will be more utterly bananas pop culture moments to see us through.

So, I asked my pop culture colleagues what they think is in store for this year. We gazed into our BuzzFeed-branded crystal ball* and came up with the following:

*To be clear, this is not real...yet.

1.Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox will get married. An element of the ceremony will involve some kind of BDSM and/or religious imagery that gets certain people very annoyed.

2.Kim Kardashian will tease that she is back together with Pete Davidson. He will actually be dating someone else, possibly Jenna Ortega. Drew Barrymore will hang out with Pete.

3.Kylie Jenner will announce a break from her relationship with Travis Scott following a scandal, such as a paternity scandal. Privately, they will resume as they were.

4.A major Kar-Jenner secret will be revealed via North's TikTok. Possible predictions: Khloé and Tristan back together again, Kendall lying about charity work, Kim having a body double for events she does not want to go to, or the aforementioned Kylie/Travis split sham.

5.Meanwhile, Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian will release a sex toy line that somehow also touts wellness properties. There will be a Kardashians subplot about them considering finding a third, but ultimately they are simply too horny for one another.

6.Elon Musk will tweet self-incriminating information and/or a nude.

7.The Nick Cannon backlash will intensify. A cult or cult-like entity may be involved. He will once again make a plea to get back with Mariah Carey.

8.M3GAN will release a notes app apology.

9.Lea Michele will read a children's book on television à la Reading Rainbow. The hype on the illiteracy theories will have passed but never entirely fade.

10.Alyson Stoner and/or Christy Carlson Romano will release a tell-all Disney memoir. See also: the Olsen twins announcing a documentary.

11.Paris Hilton will join RHOBH. Jennifer Lawrence will appear on a Real Housewives episode.

12.Nicki Minaj and Cardi B will appear to make up, but the peace will be short-lived.

13.Beyoncé will be the first Black woman since Lauryn Hill to win the Grammy for Album of the Year. If she does not win, then every artist will say the award should have gone to her in their acceptance speech.

14.Harry Styles will be roasted on TikTok for his comments on My Policeman and the Oscars, regardless of whether or not his role is actually nominated.

15.The alleged Don't Worry Darling spit will be re-created at the Oscars. It will be cringe.

16.New music: We'll get a new Rihanna album and the re-release of Taylor Swift's 1989. There will also be an unexpected foray into club anthems that will be critically panned but a cult hit nonetheless, likely from Julia Fox.

17.Also, RiRi's baby will make an appearance at the Super Bowl in some form.

18.Someone will use the Met Gala to protest Karl Lagerfeld. The response will be polarizing.

19.A PA or otherwise close employee of Jennifer Lopez's will release a tell-all interview, alleging more star sign–based rules. She will respond via her exclusive newsletter.

20.Finally, the whale tail resurgence will reach its natural ass-out conclusion, likely spearheaded by Julia Fox or Kendall Jenner.

What are your predictions for this year? LMK in the comments!