“The Golden Bachelorette” series premiere recap: Joan meets 24 (b)old men

A host of sexy seniors (including Kelsey's dad) did their best to impress Joan Vassos, the first-ever Golden Bachelorette.

Welcome back, rose lovers. I hope you've recovered from Jenn's dumpster fire Bachelorette finale two weeks ago and are ready to believe in TV love again. Understandable if you haven't, but try to shake it off, folks. It's time to rally for 61-year-old Joan Vassos, who began her "journey" tonight as the very first star of The Golden Bachelorette.

Let’s recap!

Remember how Gerry’s “journey” began with a heart-tugging “getting ready” sequence set to “The Wind” by Cat Stevens? The Golden Bachelorette kicks off on a similar, we-are-going-to-make-you-cry-if-it’s-the-last-thing-we-do note. This time, Kacey Musgraves is singing about a “Rainbow,” while Joan — clad in a beaded gold gown — stares out over a lovely California mountain vista. “I don’t know if you can have two great loves in one lifetime,” she muses. “But I’m hoping.”

Oh no — not a flashback to her love story with her late husband John! I can’t take it — the wedding photos! The delivery room photos! The family photos! “Best 33 years ever,” says Joan with a sigh. She goes on to share her memories of him being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. “I just couldn’t accept that he wasn’t going to be here anymore,” she admits. One night, she checked on him at 1 a.m. and he was alive. “I came back around 3, and he…” Her voice drops to a whisper. “He was dead. He had died, and I wasn’t there with him.”

Dammit! We are not even five minutes in and I’m already weepy. Damn you, Golden franchise!

Related: Golden Bachelorette Joan Vassos on her 'very awkward' night-one moment

“I had all these plans with John,” she says. “And then my future left with him. It died with him.”

Okay, everybody, let’s all take a minute to compose ourselves. Because in a second, the music on the soundtrack is going to change from “somber piano” to “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins, and the inevitable segue into the Ready to Love Again? montage will be complete. Three… two… one...

“No one is going to replace John,” says the Golden Bachelorette. “But I have a big heart, and there’s room for somebody else.”

That’s good, Joan, because there are 24 potential somebodies headed to the Bachelor mansion right now to meet you. And don’t worry, that handsome whippersnapper Jesse Palmer will be there to lend a sympathetic ear along the way.

Let! The! Journey! Begin!

First out of the limo we have Pascal, and ooh-la-la he is a dashing, 69-year-old Frenchman. “I’m speechless. Joan is very attrac-teeve,” he purrs. “And elegant. I like a woman who knows how to present themselves.” The feeling is mutual. “You are very charming,” the Golden Bachelorette tells him, adding that his accent is “very sexy.” Up next…

This officer and gentleman is Kim. The 69-year-old spent 27 years on active duty in the Navy and then retired to spend more time with his children. His second wife, Mary, passed away after eight-and-a-half years of marriage. “Life is short,” says Kim. “And Mary would be very disappointed if I wasn’t opening myself up to love somebody again.” Six years after her death, he’s ready. (To emphasize this fact, producers have Kim take his wedding ring off and leave it on a table in his hotel room. Not necessary, you demons!)

Chock, 60, shows up with a mason jar full of homemade “chock-a-noodle soup,” and God help us, he asks Joan to “sample it” right then and there. Sir, she is wearing couture! But the Golden Bachelorette isn’t about to be rude, so she gives it a taste.

“That is delicious!” she exclaims. “You are good!” Encouraged, Chock suggests that he could whip up a batch of his special soup for her family, should he make it that far. We love the confidence, sir!

Wait a minute, why are producers allowing this gentleman to walk BLINDFOLDED on the mansion’s flagstone driveway? Nobody wants to see a single senior break a hip tonight!

Fortunately, Jonathan, 61, makes it over to Joan without wiping out. “What you had to say about being invisible at our age really resonated with me,” he explains. “So, I wanted to make our first moment as special as I possibly can.” The Golden Bachelorette removes his mask, and she likes what she sees. Who wouldn’t? This guy — a divorced father of two — is gorgeous!

Related: Meet the 24 men who will date Joan Vassos on The Golden Bachelorette

Rose lovers, I feel like we might have our next Golden Bachelor candidate? Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. For all we know, Jonathan and Joan could end up together. Also, there are still 20 men to come. Jordan, 61, arrives next, and though he’s clearly nervous, he manages to praise Joan for her selflessness — specifically, when she left The Golden Bachelor because her daughter needed her. Jordan has three daughters himself, and like Joan, he believes “family is everything.”

