Nicole Kidman wakes up 'crying and gasping' over mortality, loss of her parents
Nicole Kidman has been thinking about death.
In a conversation with GQ, the Oscar-winning actress, whose mother died this year, said she sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night crying, in part due to thoughts about mortality and the loss of her parents.
"Mortality. Connection. Life coming and hitting you," she told the magazine. "And loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human. I'm in all of those places. So life is, whew. It's definitely a journey."
Taking what GQ described as a "sharp, dramatic breath" in the middle of the sentence, Kidman, 57, added that this "hits you as you get older," and "it's a wake up at 3 am crying and gasping kind of thing. If you're in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I'm in it. Fully in it."
Kidman's mother Janelle died in September at age 84. Her father died in 2014.
In the GQ interview, the "Big Little Lies" actress reflected on her father's death and recalled a moment she was with her young daughter, who thought her grief was just acting. Kidman shares two children with her husband Keith Urban. She also has two kids with her ex-husband Tom Cruise.
Nicole Kidman speaks out after death of mother Janelle
"The little one was just so little that she didn’t know whether I was acting or not," she said. "She said, 'Mummy acting now?' And the older one was like, 'No, mummy not acting now.' But the older one was like, 'You won't be sad in the morning?' Because they don't want a house full of sadness. Who does?"
But Kidman said she forces herself to push through the pain for her children. "It goes on," she told GQ. "That natural line of how it's meant to go. The parents, then you, then the children. That's the natural course. So if that happens, that's a blessing."
Nicole Kidman misses Venice best actress win after mom's death: 'I'm in shock'
Kidman learned her mother died in September just as she was about to be awarded the prestigious Volpi Cup for best actress at the Venice Film Festival for her movie "Babygirl." At the ceremony, director Halina Reijn read a statement from Kidman saying that she found out about the death of her "beautiful, brave" mother shortly after arriving in Venice.
"I'm in shock and I have to go to my family," the statement said. "But this award is for her. She shaped me, she guided me and she made me."
After reading the statement, Reijn expressed condolences, telling the actress, "We love you all, Nicole."
Kidman later thanked fans for their support in an Instagram post.
"My sister and I along with our family want to thank you for the outpouring of love and kindness we have felt this week," she wrote.
"Every message we have received from those who loved and admired our Mother has meant more to us than we will ever be able to express. Thank you from our whole family for respecting our privacy as we take care of each other."
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Nicole Kidman opens up about mortality, loss of her parents