People Are Sharing Stories About The "Stupidest Person" They've Met, And I'm Wheezing Between Laughs
Once upon a time, on the internet, someone told the story of their student, Kevin. Kevin was — well, not very smart. As in, "Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals." So, here are some more stories about the "Kevins" in other people's lives, from the BuzzFeed Community and from the r/StoriesAboutKevin subreddit.
1.The Kevin who could understand Mandarin:
"Pretty sure my sister is a Kevin. There are at least a dozen stories like this.
We were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, and the waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order in English. Kevin looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, 'I understood everything she said!'
My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English."
—u/aBeaconUnder
2.The tech genius:
"For a presentation, he wanted to print a video onto paper. When the printer finished printing just a screenshot of YouTube, he was almighty about, 'Wow the library printers sure are old, they can't print video yet.'
When I asked him what the f*** he was talking about, he mentioned that if we printed a video into our presentation the teacher would be more impressed. When I tried telling him that it was impossible, his response was, 'Dude, how do you think they do it in the Harry Potter movies then?'"
—u/captainjawz
3.The bartender:
"I’m a server/bartender, and I once worked with a kid who had to ask me what was in a Jack and Coke. He was headed to Yale in the fall."
4.The curious mind:
"I worked at the zoo and had a woman ask me why the baby chimpanzee was smaller than the adult chimpanzees. I told her several times it was because it was a baby...nothing. I do not know how else I could have explained it to her. I'm not even joking when I tell you the whole group she was with groaned when she asked me that question ??."
5.The walking punchline to "How many Kevins does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"My old roommate was a Kevin! Sweetest person you’ll ever meet, but I really don’t know how she’s surviving out there right now. She once texted me, warning me that the light switch was broken in our bathroom and that we needed to get ahold of the landlord. I went home, changed the lightbulb, and it miraculously worked again."
6.The reader:
"So my brother used to work at McDonalds. On his very first shift, he was staring at the menu board absolutely baffled on and off for about an hour.
Eventually, his manager came and asked him what was up, and Kevin responded, 'What's A.D.D. bacon?'
The manager looked baffled for a moment before bursting out laughing, 'You mean add bacon? Like add bacon to a burger?"
Kevin — having a lightbulb finally go off in his head — was like, "Ohhh it's the word add hahahaha thanks.'
He came home and proudly told everyone this funny story."
—u/Hanzz96
7.The mathematician:
"Kevina’s mother runs a Subway fast food franchise that my friend frequents with his partner and daughter. For reasons that are not entirely clear, teenage Kevina got kicked out of school. To help her occupy her time, Kevina is now a trainee 'sandwich artist' at her mother’s Subway franchise.My friend, his partner, and his daughter usually buy one footlong sub and ask to have it cut into thirds so they can share it. Usually, that isn’t a problem, but this time Kevina was serving them. She assembled the sub (doing a pretty poor job of it) and then cut it in half. Her mother/supervisor told her to do it again.So Kevina assembled another sub, and proceeded to cut it into quarters. At this point, my friend was covering his mouth as it gaped in disbelief. Kevina’s mother/supervisor explained to her that cutting the sub into quarters won’t help when the customer wants to share it between three people.Unperturbed, Kevina took away one quarter of the sub and said, 'OK, now they can share it between three people!' Her mother/supervisor attempted to explain that a customer won’t be happy if they don’t get the whole sub they paid for.We’re now wondering about two things:Firstly, how does someone make it to their teens without understanding fractions?Secondly, was the real reason Kevina got kicked out of school due to frustration with incredibly poor academic performance?"
—u/cuavas
8.The hair remover:
"Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevins. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor, and lay in it.
I can picture all 6’4”, 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom.
He gets in the shower, rinses it off, and then goes about his day. He went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out, our son asked why he had a bald spot on the back of his head.
OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald 3 shape on the back of his head. After a few more days, more hair fell out, and it was a perfect 8."
9.The cart-before-the-horse Kevin:
"In my school, we had to do about six to eight months of social service before graduation. I — being an edgy teenager — decided to do mine in a funeral home. [Kevin] confessed to me he wouldn't have the guts to work at a place where they kill people."
—u/captainjawz
10.The (overly) cautious one:
"This took place over a decade ago, when I was 17. I was getting my A Levels from a high school in India (I’m Indian). There was this Kevin who was a part of our group. Very funny guy. He had a lot of non-Kevin moments as well. But most of the time, he was a complete Kevin; I can’t be sure if he was playing dumb for laughs or just really dumb at times.
At that time, the [emergency contraceptive] pill that was easily available cost like 2.50 USD, was called something like 'Pill 72,' and had two pills in it. The first pill had to be taken within 72 hours of sexual activity and the second had to be taken 12 hours after the first. So we all knew that because it was mentioned in the little booklet that came in the box.