Michael, 65, is so flummoxed by Joan’s beauty he almost forgets his own name, and Thomas, 62, also admits to her that he finds the whole process “nerve-wracking.” Our next gentleman is Gary, 65, who — as we know from his bio — is the godson of Tina freaking Turner. So of course, he enters dancing.

“You are beautiful!” says Gary as he boogies his way over to Joan. “You’re very shy, aren’t you?” the Golden Bachelorette jokes.

Gregg presents Joan with a sand dollar. “I work for sand dollars,” says the 64-year-old, who lives in Longboat Key, Fla. “That’s my euphemistic way of saying I’m retired.”

Pablo, the 63-year-old retired U.N. Agency director originally from Buenos Aires, delivers our second sexy accent of the night — while Bob, 66, shows up with a prop.

Yep, kids, in the olden days, parents had to lug around one of those to record home movies.

So far, most of the entrances have been pretty understated — but Jack is here to bring the showmanship.

When the 68-year-caterer finishes singing Sinatra, he offers Joan a thematic greeting. “You do things your way, I do things my way, but if we get together, we could maybe do it our way,” he says. Once Jack gets inside, he gives himself a decent review. “I actually think I did okay! I really think that she liked it,” he says. “And that dress she’s got on — freakin’ hot!”

Confession: I fell hard for Charles L., 66, the second he stepped out of the limo. “I’m 66 years old, but I look like 36,” he jokes.

This adorable father of two lost his wife six years ago after 36 years of marriage. “She was my first and only love,” he says. His daughters encouraged him to find a new love, and Charles L. believes he has a lot to offer: “I hope that Joan will know that that I am very honest, nice, humorous, and if I can brag to say, pretty handsome.” If that wasn’t enough to make me love this guy, he also ended his chat with Joan by making a Charles in Charge joke! Protect this senior stud at all costs.

Speaking of studs, this Guy wows Joan.

“You are very handsome,” she tells the 66-year-old ER physician. He sprays some cologne on his wrist and asks the Golden Bachelorette to take a whiff, hoping that she’ll remember him inside by his scent. Not a bad idea, tbh.

Our second Charles of the night, Charles K., steps out of the limo gingerly, leaning on a cane. Suddenly he drops it, and Joan steps forward to help him. No need, ma’am.

That’s right, rose lovers. This 62-year-old portfolio manager just pulled a Jack Palance, God bless him. Ken, 60, from Boston informs Joan that she looks “wicked awesome,” and Dan, 64, greets the Golden Bachelorette with a polite but sassy, “Dang, girl! Look at you!”

Christopher, 64, brings two shots of prune juice to help turn the “irregular” experience of finding love on TV to something more “regular,” and Joan gamely partakes with him. RJ, 66, comes with a more traditional gift — flowers — and Gil, 60, tosses a ball to Joan just so he can make the dad-est of all dad jokes: “I heard you were a great catch.” These men are freaking adorable.

Bill, 68, inquires after Joan’s daughter (she LOVES it), and David, 69 makes the flashiest entrance yet.

And it’s not cosplay, folks. The man is a rancher from Texas! (I just wish they had let him adjust his pant legs before striding up to meet Joan.) David was hoping to introduce Joan to his ride, but the poor beast tried to make a break for it as soon as he had a chance. (Can’t blame him.)

Keith, 62, drives up in an old-fashioned, wood-paneled station wagon piled with luggage. “I think I stand out just by being me,” Keith says in his intro package. “I’m 6’5”, 240, loud. I get excited about life.” He and his wife broke up 12 years ago (he implies that she struggled with addiction), and he’s been a single parent for his three daughters ever since. Now he’s ready to “move forward” and find love… just like Joan! And by the looks of it, she’s into it.

The final limo arrives, and out steps Kelsey, the “winner” of The Bachelor season 28. But don’t worry, she’s not trying to ditch Joey for a shot at Joan. Instead, she’s on a set-up mission. Get on over here, Mark!

You remember Mark, right rose lovers? We met him during Kelsey’s hometown date on The Bachelor, and the internet fell hard. “When it aired, Kelsey said, ‘Dad, they’re doing thirst traps!’” he recalls. “First, I was like, ‘What’s a thirst trap?’” Eventually he learned that all of Bachelor Nation wanted him to be cast on The Golden Bachelorette, and he decided he’d be “a fool not to take” the opportunity. The 57-year-old father of five lost his wife eight years ago, but he, too, is Ready to Find Love Again?.

As Kelsey watches from the limo, beaming, Mark tells Joan that he raised his kids to “experience life” and not to “say no because they’re afraid of taking a chance.” To that end, he’s hoping for a second chance at love on TV — and Joan is here for it.

“You just call me mom!” she jokes.

