‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ Review: Rose Byrne Is Brilliantly Unhinged in a Chaotic Maternal-Meltdown Drama
Most folks seek escapism when going to the movies, while others get off on seeing other people’s anxiety, drawing either catharsis or comedy from the idea that someone else has it worse. Sporting a poisoned-fortune-cookie title like “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” there can be little question as to which category best describes Mary Bronstein’s stress-fueled second feature. With her husband away and her daughter hooked up to a constantly beeping medical device, exasperated Linda (Rose Byrne) may be going out of her mind, but Bronstein puts us squarely inside it, as the walls close in, the ceiling collapses and the floor buckles beneath her.
An A24 release forged in much the same mold as “Good Time” or “Uncut Gems” (which Bronstein’s partner Ronnie co-wrote), the Safdie-esque — but refreshingly female-centered — indie movie could be “Mommy No-Legs” to those guys’ crazy-making “Daddy Longlegs”: a virtuosic portrait of mental unraveling that uses every tool in the director’s arsenal to re-create an end-of-the-world feeling on the most intimate of scales. Delivering a feverish, raw-nerve performance sure to go down as one of the year’s greats, Byrne has never had a role even remotely this intense to prepare us for the kind of emotional acrobatics her writer-director has in store.
More from Variety
Like Bronstein’s little-watched 2008 debut “Yeast” (which paired the mumblecore multi-hyphenate with Greta Gerwig), her oppressive, zero-oxygen new film is shot mostly in close-up, holding tight on Byrne’s face as Linda juggles more than she can handle. The movie doesn’t explain those pressures, but instead throws us directly into the deep end with its protagonist, whose “job” as mother of a high-maintenance child (Delaney Quinn) registers long before her job-job as a guidance counselor at the Center for Psychological Arts and Mom Talk.
In theory, Linda should have all the skills one needs to deal with an unnamed, on-the-spectrum daughter, who is barely seen — but often heard, asking histrionic questions from the back seat or nearby room — until the very end, when cinematographer Christopher Messina (who worked as a camera operator on “Good Time”) finally reveals the kid’s face. Hidden until then, the girl seems almost like a manifestation of Linda’s feelings, from imminent meltdown to resentment of her absentee husband (a pragmatic-sounding Christian Slater, who checks in by phone) to an overall inadequacy as a mother.
That latter subject — and the tradition-challenging conclusion that follows, whereby modern women may pursue some higher calling than parenthood — has been an increasingly common theme in recent films made by women, from Marielle Heller’s “Nightbitch” to Maggie Gyllenhaal’s “The Lost Daughter.” Here, Linda wrestles with not only the notion that “I’m one of those people who’s not supposed to be a mom,” but also the fear that she could do something reckless, like smother her own child — an idea that’s echoed in media coverage of murdering moms that plays on the film’s margins, with soundbites that suggest “untreated mental illness is to blame.”
Too on-the-nose to be foreboding, such clips offer a window into Linda’s mindset, as do antagonistic sessions with her therapist (and co-worker), amusingly played by Conan O’Brien with a look of constant gastric discomfort on his face that suggest her concerns may be giving him ulcers. Bronstein doesn’t let on right away the ironic detail that Linda is trained to give the kind of advice she requires — though it’s clear from her conversations with various medical professionals that she has the vocabulary to understand what she’s going through.
That could in fact be making things worse, since Linda has a tendency to outthink or otherwise challenge the people trying to help her (while the dream she describes in session implies that she has an unresolved crush on O’Brien’s character). Meanwhile, she has no patience for her own patients, who include “Patti Cake$” breakout Danielle Macdonald as another anxious mom, Ella Beatty as a vapid millennial and Safdie-adjacent “Funny Pages” star Daniel Zolghadri as a needy man-child.
While not everyone here is nuts, the word “normal” doesn’t remotely apply to any of Bronstein’s characters — not even James (A$AP Rocky), the well-meaning stranger in the room next door to Linda’s at the hotel where she goes after the family’s apartment floods. Factor in the self-medicating influence of marijuana and multiple bottles of wine a night, and audiences may question whether some of the more surrealistic moments are really happening, like the gaping hole in the ceiling of her bedroom, which creates a cosmic void into which Linda lets her worries to float away.
Intensely subjective without ever pulling the literal first-person POV trick seen in last year’s “Nickel Boys,” “If I Had Legs” hews closer to “Beau Is Afraid” or “Punch-Drunk Love” in the way it uses an agonizing score, brusque cuts and claustrophobic cinematography to approximate the pressure its main character is under. Some may find that hilarious, while others are sure to abandon ship as Bronstein puts us in the uncomfortable position of vicariously experiencing Linda’s slow-motion nervous breakdown. Undergirding it all are deep thoughts about the expectations society places on women, how men are often seen as the stable ones (but rarely assume the same responsibilities) and where the line between extreme stress and mental illness lies.
The movie makes clear that Hollywood has largely underestimated Byrne until now, casting Kristen Wiig’s “Bridesmaids” rival largely as comedic or generically beautiful wives, moms and lower-billed supporting parts. Compared to such flat characters, Linda feels almost four-dimensional — a role that virtually flop-sweats off the screen, all but shaking your seat with her anxiety, the way premium theaters do with their chair-throttling 4DX screenings. It’s almost too much to take at times, though Bronstein injects moments of absurdist humor here and there, like the scene where Linda caves in and allows her daughter to adopt a demonic hamster.
Studying Linda’s desperate expression in the rearview mirror of her car, it’s a wonder that any actor can make her face twitch like that. “If I Had Legs” calls for next-level commitment from its star — and no small amount of schadenfreude from the audience.
Best of Variety
Sign up for Variety's Newsletter. For the latest news, follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Solve the daily Crossword