Well, one day, Kevin and his girl lost their virginities to each other. Of course, they used no protection at all. Kevin and his girl were at my boyfriend’s house, and we were all chilling. A guy from another couple bought the pill(s) for Kevin’s girl and handed them over for her to take.Kevin, like the gentleman he was, opened the packaging for her, poured her a glass of water, and gave her a pill in her hand. Then, to our horror and amusement, he takes the second pill, pops it into his own mouth, and then proclaims 'done.'It took us the next half hour to explain that he wasn’t supposed to take it; it was meant only for her. He still couldn’t understand. We made him read the booklet, we tried to find a video for him to watch. He was still unconvinced. It got to the point where someone ran down to get his girl another pill for her to take 12 hours later.I heard he took the 2nd pill again, 'just to be safe.' In fact, the next time they used the pill, they bought two, and he took one set and she took the other. We tried to talk sense into the girl, and she said, 'Just go with it.'"
—u/Head2Heels
11.The apiarist:
"When I was in eighth grade, my teacher struggled mightily to convince a Kevina that bees are pretty much normal insects, but when they sting you, they’re injecting a toxin that hurts as a defense mechanism.
Kevina did not believe her. Instead, she thought that bees buzzed because they obviously contained electricity, and the sting was, therefore, actually an electric shock."
—u/SaturnCats
12.The time-traveler:
"So a few co-workers in a different department than mine were talking together and one brings up how there is already snow in Idaho. One of them shows the other a photo on their phone and says, 'I can't believe there's already snow in Idaho. It's October!'
Now, Kevin is within earshot of this conversation and decides to chime in.
'But it's not October in Idaho yet...'
Kevin thinks states are in different months.
The other two are just flabbergasted and it takes them a moment to process what they just heard before they can tell him how wrong he is."
—u/deleted
13.The conservationist:
"My friend's wife is a Kevin. He told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them.
Her: 'That's terrible!'
Him: 'Why is it terrible?'
Her: 'They'll sell all the frozen ones and then people will start killing mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they'll all be extinct!'
—u/solo954
14.The door pushers:
"A couple years ago, I worked at a cafe and met my fair share of... interesting people, but this couple takes the cake when it comes to sheer stupidity. For some quick context, the main entrance to the cafe is a door you just have to pull in order to open.
I was cleaning up the coffee machine when I looked out the glass wall to see a man and a woman approach the cafe. The woman tries to push open the door.
It doesn't work.
I figure she just did that classic thing where you're not sure which way the door opens and just try pushing first since it requires less effort than pulling. So I don't think much of it and just get ready for when they enter.
She pushes the door again.
Okay. Maybe she figured the door was just stuck. I mean, that happens every now and then, right?
I'm about to go help when I see the man walk past her with that 'I got this' look on his face. He confidently places his hand on the handle and...
...he pushes.
He looks genuinely surprised and tries again. And again. And again. Each time, he gets more forceful, at one point slamming his shoulder against the glass door. The two are so preoccupied with this door that they don't even notice me staring dumbfounded at them the whole time, other than being, you know, helpful.
Eventually, I figure that if I don't help, they'll either leave or break the door, so I push myself from the counter to go there and help them. That's when they spot an open sliding door on the other side of the cafe, leading to the outside tables, which are very popular at that time of the year, and decide to go around and squeeze past all the guests sitting there and enjoying their meals.
When they finally made it through, it's as if the stars and planets aligned perfectly. They look towards the main entrance to see an old man approach, place a hand on the handle, and... pull the door open with no effort.
It had been an absolutely uneventful day up until that point, so I had to ask a coworker who didn't witness this to handle them, and I just walked into the back to laugh."
15.And finally, this:
"She was incredibly book-smart. Maths, chemistry, biology — absolutely spot on, straight As. She struggled with physics and English, and it puzzled her teachers as the skills she needed to pass she could obviously utilise given her grades in other subjects.
The highlights from our time were:
— She put tinfoil in the microwave, and it caught fire. She put the microwave in the kitchen sink and turned on the tap to put the fire out. While it was still plugged in.
— She was having trouble with geography and the teacher was trying to explain and failed. Eventually, the teacher resorted to basics and asked her to point north. Kevina pointed to the ceiling.
— If you asked Kevina directions, she'd have to hold her hands up to 'look for the L for left.' Fair enough, a lot of people struggle with that and use that trick. Kevina would do it with her palms facing her.
— We watched a movie together once, and about halfway through, I realised she shared her name with the main actress and pointed it out. Her reply: 'Really?! What's her name?!'
—u/samanthuhh
Got a story like this? Feel free to leave it in the comments or using this anonymous form, and your story might be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post or video!
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