Not so fast, missy. It’s time to head inside and spend some more time with the 24 gentleman hoping to woo you. “This is a crazy journey, but people find love in lots of ways,” Joan tells the assembled men. “I don’t know if I’m being na?ve, but I think it could really work.” Almost before she’s finish speaking, Pascal the suave Frenchman walks up to Joan and asks to take her away for a chat. “The French don’t mess around,” one of the other guys says with a chuckle.

Indeed, they do not.

Pascal, you see, owns a successful beauty salon in Chicago — and he is living the life. “I’m driving the car I want to drive; I buy the clothes I want; I live in a beautiful home,” he tells us. “And I would like to be able to have a partner to share my life with.”

He and Joan sit down outside, where Pascal shares a little bit about his life — but he doesn’t talk too much about himself before asking Joan what she wants in a man. “I’m looking for a gentleman, which you certainly seem to be,” she says. Pascal wants Joan to know that he appreciates how devoted she is to her family, and then he reads her a letter his son wrote him the day he left to film the show. It is as sweet as you’d expect. An excerpt: “You are the greatest father. Thank you for the advice you have given me. You are my rock. I love you, and I hope that Joan will be a good fit for you — you difficult SOB.” (Pascal pronounces it as “sob,” which is also pretty endearing.)

Joan LOVES it. “I’ve been wooed tonight by a Frenchman,” she says with a smile. “Maybe there’s some amour in our future.”

Dan, the private investor from Florida, chats with Joan next. “My daughters got me into this,” he explains. He has two girls, one of whom he adopted because she “never had a father.” He starts talking about what a “blessing” she is, and — oh boy — he’s getting emotional, which means I’m getting emotional again.  Also, can we talk about this guy’s awesome hair?

Hold up — looks like Gregg asked production to bring some beach to the Bachelor mansion, so he and Joan could spend some time at her “happy place.”

The matching Hawaiian shirts are sending me. Gil teaches the Golden Bachelorette how to play T-ball, and then this happens:

Not a mobility scooter versus an armchair! Obsessed.

Jordan, who thinks his first meeting with Joan was “a disaster,” tries to redeem himself during the cocktail party. “First of all, I have to apologize for earlier,” he says. “My entrance was atrocious.” Joan graciously assures him that “everybody’s mind goes blank when you step out of that limo,” which seems to put him more at ease. And to his credit, presenting Joan with a cute sweatshirt for her granddaughter, Hartley, is a pretty smooth move.

After that, they play a little driveway pickleball, and Jordan comes away feeling very relieved. “At least she gets to know I’m normal,” he says. “Or a mostly normal person.” After a while, several of the other men come outside to find Joan, and pretty soon everybody’s playing pickleball.

“There were balls flying everywhere!” says Joan with a laugh. “It was total chaos.” Fortunately, no one hit Joan in the face with a plastic ball, but it was close. (Looking at you, Dan with the good hair!)

Rose lovers, we have to take a moment to acknowledge the episode’s unofficial narrator, Jack. All night, he’s been weighing in about the goings-on with his gravelly and jovial voice — and now he’s giving himself a tour of the Bachelor mansion. “Look at this place!” he marvels, strolling across the back patio. “We’ve got the freaking pool that’s unbelievable! I’ve been in some nice places, but probably never this nice.”

The camera follows him as he heads back inside. “Look at that!” he says, approaching the wall-mounted candle display. “I can tell you right now we’ve got, uh, we’ve got about 72 candles up there.” Over in the kitchen, Charles L. is busy checking out the Le Creuset pots and testing the stove-top burners. “It’s real nice,” he says, pleased. “Oh, boy! They have a humongous refrigerator!”

Related: The Gold and the Beautiful: Joan Vassos has her pick of men on The Golden Bachelorette

Honestly, it’s completely adorable. Is there anything more grandfatherly than inspecting a new location and raving about its amenities? No.

But enough about the real estate! We’re here for romance. To that end, Kim and Joan are having their own one-on-one chat in the candle room. After seeing her on Golden Bachelor, Kim says he thought to himself, “Gosh, I would really like to meet Joan someday.” And now that day is here. “If it weren’t for you,” he adds, “I wouldn’t be here.”

Camcorder Bob, meanwhile, tells Joan all about the time he was hit by lightning and killed — but the paramedics/doctors brought him back after 12 minutes of CPR. Holy crap! “I’ve got a second chance at life,” he says. “I’m here to see if lightning could strike twice.” Figurative lightning, please!

