Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes Monologue: Her Meanest Jokes
OK, so she wasn’t that mean.
Yet comedian Nikki Glaser nonetheless had some cutting jokes when making her debut as the host of the Golden Globes. Glaser managed to walk the line between mocking many celebrities in the room while stopping short of going into Full Roast Mode. Some of her targets included Timothée Chalamet, Harrison Ford, Nicole Kidman, Ben Affleck, Wicked and Joker 2. She also made a couple political jabs (such as one about Robert F. Kennedy Jr.).
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Below is a rundown of Glaser’s best jokes from her 10-minute opening monologue for the 82nd Golden Globe Awards (the video is below, as well).
— “Welcome to the Golden Globes, Ozempic’s biggest night! … This feels like I finally made it. I’m in a room full of producers at The Beverly Hilton and this time all of my clothes are on. It was worth it.”
— “I’m not here to roast you. And how could I? You’re all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you could really do anything — except tell the country who to vote for. But it’s OK. You’ll get them next time!”
— “Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch — these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.”
— “Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune. I woke up for all of your scenes. And Challengers? That was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card. The afterparty is not going to be as good this year, but we have to move on. I know ‘Stanley Tucci Freakoff’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
— “If you’re watching on CBS, hello. If you’re watching this on Paramount+, you have six days left to cancel your free trial … Tonight, we celebrate the best of film — and hold space for television.”
— “I look out and I see some of the hardest working actors in show business — and by that, I mean your servers.”
— “Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated this year for her role as Timothée Chalamet … Timothée Chalamet, you have the most gorgeous eyelashes — on your upper lip. That is such a good look. You were so good and in A Complete Unknown as Bob Dylan. I read that your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan admitted that it was absolutely horrible.”
— “I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school … Everyone loved Wicked. I loved Wicked. My boyfriend loved Wicked. My boyfriend’s boyfriend really loved Wicked.”
— “In Wicked, some people complained that the movie was ruined by people singing. And then in Joker 2, some people complained that the movie was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them. I’m sorry, Joker 2. Where’s their table? Oh, they’re not here.”
— “The legendary Harrison Ford is here tonight. I was talking to Harrison backstage and after he gave me his drink order. I said, ‘Would you rather work with Zendaya or Ariana?’ And he said, ‘indica.'”
— “The Bear, The Penguin, Baby Reindeer. These are not just things found in R.F.K.’s freezer. These are TV shows nominated tonight.”
— “Nicole Kidman is here for Babygirl. That movie was so good, I give it two fingers up. Nicole, this is your 20th Golden Globe nomination. I mean, incredible. Thank you so much for all of your hard work. And thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year.”
— “Eddie Redmayne did TV this year. He’s nominated for Peacock’s The Day of the Jackal. It’s about a top-secret elite sniper who no one can see — because he’s on Peacock.”
— “This is going be a very memorable evening, and maybe not even in the way that you think. I predict five years from now, when you’re watching old clips of this show on YouTube, you’ll see someone in one of the crowd shots, and you’ll go, ‘Oh my God, that was before they caught that guy.’ It could be a woman, you know. I think 100 percent of the time it’s a man. But it could be a woman.”
— “Emilia Pérez earned 10 nominations for Netflix, and I loved it. I think it is, without a doubt, the most audacious, groundbreaking film to ever autoplay after Is It Cake?“
— “Selena Gomez is here as double nominee tonight … and she’s here tonight with her new fiance, Benny Blanco. And Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish.”
— “Glen Powell, you were in everything. Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist. I’ll see you tonight.”
— “I do want to remind you, if you do lose tonight, please just keep in mind that the point of making art is not to win an award. The point of making art is to start a brand of tequila that’s so popular you never have to make art again.”
In the lead-up to the awards, Glaser gave several thoughts to the media about her hosting gig and teased her plan for the monologue, which she assured wouldn’t be as rough as her typical roast material.
In her typical hyper-analytical style, the comedian — who has several streaming specials and plenty of roast gigs under her belt — said she was going to try to tightrope walk between funny and appropriate.
“I am doing what I was hired to do, which is — I got this because of the [Netflix] Tom Brady roast,” she told Yahoo Entertainment. “That is not lost on me. So I’m going to bring that to this for sure. It’s not gonna be watered down, [but] the tone will be different for this.”
“I’m not gonna go so hard that anyone’s gonna be offended,” she added. “I’ve made a point not to, and that’s not to disappoint anyone who’s hoping I’m going to pull a Ricky Gervais. I’m not Ricky Gervais. This isn’t my last Golden Globes, this is my first one. He really went hard on his last one. He was ready to burn some bridges [because] it didn’t matter anymore.”
(Gervais, by and by, tweeted the two jokes he would have chosen to open the show with.)
Glaser added that she wasn’t going to make any jokes about the It Ends With Us scandal, even though that’s been a Hollywood obsession over the past couple weeks. “I think the Blake Lively–Justin Baldoni thing is such a hot-button thing right now that even a mere mention of it will seem like I could be on the wrong side of things, even though I would never be,” she said. “I also don’t want to give his name any — I’m mad I even know his name, to be honest with you, so I don’t need to say it anymore.”
Glaser was also nominated for an award — for best performance in stand-up comedy on television category for her HBO special Someday You’ll Die.
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