The conversations continue, and all the men seem to be having a great time getting to know Joan. Guy says she “made a significant impression” on him after their brief chat, and Mark compares spending time with her to “putting on a fresh, warm pair of sweats right out of the dryer.” Something tells me Joan would not love to be compared to old sweatpants — but I know he meant it as a compliment.

Things get a little more romantic with Jonathan, who recites a poem he wrote especially for Joan.

Related: Watch The Golden Bachelorette's Joan swoon over suitor's poem on night 1 (exclusive)

“I’m grateful and blessed to see you in that dress”? This man has cha-rizz-ma for days, rose lovers. “That was beautiful!” Joan gushes.

But will he get this?

“What ees that?” Pascal wonders. When Michael explains that it’s the First Impression Rose, Pascal is dismayed that no one told him about this Bachelor tradition. “If I knew that, I would have done a better job!” he jokes. “That’s not fair! I was just, like, very nonchalant.”

For his part, Jack is busy in the kitchen cooking up a storm — tenderloin medallions with a Bordelaise sauce, asparagus, and rice — in hopes of making an impression on Joan. Even if he doesn’t get the FiR, Jack does have the undying devotion of at least one of the other men. “Joan, do me a favor,” says Chock. “Let’s keep Jack in the game, because I’m a big, hungry guy.”

When Jack serves up his meal to Joan, they defy Bachelor franchise convention and actually eat it.

“So good!” says the Golden Bachelorette. “Delicious.”

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Charles L. follows it up with tea for two; Christopher delivers chocolate; and Michael bucks the food trend by showing Joan a binder of photos from his prized garden. Later, Joan and Keith play cornhole on the patio and bond over their love of the beach and living near the water. When they sit down for a more serious conversation, it’s going so well that it almost seems like Joan’s going to let him kiss her — but she’s not a kissing-on-the-first-date kind of gal.

As the night wears on, Chock is starting to get worried that he hasn’t had time to talk with Joan. We learn from his intro package that his mother has stage-4 cancer, but she still encouraged him to go on this “journey” to find love. “I’ve been more excited about this than I’ve been about anything I’ve done in years,” he confesses. “I’m so excited to get to know Joan better.”

And that’s exactly what he does. They talk about their kids, Joan’s grandkids, their dogs — Chock has a black lab named “Super Tubbs” — and then he reveals that his 24-year-old daughter is the one who signed him up for the show. “She said, ‘Dad, you’re not going to be happy about what I did,’” he recalls. “And she goes, ‘Well, I signed you up for the Golden Bachelor.’ So, that started the process.” We also learn that Chock has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and now his bucket list item is to find love. “I’m lonely,” he admits. “I’m looking for that person.”

Why am I getting misty again? But there is no time for tears right now —Joan’s about to hand out the First Impression Rose! And the lucky gentleman is…

Related: Joan Vassos was sent dick pics after The Golden Bachelor

And this time, he DOES get a smooch. (A chaste one, but I’ll admit I was wrong!) “Keith makes me feel safe,” says Joan. “And it's something I haven’t felt since John passed away.”

Just when I thought this show couldn’t wring another tear out of me, Jesse wheels a big TV into the living room. Everyone gathers around to watch as video messages from the guys’ children play on the screen. Pascal’s son Maxim, Charles L.’s daughter Cynthia, Dan’s daughter Danielle, Charles K’s son, Ryan — and on and on. They all share heartfelt well-wishes and encouragement.

“Man, we’re all going to be in tears here,” says Bill. YES, BILL. WE ARE.

“I love the way they are supporting each other,” says Joan of the men. “They’re patting each other on the back. They’re hugging each other. Some of them are crying.” Not just some of them, Joan! Damn you, stupid show!

Ugh, there’s only one thing left to do, rose lovers: Kill some senior dreams.

God help me, it’s time for the first-ever Golden Bachelorette rose ceremony roll call: Joan hands out roses to Dan, Jonathan, Mark, Guy, Charles K., Gil, Gary, Pascal, Chock, Kim, Christopher, and Gregg, but then she steps away for a minute to compose herself. The final boutonnieres go to Charles L., Jordan, Bob, Michael, and Jack, who join Keith in the Circle of Safety?. That means we must say goodbye to Bill, David, Ken, Pablo, RJ, and Thomas. Send them all to Golden Bachelor in Paradise, dammit! (Also, can someone please find David’s horse? He’s going to need it to get home.)

Welp, rose lovers, week one of Golden Bachelorette is in the books! Normally I don’t care about spoilers at all with this show, but I was pretty annoyed at how much the “this season on” preview gave away. I want to live in a reality where all of the men have an equal shot at getting Joan’s final rose, darn it! Maybe I’m overreacting? Let me know your thoughts about the premiere, the men, and anything else you want to talk about on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

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